The One Thing You Must Do to Keep a Happy Wife…

In life, there are universal truths that must be learned and followed without fail.

• Don't eat yellow snow. It ain't lemon flavored.
• Don't run with scissors (Did Edward Scissorhands ever even get to skip? How sad.).
• Caution: filling is hot.
• Never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line (thanks for the info, Vizzini).

The one thing you must do to keep a happy wife is…choose well.

Sounds simple, but it's true. Think about it. You wouldn't plan to get the Taj Majal when building with twigs and Elmer's glue. You can't hope to win an Oscar and cast Keanu Reaves as the lead. And you wouldn't expect to get a fine Merlot by stepping on grape nuts cereal. So, if you want a happy wife (and, therefore, a happy life) you gotta start with the right woman.

So, as a young single man I set out on my quest to find the right woman - my perfect woman. I thought I was making progress until under "interrogation" by the "authorities" they referred to my "quest" as "stalking". Thanks for the restraining order, Cindy Crawford!

The thing I learned from the Crawford Incident (other than, how to measure a distance of 500 yards by sight and how to compose a love note out of letters cut from a magazine) is that she wasn't really the "right" woman (And how "perfect" can she be if she is so quick to reach for the mace?).
Seriously, to say I "chose well" is an understatement and it is not entirely accurate, either. In retrospect, my mother-in-law actually seemed to do the choosing. I'm still not sure how she arranged my marriage to Cindy. Is she a witch, you ask? I don't think so, but if she is, she's one of those good witches like Glinda in "Wicked".
And I really didn't "choose well" as much as I "lucked out". I met Cindy (not Crawford) when I was 20 years old. We started dating when I was 21 and were married at 22. What the heck did I know about what I wanted in life? Well, I knew I liked sports. I knew the "don't eat yellow snow" thing. I knew I liked boobs. That was about it…oh, and pizza. I liked that, too. That's not a lot of wisdom and insight to fall back on when conning…I mean, courting a woman to be my bride. Thank God and my mother-in-law that greater powers were at work to bring me the right woman to be my happy wife.
Every man should be so blessed to have a wife who loves him the way my wife loves me. (Editor's note: Guys, you cannot have her, but if you are single, she does have two sisters). It's somewhat of a fraud to say I do anything really exceptional to "keep a happy wife". For purposes of this blog, however, I will go ahead and take credit for it.