Three Fundamentals to Dress Buying

A man can learn a lot from his pastor: Biblical truths, practical life lessons, etc. For several years while living in Tennessee our pastor was Pastor Eddie (not to be confused with Cousin Eddie). As a young married man I certainly learned a lot from Pastor Eddie. One thing that still stands out to this day would likely fall into the "practical life lesson" or "etc." categories. And that was how to buy a dress for your wife. The great wisdom he shared with me on this matter was the three fundamentals to buying the wife a dress: "short, tight and low-cut". Our wives got lots of dresses in those days and they looked great. This phrase became to us almost our rallying cry like "Wonder Twin powers activate!" or "All for one and one for all". However when we said "short, tight and low-cut" we didn't touch magic rings or cross swords, we would just high-five or grunt or say "amen".

Well last Saturday I took the Wife dress shopping for Easter. We wandered through Macy's for a while gathering up the first round of dresses for the Wife to try on. As I waited outside the dressing rooms I did a little people-watching (not to be confused with little-people watching "Hey was that Tattoo from Fantasy Island?"). Not surprisingly, only about of a third of the women in the store had husbands with them. What was surprising was most of the husbands didn't look suicidal being there – no comatose stares and no blinking "SOS" like a hostage, either. Another husband sat down next to me and I offered to him the keen observation "dress shopping for your wife, huh?". I expected a Bill Engvall "Here Your Sign" retort like "Nope. Shopping for me. She just tries 'em on 'cause we're the same size. Here's your sign". His response made it clear that he did not speak English and that he may be from Eastern Europe. I don't speak Eastern European, so I just gave him a thumbs-up and hoped that wasn't a vulgar gesture in Eastern Europe.

Just as I was fearing I had started an international incident the Wife came out to model the first dress, which brings us to a few rules to follow when dress shopping with the Wife. First, she will ask your opinion of the dress. Never say the dress looks bad. That is too easily misinterpreted that she looks bad. You like all the dresses – even if you don't. You just have to determine which one you like the best (or dislike the least). Second, if while making the initial pass through the store with the Wife you spot a dress that you like but don't think she'll go for, circle back to it while she's trying something else on and bring it back to her. She'll be in a rhythm at that point and will likely try on anything – well, almost anything (That a black leather dress can't be worn to Easter service is a matter of opinion, right?  What do you think Angelina Jolie wears to church?). Next, you need to have a clue on her size. If you pick something too small, you'll get a "you've got to be kidding" and if you go too big you're walking into a "so you think I'm that fat?". Finally, if you have no opinion whatsoever, you need to deduce what dress she likes best and decide to like that one, too. Saying things like "That's a nice color" or "Hmmm, it's tough to decide because you look pretty in that one, too" will prompt comments from her and you can then just follow along. You didn't have an opinion, but got credit for providing input.

At the end of the evening the Wife found a few dresses that she liked (and they were all nice colors that looked pretty on her). Using gift cards and coupons and secret handshakes, the Wife got three dresses and a jacket for about $17 (or something like that). While short, tight and low-cut may not make it on Easter Sunday, two out of three ain't bad! Pastor Eddie would be proud. (High five).