Royal Wedding Edition: An Open Letter to Prince William

Dear Prince,

I really loved your early work. Purple Rain was a great album. What was the deal with changing your name to a symbol?

Sorry, bet you get that a lot. Anyway, I'm guessing our wedding invitation got lost in the mail. I'm not sure what I'll do with a four-slice toaster engraved to you and the new Mrs. Royal Family. To be honest, I haven't really followed the British Monarchy since the American Revolution (no hard feelings, right?) so I'm not sure why your wedding is getting all this attention. Also, I have to admit that I didn't get up at 5:00 AM to watch your wedding, but I couldn't help but see a few parts of it as it was on almost every channel here in the States. However, I've seen a couple of other royal weddings in my day and yours seemed to go a lot smoother than those. Prince Akeem's wedding started out with that crazy "Queen to Be" song and then the whole thing got called off before the vows even started. Then there was Buttercup's marriage to Prince Humperdink. He rushed the ceremony to the "man and wife" part before she even said "I do". That whole wedding was inconceivable. So, congratulations to you and Kate for at least getting through the nuptials. But, seriously, look at these photos and you tell me which guy officiated your wedding and which one was in The Princess Bride. Is it some law that all British bishops or preachers or justices-of-the-peace look like this?  For the love of Harry Caray, trim an eyebrow once in a while.

As you know, Keep A Happy Wife is a world-wide phenomenon and has had nearly four dozen readers from the UK since the blog started in February. As an enterprising young man about to enter married life, I'm sure you are one of those 44 Brits who have read my stuff. However, if you've missed one or two posts, let me offer a little marital wisdom for you.

First, you looked a little nervous during the ceremony. Maybe you were uncomfortable being in front of a crowd or having your picture taken a lot today. However, if you are nervous about the wedding night and your dad didn't have "the talk" with you yet; don't be afraid to ask for advice. If you are looking for counsel from people in attendance at the wedding though, ask David Beckham and not Elton John.

Being a royal newlywed has to be a lot like being a newly married couple in a small town…everybody thinks they have a right to know your business. The only difference between the two being that your private problems get on magazine covers or tabloid TV shows and small town couples end up in the local paper's police blotter next to garage sale ads. (I do have to ask, what is it like to be checking out at the London Wal-Mart and see a picture of yourself and your girlfriend on all the magazine covers? It has to be kind of awkward when the lady in line behind you points out that it is you on all of those tabloids).

The best advice I could give you to deal with all the personal intrusions is to study the life of Sean Penn and do the opposite. Or you could just hire him as a body guard. With his reputation, nobody is gonna mess with you and he seems to have plenty of time on his hands…what's he really done anyway since Fast Times at Ridgemont High?

As I'm sure you read in my first blog post, the most important thing to have done at this point is to have chosen the right woman. From here, your wife is going to look for your unconditional devotion and support – there are no "Plan B's". No Camilla Parker-Bowles (maybe it's a British thing, but nobody over here understands that one at all). Even though you'll have spats about things like how her grilled cheese sandwiches aren't the same as your nanny made them, how you loaded the dishwasher the wrong way or why does your grandmother have to wear a hat THAT big ALL the time - don't let those little things give her any doubt that she is the one you will always love.

Best wishes and God's blessings to you and your bride. If you think of it, take the karaoke mic during the reception and sing "Kiss" – now that would be something worth putting on Entertainment Tonight.

Royally yours,

The Keep A Happy Wife Guy