How Do You Roll?

Stevie Winwood sang “Roll With It”, Adele gave us “Rolling In The Deep” and Busta Rhymes told us “How We Roll” – and you only thought I knew songs that were at least 20 years old!  But the question today is: “How do you roll?”  Or more importantly, how does your wife want you to roll?

No I’m not talking about how to cope when life is too much, and certainly not regrettable relationships or criminal activity.  When I ask, “How Do You Roll?” I’m referring to toilet paper.  Specifically, are you an “Over-roller” or an “Under-roller”?

While this is more a “style points” issue (really, if you are in an emergency situation you’ll settle for finding someone who can spare a square) and it is certainly less critical than what side of the bed you choose, but a mixed marriage between an “Over-roller” and an “Under-roller” can create challenges.  Fortunately, The Wife and I are both “Over-Rollers”.  However, I can see how an argument can occur where a wife (but not The Wife) is listing a long list of grievances against her husband only to crescendo to “and you roll the toilet paper the wrong way!!!!”.  You know you’ve reached a pathetic point of frustration in your relationship when you’ve “kitchen sinked” an argument with toilet-paper-rolling.  (Or maybe you’ve just reached a point of moronic blogging when you choose this as a topic to write about).

If people are “Overs” or “Unders” it is ingrained like part of your DNA.  It’s like being a Republican or a Democrat, an I-phone or a Blackberry user, a Vegetarian or a normal person – you are typically one or the other – and if you are “one” you are not comfortable with “the other”.  If you are a lifetime “Over” and you encounter a roll that is “under”, it feels a bit like trying to write left-handed (assuming you’re a righty).  You just shake your head and wonder at the roll “What kind of people would do something like this?  I bet they don’t even eat chicken!”.

Other than the occasional “Under-roller”, there are two problems in the world of toilet paper these days.  First, is TMI: Too Much Information.  I’m not sure what bears have to do with toilet paper, but I am sure that if I were to actually take a walk in the woods I would not find a roll of toilet paper hung (over or under) on a low-level branch.  We don’t need to see images like this one.

The second problem is the packaging of toilet paper.  A convenient 96-roll pack is not convenient at all.  You should not have to load it in your car with a fork lift or buy a shed for your back yard to store it in.  You’ll likely be thinking as you balance the box-car sized package on your shopping cart: “Maybe I have too much fiber in my diet?”  Can we not have a reasonably-sized pack of toilet paper that doesn’t make you feel like you might need to use the product as you strain to lift it out of the trunk?

As you consider this topic in your marriage (and my hope for you is that this is the only problem you have to deal with) keep these things in mind.  Come to agreement on style.  Guys, if you need to concede to being an “under roller” ‘til death do you part in exchange for brand of ketchup or priority use of the remote…do it! 

Be well stocked.  Buying by the gross can help make sure you don’t run out.  However, that doesn’t always allow for convenient storage and access on demand.  You need to replenish inventory before you pluck the last roll from the backyard shed.

Do unto others.   This is even more important than rolling in the proper direction.  Nobody wants to find themselves needing to “complete their paperwork” and be staring at a cardboard tube. If you peel the roll perilously close to the core, whether rolled “over” or “under”, make sure a fresh roll is handy.  Don’t leave your spouse hanging (or in this case, “sitting”).  This is one more little but important tip to Keep a Happy Wife.

The Emmy's Are Tomorrow. I'll Be Watching Football.

The Emmy’s are tomorrow (Sunday) night.  I thought since I did a special blog for the Oscars I should do one for the Emmy’s.  Don’t count on seeing a blog dedicated to the Grammy’s.  I gave up on the Grammy’s when Starlight Vocal Band beat out Boston for best new artist in 1977 (I hold a grudge).  Don’t count on a blog for the Tony’s either, because I’m not gay.

The first category is “Best Show That’s No Longer a Show”.  The nominees are:

• Chase
• Friday Night Lights
• The Good Guys
• Human Target

The winner: Friday Night Lights.  It was a great show.  Eric and Tami Taylor (Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton) were one of the most honest portrayals of a married couple ever on TV.  Football was simply the backdrop for one of the best dramas in recent memory.  Human Target and Chase were solid dramas that had runs of two or three seasons.  The Good Guys was a very funny take on the “buddy cop” show.  Starring Bradley Whitford and Colin Hanks, it is worth watching its lone season on Netflix.

The next category is Funniest Show.  The nominees are:

• 30 Rock
• Modern Family
• Psych
• Raising Hope

The winner: Modern Family.  It is the best written show on TV since Cheers.  30 Rock is “rock” solid competition for it, but Modern Family is consistently funny every single episode.  Psych (USA) is a lot of fun for the family (and those of us who love references to the 80s).  Raising Hope is extremely clever in its own right.

Let’s look at Best Drama.  The nominees are:

• Castle
• Hawaii Five-O
• Justified
• The Mentalist

The winner: Justified.  As an FX network show, it has a bit more of an edge to it than these others.  As you might imagine, stories about a US Marshall trying to enforce law and order in Kentucky mining country can be more than a little rough and tumble.  It is well written in that the story lines are fresh and not telegraphed at all.  The Mentalist and Castle are both fun, out-of-the-ordinary crime dramas.  Hawaii Five-O was a pleasant surprise last year as it reinvented the late 1960s.

Shows Other People Like But I Don’t Really Get.  The nominees are:

• Glee
• Mad Men
• Numbers

The winner is Mad Men.  Mad Men has few (if any) likable characters.  The constant smoking and drinking by the characters is a worn-out inside joke.   It has a loyal fan base, however, and critics seem to love it – just not me.  Glee is a show I refuse to watch.  Quit letting questionably-talented no-names butcher good songs.  I don’t see how Numbers is still on the air.  How is a drama about a “Rain Man” kind of math savant of any interest to America?  What’s the story line here: The cops are out at dinner and need somebody to calculate the tip on the check so they call the Numbers Guy?  Again, I don’t get it.

Shows That Have Lasted Way Too Long.  The nominees are:

• Chuck
• 2 Broke Girls
• Every Reality Show

The winner is: Every Reality Show.  Whether it’s American Idol or Survivor or Big Brother or Hoarders -  get rid of them.  They are cheap to make and very profitable for the networks, but they are just played.  There is actually an Emmy category now for Best Reality TV Host.  These shows substitute another human’s real pain and anxiety for writing creativity.  Chuck has been on for 5 years now.  That is two or three too many.  It started out as a very witty and fun show.  Now it is just bad.  2 Broke Girls actually doesn’t start until this fall.  However, it looks just horrible.  Put it out of its misery before it inflicts any misery on the viewing public.

As I’ve thought about the Emmy’s, I cannot remember what the Emmy trophy looks like.  The Oscars are the gold statue dude.  The Grammy’s are the old phonograph.  The Tony’s are a guy in high heels with a feather boa.  But what are the Emmy’s?  At any rate, nothing quite as self-serving as TV people having a TV show where they give awards to other TV people. 

For my preview of the new show for this Fall, click here and scroll to the post on 9/7/11.

The Triple Take on Sports this post is dedicated to The Short One in honor of his birthday.

"Thank You": It's Like a Life Saver, but Not a Junior Mint

Seacrest, out.  Way out.

Get out your pencil and paper and let’s start out this post with a little quiz.  Stop groaning and whining or you’ll stay after school to clap erasers.  (OK…if you remember what “clap erasers” was, then raise your hand.  Judging from the response, I’ll need to increase the font size of my next post.  Perhaps I can sell ad space to Ensure).  Here is the quiz.  It is only one multiple choice question, so it is pass or fail.

What is the most important two-word phrase in the English language?

A. Party on.

B. I’m pregnant.

C. Seacrest, out.

D. Thank you.

I suppose a case could be made for any of the four (no fair writing in “E. All of the above”).  However, the correct response for most important two-word phrase in the English language is “D. Thank you.”  We could also say the German language (“Danke schoen”) but if I used that phrase then I’d have to pay royalties to Wayne Newton and I’m pretty sure he has mob ties.  Or we could say the Japanese Language (“Domo Arigato”) but that reminds me of the Styx song, ”Mr. Roboto” and I hate that song. 

Saying “thank you” is a fundamental part of our interactions in society.  When we stop saying “thank you” we are no better than cavemen, the Mongul hordes (which we learned from Bill and Ted were led by Ghengis Khan) or New Yorkers.  “Thank you” is also an essential part of your marriage vocabulary.  We’ll look at the importance of “thank you” in your daily life and in your quest to Keep a Happy Wife.

Please, Hammer, don't hurt 'em.

There are three categories of Thank You.  The lowest level of Thank You is the “Off Hand Thanks”.  It’s reserved for the clerk who hands you change or when your wife hands you a hammer while you repair a shelf.  In my case, it’s more when The Wife hands me a paper towel after I’ve spilled my Diet Mountain Dew.  I only use a hammer to open stubborn pistachio shells (that’s right, she’s a lucky Wife).  At any rate the “Off Hand Thanks” is an instinctive politeness.  Which is not a bad thing; it just doesn’t inspire much meaning or require much thought.

The mid-level of Thank You's is what I call the “Life Saver Thank You”.  That is the "Thank You" that, like the Life Saver is always appropriate, well…almost always.  There are very few times when a Life Saver (butter rum is my favorite) is inappropriate (unlike a Junior Mint).  You can have a Life Saver in church, at a funeral, during a business meeting…almost anytime.  You wouldn’t want one while you are in a dentist’s chair or singing an aria, but you get my point.  It is the kind of "Thank You" you give when someone gives you a wedding gift or cooks you dinner or congratulates you on successfully completing a complex high dive routine (never had that one).  When you give someone a Level Two “thank you”, they’ll know exactly why.  The key difference between the “Off Hand” and the “Life Saver” is the level of engagement between the “thanker” and “thankee”.  There is a higher degree of thought and purpose involved.

There is an old and hilarious Monty Python skit (aren’t they all “old” now and aren’t most of them hilarious still?) where one of the characters says in the dialogue “I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition”.  Suddenly, three men in red robes (the Spanish Inquisitors) burst in the room and exclaim “Nooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” This brings us to the Third Level of Thankfulness: The “Left Field Thank You”.  It’s called that because, just as nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, nobody expects this type of Thank You, either (because it came “out of left field”).  It is the “Thank You” you give or receive when there is no obvious reason at the moment as to why.  Nobody gave you change or handed you a hammer or gave you a roll of butter rum Life Savers, but you just told them “thank you”.  You’ve considered the character and the actions of someone important to you (friend, co-worker or spouse) and out of the blue (or out of left field) you thought to thank them.  At a moment when someone you care about wasn’t consciously thinking about anyone caring for them, you can touch their heart.

Do you see the power of those two little words?  Words that, oftentimes, are left behind like a coin at the “take a penny / leave a penny” tray.  However, when you apply pre-meditation and purpose to those words and add a bit of surprise (the chief weapon of the Spanish Inquisition) you can impact a relationship.  Try it today and see.  It can change perspectives.  It can create breakthroughs.  It can get you some sweet lovin’, too (Way to ruin the moment, huh?).

Keep A Happy Wife Guy…Out!

NFL predictions are here.
Preview of Fall TV Season is here.

The Fantasy Football Wife - Part Two

Fantasy Football is Like Marriage (or vice versa)

Nobody likes the guy that walks into a room in the middle of a TV show and starts asking questions: “Why don’t that Ross and Rachel get together?” or “Why are they running through the jungle from that cloud of smoke?” or “Are you gonna finish those fries?”  So, if you missed part one of this series, we will respect the rest of the class and let you catch up on your own time by clicking here.

For some guys, to keep a happy wife during fantasy football season they have to negotiate a peace (or as I call it “pulling a Menachem Begin”).  Fantasy football may be a source of strife for the wife, but there is a better way than just suffering through it.  I have for you, dear reader, three ways that fantasy football is like a good marriage (or vice versa).  Just as George turned his life around (albeit briefly) when he resolved to do the complete opposite of what he would normally do, putting these ideas into practice will bring you success at home and in your fantasy league.

Before I dive into that though, I wanted to share a suggestion on brokering a peace (aka pulling a Menachem  Begin) with your wife during fantasy football season.  It came from a fantasy football radio host, Peter Burns (twitter: @PeterBurnsRadio).  His idea is a revenue sharing agreement of your fantasy football winnings with your significant other.  This may be worth a try for you; however, there are two potential pitfalls.  First, if you don’t win then you have no pot to split.  So, you’ve lost credibility as a fantasy winner and you’ll never be able to use this approach again.  Second, most relationships operate under the reality of “what’s hers is hers and what’s his is hers”.  So, why would she want to split with you what she already believes is 100% hers anyway.

Without further ado…allow me to bring you three ways successful marriages and successful fantasy teams are alike.

Make Time for What’s Important

If you set priorities and schedule your time wisely, you can make both your fantasy team and your wife happy.  You know the days of the week that are critical for fantasy football success.  Obviously, Sunday.  You’ll need Monday night, too.  Tuesdays are for waiver wire work and trades.  So, you can establish a permanent date night with your wife on Wednesday, Friday or Saturday.  (Thursdays are a wildcard since NFL games are played on Thursdays later in the season.  Keep things flexible on Thursday.) What you’ll find is you will develop a discipline to managing your fantasy football team(s) which will help you find waiver wire gems early in the week and eliminate panicked free agent moves on Sunday mornings.  You’ll also find that you are spending more time with your wife, too.  Success…all because you made a commitment to set aside time for the important things in life.

The Little Things Make a Big Difference

As we discussed in Part One, being good at fantasy football requires at least a little fanaticism (if you can actually be a “little fanatical”).  You’ve got to know the details of wide receiver targets, defensive matchups, team depth charts, and identify what “homer” in your league will trade you LeSean McCoy for Tashard Choice just because they are a Cowboys fan.  If you don’t focus on the little things (like you have four running backs with byes in week 8) then you’ll be stuck dealing with big problems (you just picked up Bryan Westbrook for week 8 and you aren’t sure if he is even still in the league). 

The same is true in marriage.  You need to take care of the little things:  Notice when she has a different hair cut or a new dress.  Leave her little love notes (click here).  Say “thank you”….a lot.  Hug her occasionally without trying to grope her.  If you don’t focus on these little things then you’ll be stuck dealing with big problems (like she’s spending too much time with the pool boy, Sven, and you have to learn how to divide your stuff in half).

There is No Off-Season

To be successful in fantasy football, it requires a year round effort.  Any dope knows you follow games and players during the season, but you also need to focus on the NFL draft, free agent signings, training camp, injuries, hold outs and pre-season games.  You can’t show up to the most important day of the year (your league’s fantasy draft) and not be up-to-speed with complete information.  If you are trying to fake your way through it, you’ll eventually be found out…Hello Milli Vinilli!

Your marriage also has no off-season.  You can’t just show her attention on her birthday, your anniversary or five minutes before you want to have sex and think that will give you a successful marriage.  That might work if you are Danny Zuko, but you aren’t him and you don’t have a car with overhead lifters and some four barrel quads. 

Fantasy football is fun.  To be good at it, you’ve got to work at it.  Marriage can (and should) be fun, too.  A successful marriage is also a lot of work, however.  Neither fantasy football nor marriage has to be hard work, if you take care of business all along the way. 

Everybody needs help with both their fantasy football team and their marriage along the way.  The Keep A Happy Wife Guy is here to help you with both!  Enjoy the season.