How Do You Roll?

Stevie Winwood sang “Roll With It”, Adele gave us “Rolling In The Deep” and Busta Rhymes told us “How We Roll” – and you only thought I knew songs that were at least 20 years old!  But the question today is: “How do you roll?”  Or more importantly, how does your wife want you to roll?

No I’m not talking about how to cope when life is too much, and certainly not regrettable relationships or criminal activity.  When I ask, “How Do You Roll?” I’m referring to toilet paper.  Specifically, are you an “Over-roller” or an “Under-roller”?

While this is more a “style points” issue (really, if you are in an emergency situation you’ll settle for finding someone who can spare a square) and it is certainly less critical than what side of the bed you choose, but a mixed marriage between an “Over-roller” and an “Under-roller” can create challenges.  Fortunately, The Wife and I are both “Over-Rollers”.  However, I can see how an argument can occur where a wife (but not The Wife) is listing a long list of grievances against her husband only to crescendo to “and you roll the toilet paper the wrong way!!!!”.  You know you’ve reached a pathetic point of frustration in your relationship when you’ve “kitchen sinked” an argument with toilet-paper-rolling.  (Or maybe you’ve just reached a point of moronic blogging when you choose this as a topic to write about).

If people are “Overs” or “Unders” it is ingrained like part of your DNA.  It’s like being a Republican or a Democrat, an I-phone or a Blackberry user, a Vegetarian or a normal person – you are typically one or the other – and if you are “one” you are not comfortable with “the other”.  If you are a lifetime “Over” and you encounter a roll that is “under”, it feels a bit like trying to write left-handed (assuming you’re a righty).  You just shake your head and wonder at the roll “What kind of people would do something like this?  I bet they don’t even eat chicken!”.

Other than the occasional “Under-roller”, there are two problems in the world of toilet paper these days.  First, is TMI: Too Much Information.  I’m not sure what bears have to do with toilet paper, but I am sure that if I were to actually take a walk in the woods I would not find a roll of toilet paper hung (over or under) on a low-level branch.  We don’t need to see images like this one.

The second problem is the packaging of toilet paper.  A convenient 96-roll pack is not convenient at all.  You should not have to load it in your car with a fork lift or buy a shed for your back yard to store it in.  You’ll likely be thinking as you balance the box-car sized package on your shopping cart: “Maybe I have too much fiber in my diet?”  Can we not have a reasonably-sized pack of toilet paper that doesn’t make you feel like you might need to use the product as you strain to lift it out of the trunk?

As you consider this topic in your marriage (and my hope for you is that this is the only problem you have to deal with) keep these things in mind.  Come to agreement on style.  Guys, if you need to concede to being an “under roller” ‘til death do you part in exchange for brand of ketchup or priority use of the remote…do it! 

Be well stocked.  Buying by the gross can help make sure you don’t run out.  However, that doesn’t always allow for convenient storage and access on demand.  You need to replenish inventory before you pluck the last roll from the backyard shed.

Do unto others.   This is even more important than rolling in the proper direction.  Nobody wants to find themselves needing to “complete their paperwork” and be staring at a cardboard tube. If you peel the roll perilously close to the core, whether rolled “over” or “under”, make sure a fresh roll is handy.  Don’t leave your spouse hanging (or in this case, “sitting”).  This is one more little but important tip to Keep a Happy Wife.