Royal Wedding Edition: An Open Letter to Prince William

Dear Prince,

I really loved your early work. Purple Rain was a great album. What was the deal with changing your name to a symbol?

Sorry, bet you get that a lot. Anyway, I'm guessing our wedding invitation got lost in the mail. I'm not sure what I'll do with a four-slice toaster engraved to you and the new Mrs. Royal Family. To be honest, I haven't really followed the British Monarchy since the American Revolution (no hard feelings, right?) so I'm not sure why your wedding is getting all this attention. Also, I have to admit that I didn't get up at 5:00 AM to watch your wedding, but I couldn't help but see a few parts of it as it was on almost every channel here in the States. However, I've seen a couple of other royal weddings in my day and yours seemed to go a lot smoother than those. Prince Akeem's wedding started out with that crazy "Queen to Be" song and then the whole thing got called off before the vows even started. Then there was Buttercup's marriage to Prince Humperdink. He rushed the ceremony to the "man and wife" part before she even said "I do". That whole wedding was inconceivable. So, congratulations to you and Kate for at least getting through the nuptials. But, seriously, look at these photos and you tell me which guy officiated your wedding and which one was in The Princess Bride. Is it some law that all British bishops or preachers or justices-of-the-peace look like this?  For the love of Harry Caray, trim an eyebrow once in a while.

As you know, Keep A Happy Wife is a world-wide phenomenon and has had nearly four dozen readers from the UK since the blog started in February. As an enterprising young man about to enter married life, I'm sure you are one of those 44 Brits who have read my stuff. However, if you've missed one or two posts, let me offer a little marital wisdom for you.

First, you looked a little nervous during the ceremony. Maybe you were uncomfortable being in front of a crowd or having your picture taken a lot today. However, if you are nervous about the wedding night and your dad didn't have "the talk" with you yet; don't be afraid to ask for advice. If you are looking for counsel from people in attendance at the wedding though, ask David Beckham and not Elton John.

Being a royal newlywed has to be a lot like being a newly married couple in a small town…everybody thinks they have a right to know your business. The only difference between the two being that your private problems get on magazine covers or tabloid TV shows and small town couples end up in the local paper's police blotter next to garage sale ads. (I do have to ask, what is it like to be checking out at the London Wal-Mart and see a picture of yourself and your girlfriend on all the magazine covers? It has to be kind of awkward when the lady in line behind you points out that it is you on all of those tabloids).

The best advice I could give you to deal with all the personal intrusions is to study the life of Sean Penn and do the opposite. Or you could just hire him as a body guard. With his reputation, nobody is gonna mess with you and he seems to have plenty of time on his hands…what's he really done anyway since Fast Times at Ridgemont High?

As I'm sure you read in my first blog post, the most important thing to have done at this point is to have chosen the right woman. From here, your wife is going to look for your unconditional devotion and support – there are no "Plan B's". No Camilla Parker-Bowles (maybe it's a British thing, but nobody over here understands that one at all). Even though you'll have spats about things like how her grilled cheese sandwiches aren't the same as your nanny made them, how you loaded the dishwasher the wrong way or why does your grandmother have to wear a hat THAT big ALL the time - don't let those little things give her any doubt that she is the one you will always love.

Best wishes and God's blessings to you and your bride. If you think of it, take the karaoke mic during the reception and sing "Kiss" – now that would be something worth putting on Entertainment Tonight.

Royally yours,

The Keep A Happy Wife Guy

Three Fundamentals to Dress Buying

A man can learn a lot from his pastor: Biblical truths, practical life lessons, etc. For several years while living in Tennessee our pastor was Pastor Eddie (not to be confused with Cousin Eddie). As a young married man I certainly learned a lot from Pastor Eddie. One thing that still stands out to this day would likely fall into the "practical life lesson" or "etc." categories. And that was how to buy a dress for your wife. The great wisdom he shared with me on this matter was the three fundamentals to buying the wife a dress: "short, tight and low-cut". Our wives got lots of dresses in those days and they looked great. This phrase became to us almost our rallying cry like "Wonder Twin powers activate!" or "All for one and one for all". However when we said "short, tight and low-cut" we didn't touch magic rings or cross swords, we would just high-five or grunt or say "amen".

Well last Saturday I took the Wife dress shopping for Easter. We wandered through Macy's for a while gathering up the first round of dresses for the Wife to try on. As I waited outside the dressing rooms I did a little people-watching (not to be confused with little-people watching "Hey was that Tattoo from Fantasy Island?"). Not surprisingly, only about of a third of the women in the store had husbands with them. What was surprising was most of the husbands didn't look suicidal being there – no comatose stares and no blinking "SOS" like a hostage, either. Another husband sat down next to me and I offered to him the keen observation "dress shopping for your wife, huh?". I expected a Bill Engvall "Here Your Sign" retort like "Nope. Shopping for me. She just tries 'em on 'cause we're the same size. Here's your sign". His response made it clear that he did not speak English and that he may be from Eastern Europe. I don't speak Eastern European, so I just gave him a thumbs-up and hoped that wasn't a vulgar gesture in Eastern Europe.

Just as I was fearing I had started an international incident the Wife came out to model the first dress, which brings us to a few rules to follow when dress shopping with the Wife. First, she will ask your opinion of the dress. Never say the dress looks bad. That is too easily misinterpreted that she looks bad. You like all the dresses – even if you don't. You just have to determine which one you like the best (or dislike the least). Second, if while making the initial pass through the store with the Wife you spot a dress that you like but don't think she'll go for, circle back to it while she's trying something else on and bring it back to her. She'll be in a rhythm at that point and will likely try on anything – well, almost anything (That a black leather dress can't be worn to Easter service is a matter of opinion, right?  What do you think Angelina Jolie wears to church?). Next, you need to have a clue on her size. If you pick something too small, you'll get a "you've got to be kidding" and if you go too big you're walking into a "so you think I'm that fat?". Finally, if you have no opinion whatsoever, you need to deduce what dress she likes best and decide to like that one, too. Saying things like "That's a nice color" or "Hmmm, it's tough to decide because you look pretty in that one, too" will prompt comments from her and you can then just follow along. You didn't have an opinion, but got credit for providing input.

At the end of the evening the Wife found a few dresses that she liked (and they were all nice colors that looked pretty on her). Using gift cards and coupons and secret handshakes, the Wife got three dresses and a jacket for about $17 (or something like that). While short, tight and low-cut may not make it on Easter Sunday, two out of three ain't bad! Pastor Eddie would be proud. (High five).



A Spring Break Adventure with The Wife

Spring Break 2011 is past us now. The Tall One had five baseball games scheduled during the week so we didn't travel at all. For those of you past the age of 21, Spring Break may not mean the same thing to you as it used to. But you've probably got some stories – some of which you'd rather not have anyone know about. I remember one Spring Break back in 1989….(this is where the harp music begins and the picture fades out to signify a flashback sequence, you know like on Wayne's World).

The Wife (actually she wasn't the "Wife" then, she was just the "Girlfriend") and I were leaders at our college in a group called Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship. For Spring Break 1989 the plan was to take a group from our chapter and join others at South Padre Island, Texas for a week and evangelize the spring-breakers. It was a bold idea anyway.

The Wife and I had both lived fairly sheltered lives growing up. I once gave her a hard time when she told me she went to a high school party where wine coolers were present - she didn't drink any, but they were there! (And we all know wine coolers are the devil). So, we were not prepared in the slightest for what we'd see that week.

It was 1989 and 2 Live Crew and Tone Loc were playing on every radio and cassette deck on the Island…except for ours. (That Amy Grant can rock though right?!). The first night there, we were told to walk up and down the beach to get familiar with the area. So we broke up into small teams and off we went with clear eyes and full hearts.

We spotted a festive gathering of people right away and closed in to see what was going on. Turns out this was something sort of like a beauty contest – Miss South Padre Island Spring Break 1989 or something. Turns out the emcee was not at all like Bert Parks, Mario Lopez or Bob Barker. Turns out this local disc-jockey-turned-emcee was actually dumping water on the contestants (okay, so maybe he was a little like Bob Barker). Turns out that these contestants didn't like wearing wet t-shirts at all (Vickie Vallencourt had to be on that stage). We quickly moved along with full eyes and jaws dropped.

As the week went on we looked for ways to minister to the fully-clothed amongst the Spring Breakers. We stumbled on the idea of cruising the strip (based on the last paragraph, let me rephrase that). We stumbled on the idea of cruising the main drag in our passenger van and helping lone drunks or abandoned dates find their way safely back to their hotel. The first guy we picked up nearly barfed all over the van, so it was christened "The Puke Mobile" (not quite the same as "The Mystery Machine", huh). Before we took on our next passenger, we stopped at a McDonald's and got a few dozen bags to use for "sickness containment".

We also learned that opening the van's sliding door and having two or three dudes ask one scared and inebriated female as she stumbled down the street if she wanted a ride was not really effective – especially since there had been abductions of college students in the area around that time. So after a few threats of mace to our guys in the van, we had the Wife and the other girls offer the rides.

While providing free transportation to drunks wasn't what we envisioned when the Wife and I went on the trip, it wasn't a total loss. Some of our passengers were just happy to have a safe ride back to their hotel (or, yes, in some cases to a bar down the street). Some were really scared, lost and needed the help. We had a chance to share the love of Christ with everyone we met in that van. We also had the chance to show them a bit of that love by giving them a condemnation-free ride in The Puke Mobile.

I doubt if any of our passengers would remember their ride with us back in Spring Break '89. I barely remember many of the details (other than Vickie Vallencourt and The Puke Mobile). But, I do remember The Wife and the group of people I was with were committed to finding some way to help people that week. There's a lesson there somewhere. I mean a lesson other than that our kids are never going on Spring Break.

Hearing God With Your Spouse

Good day, folks.  I've got a guest-post-bloggy-thing on a friend's blog today. Please follow the link to her site - God Speaks Today. Sandy is a great friend and, along with Cindy, was the biggest encouragement for me to start my own blog.  So be sure to look around her site while you are there, read some of her posts, check out her bio, rummage through her kitchen cabinets, etc.

The tabs on top of Keep A Happy Wife have been updated today, too.  I knew you were wondering.

Happy Masters Week, everyone.