Guide to Christmas Day Essentials

Where do I find...?

Does anyone remember...?
What about that thing with that guy...?

Here are a few links and lists for some Christmas Day essentials.  Please share on Facebook or re-tweet on twitter as your friends can use this too.

First and foremost...The Story of Jesus' Birth

Or told another way...Charlie Brown...What Christmas Is All About

Something to read while tucking in the kids...Twas the Night Before Christmas

Something to help convince the kids to get to bed...Santa Tracker

Blog Post Links...Something written by me:

• When I Grow Up...I Want To Be Santa Claus
• How I Very Nearly Ruined Christmas

Christmas Carol Lyrics

• Away In A Manger
• Deck the Halls
• God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
• Hark the Herald Angels Sing
• Joy To the World
• O Come All Ye Faithful
• Silent Night
• Twelve Days of Christmas

Christmas Song Performances....the one from Studio 60 and the one with Mariah Carey & Jimmy Fallon you may not have seen before, but they are outstanding.

• Andy Griffith Show..."Away In A Manger"
• Bing Crosby "White Christmas"
• Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip..."O Holy Night"
• Charlie Brown..."Christmastime Is Here"
• Mariah Carey, Jimmy Fallon & the Roots..."All I Want For Christmas Is You"
• Bing Croby & David Bowie..."Little Drummer Boy"

And of course...

The Best of Festivus (Seinfeld)

I could add to so much to this, and probably will for next year.  Merry Christmas to you and your family.  Have a blessed and prosperous New Year.

When I Grow Up...I Want To Be Santa Claus

Spoiler Alert: Contains age-sensitive information on Santa Claus.

“Some kids at school say Santa isn't real”.

“Those little *bleeps*!”

The Older Son (formerly known as “The Tall One”, then “The Taller One”) was about eight years old when

he said the first line.  I thought, but fortunately did not say, the second line. Of course when I say "bleeps" I mean "Grinches".

Some parents don’t give their kids a chance to believe in Santa.  Let me just say, with all due respect, you suck.  Please don’t tell me that you don’t want to lie to your kids.  Because Santa Claus would be the least of the lies you’ll tell your kids over the years and you know it.  You don’t give your kids (or yourself, for that matter) the chance to have the fun that Santa is at Christmastime.  Worse yet, your precious little know-it-all ruins it for the rest of us.  And that takes us back to where we started…”Some kids at school say Santa isn’t real”.

Kids grow up fast.  Too…dang…fast.  (I hate that “Cat’s in the Cradle” song, don’t you?) You can’t hang on to so many treasures (small and great) of their childhood for very long.  I was determined to keep the fun and wonder of Santa for at least one more year.  I needed to give him proof.  Showing him the fat guy in the red suit at the mall wouldn’t do it (we all know that those guys are just Santa’s little helper anyway…or is that The Simpsons’ dog?).  I needed him to see a fat guy in a red suit on Christmas morning.  I would be the proof.  I would be that fat guy!

I had about a month to plan this out.  The level of details of my plan made Ocean’s Eleven look like setting

up a yard sale by comparison.  We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at The In-Laws.  Every member of the family had a role in this elaborate scheme. I sketched out a drawing of each level of their home.   It was like Shooter drawing up the “picket fence” play in Hoosiers. Timing and strict adherence to the plan was critical for success.  I made a list and checked it twice, reviewing the staging with each of my co-collaborators.

So in the wee hours of that December 25^th, I rolled out of bed having barely slept.  I went to the basement where I had stored my red suit, hat and boots.  I went back up to the living room and sat by the tree and waited.  As The Boys woke up, The Middle Sister-in-Law was to keep them upstairs while everyone else took their places.  As I heard them start down the stairs, I dashed from the living room, passed The Boys on the stairs, through the foyer and into the den.  They saw Santa…or at least a fat guy in a red suit.

The Boys went into the living room and saw where Santa had been and then dashed into the den to try to find him.  By then, I had double backed down to the basement.  The Mother-in-Law and The Wife were in the den where they told The Boys they had just seen Santa…up the chimney he rose.

By that time, I had shed my Santa suit and gone to the front yard where I joined The Younger-Sister-in-Law, The Brother-in-Law and The Father-in-Law.  We called out to The Boys to come see as Santa and his sleigh had just taken flight from the roof!  They just missed seeing the reindeer and sleigh drive out of sight, but we did have a picture to show them later (a picture which I had taken the night before and photo-shopped in Santa and his sleigh).

Months later, as The Older Son and I were driving to a football game I told him the truth about Santa.  He replied, “I knew Santa couldn't be real, but, Dad, we saw him!” I then got to share the story of last year’s Christmas and St. Nick’s visit.  While I didn't get to see the look on The Boys’ faces when they saw Santa that morning, I did get to see his eyes light up and pay me the great compliment of “that’s pretty cool, dad”. 

As must happen, another cherished part of childhood fell to the wayside.  It wasn't the first one and won’t be the last.  It’s part of watching your kids grow up and growing up is a necessity of, well…growing up.  Santa went out in a way that, even after eleven years later, The Boys and our whole family will always remember.  I hope this will be a story The Boys can tell their kids about what their grandpa, a jolly old elf, did one time at Christmas.

So...How'd It Go?

Previously on Keep a Happy Wife…The Wife and I were celebrating our 24^th anniversary.  For each hour of that day, I was giving her a gift, card or memento that related to that year in our marriage.  You've likely been thinking all week “Well, how did it go?” or “Is Thanksgiving this week?” or “If a man can think up 24 gifts to give his wife on their anniversary, how can the smartest people on the planet not get a healthcare website to work?”. 

The day did start with a white rose, which was the flower in our wedding, but I wasn't dumb enough to wake her at 1 AM.  Here are some other highlights:

• Notes from friends from all times of our marriage including from our sons, The Parents and The In-Laws.
• A Noah’s Ark Christmas ornament (another story for another day).
• Pralines from our favorite candy store from our favorite vacation destination, Charleston.
• A Tennessee Tech mini-basketball (we had season tickets when we lived in Cookeville, TN).
• A video slide show of our road trip vacation from 2009.
• Tickets to the Fantasy of Trees, which was a Thanksgiving weekend tradition in Knoxville.
• The last item of the day was a dozen red roses.

 It was a fun day for both of us.  We got to remember together the different times of our marriage, why we love each other and how blessed we have been day by day.

Events Occur In Real (Good) Time

Twenty four years ago today, The Wife and I were pronounced “Keep-A-Happy-Wife-Guy” and “The Wife”. 

To celebrate that, my warped logic went like this:

• 24
• 24 years
• 24 hours in a day
• Let’s celebrate once an hour for each year we've been married.

So, about 1 AM, I woke her up and gave her a single white rose.  She stabbed me in the throat with the stem of the flower and smothered me to death with a pillow. 

The End.

Well, that didn't really happen.  I’ll post something later and let you know how the day went.  Some gifts, notes and mementos will be hidden.  Some will come by e-mail, Facebook or Twitter.  Some I'll actually give her in person.

If you don’t hear from me, and The Wife starts living large off the life insurance paycheck or maybe starts dating that Thor guy…tell the authorities (heck...tell Jack Bauer) that the murder weapons were a white rose and a feather down pillow.

TV Reviews and An Endangered Species

The Wife and I enjoy TV.  I realize that’s not the sophisticated thing to say, but I don’t shop at

Whole Foods either and I had a doughnut for breakfast.  So, I’m over trying to impress you with how evolved I am. 

Ours is not a hipster family.  Some may call it "old fashioned".  One day, maybe they’ll call it “old school” when a man and his The Wife are only married to each other and raise a family together.  Maybe being an endangered species will make it cool to be a traditional, American family.  More to that later.

The Wife and I are both very busy (as most people are) and we like to relax together watching television.  Occasionally, we may even talk about the show during the time it takes to fast forward through the commercials (on the 8^th day, God invented the DVR…am I right?).

I enjoy a good story told well.  Even better is a funny story told in a way that earns a laugh.  Here are a few quick reviews of many of the new shows for the Fall of 2013.  Some are good stories told well. Some, you’d be better off fast forwarding through the show to get to the commercials.

Terrible

Goldbergs – If there is an overused, family stereotype this show shamelessly abuses it.  How many dopey, un-affectionate dads do we need on TV? The 1980s deserves a good comedy set in that decade.  This is NOT it.

Hostages – An interesting premise (A surgeon’s family is kidnapped.  The kidnappers will kill them if the doctor doesn’t let the President die during surgery) that quickly falls apart.  The storytelling is lazy and the dialogue is stale. 

Agents of Shield – Since "The Avengers" movie, I have a problem with this franchise of superhero stories.  Once you bring Thor, Iron Man and Scarlett Johansson together (like in "The Avengers") it’s kinda ridiculous that any one of the Avengers is left to fight any super villainous threat to humanity by themselves. 

The Millers – I like Will Arnett (yes, I’m the one).  However, other than "Arrested Development", investing in a Will Arnett show has proven to be the same as bothering to name the goldfish you won at the county fair.  His shows ("Running Wilde" and "Up All Night") just don’t seem to make.  The Millers also leans heavily on tired clichés.  The mother and father of the adult children are constantly bickering.  The mother is over-bearing and the father is a buffoon.  The cast has talent, but the show lacks creativity.  "Up All Night" was a much better show.

Take It or Leave It

Mom – The Wife likes this show, but probably doesn’t want to admit it.  It is funny (with more than a touch

of “semi-crude” humor).  Allison Janney (who was great in "The West Wing") has proven to be a very good comedic actress.  The supporting cast could use some work (or at least use French Stewart more), but Janney is strong and the jokes are funny.

Sleepy Hollow – I don’t know.  There are aspects of this premise I find interesting, but it’s so complicated.  I won’t bother to explain it all because the show itself has a two-minute lead in to each episode to remind viewers what is going on.  Ichabad Crane showing up to battle the Headless Horseman in modern day Sleepy Hollow had some potential.  There are lots of plot problems (Why is Crane still wearing 1770s era clothing when he’s been in the 21^st century for weeks?) but I like the two lead characters. The show just asks for a lot of investment for what will likely disappoint in the end. I don't know.

Good – These are the top 5 new shows from 2013, plus one with special recognition.

1. Blacklist – This is a well-written “spy” drama starring James Spader. Spader is great as the super-smug super-villain who mysteriously starts assisting a new FBI agent in the capture high-profile criminals.  It is a formula-show, but it is a formula that can hold up over time and adds in enough twists of background stories to help keep things interesting from week to week.  It's like "Alias" meets "White Collar".
2. Crazy Ones – Watching Robin Williams do comedy is like watching Peyton Manning play
   
   quarterback.  You have to pay careful attention and maybe even watch it twice to pick up on everything that is going on.  The show is funny and, while Williams carries the show, the supporting cast is good enough. 
3. Brooklyn Nine Nine – I've never been a big Andy Samberg fan.  So, for me to not only like this show but admit that it is “LOL” funny means that it is pretty darn good.  Andre Braugher (who I've liked since "Homicide: Life on the Street"…man, that was a good show) delivers a great dead-pan to Samberg’s silliness.  The rest of the cast has a lot of comedic talent, too.
4. Trophy Wife – I like Bradley Whitford.  I liked him in "The West Wing" (with Allison Janney).  I liked him in "Studio 60".  And, while "Trophy Wife" isn’t nearly as funny as "The Good Guys" (How did that show not catch on?  Watch it on Netflix.) "Trophy Wife" is still a pretty good show with a pretty Malin Akerman as the “trophy wife”.  The rest of the cast (especially the kids) is talented, too.  The name is a problem for the show and it could stand for some other minor changes, too.  I hope it sticks around because Whitford and Akerman are both worth watching (each for their own reasons).
5. Back In the Game – I honestly thought this show would be terrible, so it didn't have a high bar to leap over for me.  The plot of a mom coaching her nerdy son’s baseball team with the help of her curmudgeon father sounded putrid.  However, Maggie Lawson (“Psych”) is adorable and James Caan brings some depth to a character that could simply be a grumpy old man. 

MUST WATCH!

The Michael J. Fox Show – When you look at all of the new shows in 2013, by my count there are two shows that focus on a traditional, nuclear family. One was "The Goldbergs" and the other is "The Michael J. Fox Show".  "The Goldbergs" is terrible.  So, I can’t recommend that.  The Fox show, however, is very good and worth watching.

I think it is interesting that so few shows have a dad and a mom living together while raising their children. Is it so rare that a family looks like mine, or the Romanos or the Huxtables?  I'm not making a judgment against anyone's family situation.  The American family has changed over the years and Hollywood has changed with it.  I'm just asking if it's taken that change too far.

Mom is a show about three generations of single moms.  Trophy Wife is about a man and his relationships with his 3^rd wife and his two exes.  Both are funny shows that I enjoy.  Both portray family situations that, I suppose, are more and more common in America. However, how many shows (new or not) are on TV now that portray “traditional” families?  The Middle?  The Simpsons? The Fox Show does this, so it is an important addition to the TV lineup for that reason alone.  

Ultimately, it’s important that the jokes on The Fox Show are good, which they are.  Also, the battle that Fox (and his character on the show) has with Parkinson’s is dealt with in a very creative way (it’s part of the show, but doesn’t overwhelm the story line).  The Michael J. Fox Show is worthy of watching because it tells funny stories in a way that earns a laugh.  While I doubt the producers intended this, it is also worthy of watching as it celebrates that endangered species known as the traditional, American family.

Loni Anderson Is Not My Hero

“You’re my hero”…that’s what she wrote. 

I’ve told you before how The Wife and I use our bathroom wall to post graffiti.  Bible verses, quotes, propositions, love notes, etc. are the typical subject matter.  But, “you’re my hero”? I had two immediate thoughts: First, I don’t leap tall buildings in a single bound.  I don’t even leap at all anymore.  Second, she’s once again confused me with Thor (I get that from a lot of people.  Easy mistake).

So, how do we choose our heroes?  When we are young, we typically choose quite poorly and equate fame to heroism. If you google disgraced athletes (and “googling” may be what got some of them in trouble in the first place) you get an insanely long trail of fallen heroes.  Let’s see: Clemens, Sosa, McGwire, Tiger, Rodriguez, Hernandez, Armstrong and OJ, just to name some of the most successful men to play their respective sports only to have their reputation decimated by their own hand.  Perfect shouldn’t have to be the standard for any hero, but you have to draw the line somewhere, like maybe cheating at a criminal level, rampant infidelity, fraud, perjury and homicide.

Personally, growing up I had two posters on my wall: Pete Rose and Loni Anderson.  Pete Rose was a hero because I loved how he played the game.  If the team needed him to play second, left, right, third or first he did it and he did it well.  He approached every play like his bowl-cut hair was on fire.  Oh yeah, he could hit a little bit, too.  How did that “hero” turn out though?  “Not too good” would be a safe bet.

Loni Anderson wasn’t what I’d call a “hero”, but she had to be brave to work with that Herb Tarlek guy (and pretty brave to wear that white bikini…am I right?). Of course once I found out she was married to Burt Reynolds…well she might as well have bet on baseball.  What a disappointment.  Burt and Loni: the less talented Brad and Angelina of the early 1980s.

With a lot more age and, hopefully, a little more wisdom I think I have a little better perspective on who my real heroes are.  I can start with The Dad.  When I was a kid, my dad worked crazy hours, often worked two jobs and when he went back to night class to earn his college degree he was probably a dozen years older than the others in his graduating class.  (If I had half the work ethic that he does, I would have finished this blog post hours ago).  Now that I'm an adult, I see how much he cares for my mom and that there isn't a man in the world more reliable and dependable than my dad (no, my father is not a Volvo). 

The Father-in-law is another “hero”.  First, he let me marry The Wife.  That was act of bravery like he was in a Die Hard movie.  I’ve also seen over the years how he’s modeled trusting God in difficult situations (hopefully, my being married to his daughter isn’t one of those “difficult situations”).  He is also a great example of helping people feel loved and appreciated.  He is generous and kind-hearted and often goes out of his way to serve others.

I know neither The Dad nor The Father-in-Law would refer to themselves as a hero.  I would say most people don’t consider themselves to be heroes.  (If they do, they probably ARE NOT heroes, but they definitely ARE insufferable a$$-hats).  I certainly don’t feel like a hero because I know how flawed I am and I hear every un-heroic (or is it “non-heroic”) thought that passes through my brain.  Hopefully, I’m somewhere between “insufferable a$$-hat” and “hero” and by the grace of God trending towards the latter and not the former (Did I use that expression right?.  If I didn't, I meant to say I'm not becoming more of an a$$-hat. Either way, I'm gonna get in trouble with The Wife for using the phrase "a$$-hat" so much.  Even though I used a $ instead of an S, so it really isn't a bad word).

It does make me feel a little more like a hero, however, to have a wife who calls me one.  A Wife who, as Melvin Udall said in "As Good As It Gets", "makes me want to be a better man". Maybe The Wife is the true hero in this marriage and not me (and definitely not Loni Anderson).

Two random pop culture references I wanted to work into this post but couldn't make them fit: The song "My Hero" by The Foo Fighters is awesome and supports my point on the topic.  The TV show "Heroes" was outstanding in its first season.  The rest of them stunk.

You Light Up My Life (or I Like Golf…Don’t Judge Me!)

Last weekend The Wife and I (and the In-Laws) attended a conference held by our friends at Impact Ministries in Huntsville.  Last weekend also happened to be the British Open (or as golf snobs and British people call it “The Open Championship”).  Church and golf.  Golf and church. 

Church OR golf.  Golf OR church.

We have a dilemma.  More specifically, I have a dilemma.

Thanks to smart phones, we were able to keep up with scores in between conference sessions

(ok…”during” conference sessions, too).  One of us would pull up the current scores on our phone and discreetly (ok…not so discreetly) show the screen to the others.  As players moved up and down the leader board we would react with everything from the “raise-your-eyebrows-surprise look” to slightly muffled “wows”.  When Phil Mickelson pulled within a stroke of the lead on the back nine, you might have thought we got the Holy Ghost.

It was at that point, that I left.  It was with The Wife’s blessing (see how awesome she is) but I left church to go find a bar at 10:30 in the morning to watch golf.  Don’t judge me.  It’s a major championship.

So, I sat alone at a bar with every TV in the place set to the British Open.  Phil had one of the best final rounds in major championship history and won the Open by 3 strokes.  I had plenty of time to make it back to the church before the service was even over.

The lobby of the church was off to the side of the auditorium and I stood there listening in as the service wrapped up.  As I looked through the crowd, my eye was immediately captured by The Wife.   

If you’ve ever seen The Blues Brothers, you’ll remember the scene where Jake and Elwood are at church.  James Brown is the preacher and asks the congregation “Do you see the light?”.  Jake does see the light and he glows in a light descending from Heaven.

That’s what it’s like when I see The Wife.  (I can’t think of anything else

that she might have in common with Jake Blues other than that, though.  She doesn’t have her letters of her name tattooed on her fingers.  She doesn’t eat four fried chickens and a Coke for lunch.  She’s never even sung at Bob’s Country Bunker).  Wherever she may be and whatever the setting or circumstance, the sight of her grasps my attention and my heart even more now than it did when we first met.  Congratulations to Phil, but I’m a major winner, too.

How I Proposed To Your Mother

Hello, Darlin.  Nice to see you.  Its been a long time.

Yes, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted a blog here.  I have not been dead, divorced, abducted by aliens, out of the closet or in a coma.  As George (and Frank) Costanza famously said: “I’m back, baby.  I’m back”.

You may have seen the show “How I Met Your Mother”.  It is the seemingly endless tale that a dad shares with his kids about how he, in fact, met their mom.  When you watch individual episodes of the show, it is pretty strong comedy.  The story arcs are a labor to endure, however.  How long does it really take to tell how you met your wife? (Apparently nine years).  At any rate, this is the story of how I proposed to The Wife.  I promise it won’t take nine years, but it will take longer than it probably should.

Twenty-four years ago this month I proposed to The Wife. A couple of weeks ago, we happened to revisit the site of that proposal.  It was in the gazebo in the Opryland Hotel conservatory.  As we sat there together, I had to think about that moment nearly a quarter century ago and how I got that one right.  And I had to think what if that moment never happened?  What if at some point in my life or hers something bumped just enough in the time line that kept that proposal from happening?

What if…I’d been born in Alabama?  On the plus side, I’d have lots of National Championship t-shirts (that I made in my garage and tried to sell out of the trunk of my Pontiac Fiero).  On the negative side, I’d have a wife named Lurlene who screamed “Roll Tide” at inappropriate times of intimacy.  I’d also have a three-legged dog named “Bear”.  (Let the death threats from Tuscaloosa begin in 3….2…1).

What if…I’d gone to umpire school?  In college, I thought if I didn’t meet someone before I graduated I might go to Florida and enroll in an umpire school.  I could be ringing up Alex Rodriguez in a Triple A game this week!

What if…(and these next two are real…and spectacular) her dad had not changed jobs during The Wife’s senior year of high school?  Prior to that, she was planning on going to college in Tulsa.  When her family moved, she decided to stay at home and go to school at Tennessee Tech.

What if…one of us didn’t know Amy Taylor?  You see, Amy introduced us in an Economics class at Tech.  Without Amy’s introduction, I doubt my amazing grades in Econ 201 would have been enough to make The Wife think: “This nerdy guy who keeps staring at my boobs gets awesome test scores in this boring class.  I would really like to meet him”.

Fortunately for me all the things in history properly clicked and lead us to that moment in the gazebo.  So, with history on my side, let me tell you, children, how I proposed to your mother. 

I was working in Chattanooga and The Wife and her family were in Cookeville (if you don’t know where those places are, consult a globe).  I had just started a job out of college and the training class I was in was getting out early on Friday.  I jumped in the T-bird and headed to Cookeville.  Not to see The Wife, but to see the man who would become The Father-in-Law.  I went to his office and asked his receptionist if I could see him.  I waited in the lobby for what seemed like hours.  It could have been ten minutes or it could have actually been hours.  I was too nervous to think to look at my watch or even remember how to tell time, for that matter.  If you want to break a terrorist, make them wait to ask a father if he can marry his daughter.  Water-boarding will become obsolete.

I don’t remember a lot about when I finally got in to see him.  Before I got to say anything, I think he

tried to sell me some life insurance.  That wasn’t too odd since he ran a successful insurance agency.  The fact that he wanted me to list him as the beneficiary and asked me if I liked to hunt?…that seemed odd.  What I do remember about that conversation was some awkward staring at inanimate objects and watery eyes for both of us (dang allergies).  Most importantly, he gave his blessing.

On a side note, I have the best in-laws possible.  My family and The Wife’s family not only get along with each other, they love each other.  I know a lot of people aren’t this blessed, but I am so thankful for this.  The Mother-in-Law always greets me as her “favorite son-in-law”.  Which when she started that 24 years ago was funny, because she thought with two other daughters that by now she would be referring to me as her “third-favorite son-in-law”.  The Wife’s sisters and brother are not married yet.  So, if you are looking to marry into a great family, leave a personal history and photo in the comments section of this blog.  I’ll try to hook you up.

The Wife

On Saturday, The Wife and I went to Nashville and after dinner walked through the Conservatory.  When we reached the gazebo we sat on the bench.   After a few deep breaths and some mostly-successful efforts to not pee myself, I got down on one knee in front of The Wife.  Later I would learn that she had no clue what was going on and was thinking “what are you doing?  Get up.  People are walking by!”.  Before she could say anything, I asked her to marry me.  She said “yes”.  At least I think she said “yes”.  She might have said “I’m not going to pay a lot for this muffler”.  What I heard was “yes”.  And that’s made all the difference.

One day, I’ll share “How I Courted Your Mother”.  This could also be titled “How To Wear A Woman Down Into Finally Conceding To Date You”.  But that is for another day.

It's Oscar Night...Time for The Wifey Awards

Welcome to the Third Annual Wifey Awards.  These awards are given to movies I saw with The Wife this year.   You can find the first and second versions of The Wifey's by following the links.  New this year are movie clips from each category, plus a list of websites and links every movie buff should use.  So as you stroll down the red carpet tonight, tell Ryan Seacrest who you are wearing (I’m wearing Russell Athletic, Ryan).  It's time to enjoy the awards…without the incoherent acceptance speeches.

Category: Give It a Rest

• Marvel/Avenger Series: Since the first Iron Man, we’ve seen more movies in this Avenger series than Robert Downey, Jr. has visits to rehab.
• Twilight: Can we get Abe Lincoln to rid us of this vampire menace?
• Liam Neeson: With all the movies this guy has made lately, how are we all not already dead by his hand?  He was even on ESPN...as you'll see in the first minute of this clip it didn't go well.
• John Goodman: The only thing he hasn’t been in is The Big Bang Theory. However, the rest of the Rosanne cast has made up for this missing piece to his filmography.
• And The Wifey goes to…Twilight.  The last year we were not subjected to a Twilight movie was 2007.  That’s before Obama was President.  See what all this “hope and change” has brought us?

Category: Best Movie You Probably Didn’t See

• Bernie: A quirky movie with Jack Black in his best acting performance ever…really his only acting performance ever.
• Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: A quirky movie with Steve Carrel about what happens in his life when an asteroid is headed towards earth.  It’s like the story is torn from last week’s headlines. (Clip).
• Moonrise Kingdom: A quirky movie.  A very, very quirky movie.  So quirky, I’m not really sure what it’s about.
• And The Wifey goes to…Seeking a Friend.  While The Office launched Carrel’s career (that’s fun to say: “Carrel’s career”) it causes him to be underrated as an actor.  While this isn’t his best role, it is still a movie worth seeing.

Category: Best Portrayal of a Dysfunctional Personality

• Denzel Washington as Whip Whitaker (Flight) - addicted to addictions.  He hit the trifecta: drugs, booze and women.  Denzel showed again in this role why he’s one of the best actors of this generation.
•  Bradley Cooper as Pat Solitano (Silver Linings Playbook) - bipolar.  Bipolar is more than just dysfunction for sure.  Cooper did a tremendous job portraying the battles with mental illness of Solitano.  It's hard to believe he started out as the nerdy friend in Alias.
• Mark Ruffalo as The Hulk (Marvel’s The Avengers) - gamma ray disorder.  He turns green, has a nasty temper and has more wardrobe malfunctions than Janet Jackson.
• And The Wifey Goes to…The Hulk.  You want to tell him he didn’t win?

Category: Best Movie Scene

• Flight - The hotel refrigerator scene.  If you didn’t see the movie this won’t make sense, but if you did you won’t forget it.  Expertly acted and directed scene.
• Argo – Airport escape. Extremely tense climax scene as “The Six” tries to get on a flight home.  You think getting through airport security is tough here, try getting past the Iranians.
• Silver Linings Playbook – Dance contest. The dancing was not very good, but it was just good enough.  Plus Jennifer Lawrence looked amazing.  Now I see why my 14-year old son is always saying “Jennifer Lawrence is hot”.  (Click here for clip of the scene).
• And The Wifey Goest to…Silver Linings Playbook.  I really couldn’t decide so I used “eenie-meenie-minie-mo”. 

Category: Best Bad Guy

• Bane – Dark Knight Rises: A much better foe to Batman than The Riddler or Mr. Freeze. (clip)
• Osama bin Laden – Zero Dark Thirty: He finally meets his end at the hands of the Navy Seals.
• Woody Allen – To Rome With Love: He’s not a bad guy, but he deserves a “villain” label for making this stinker of a movie.
• And The Wifey Goes to…Bane.  I’m not giving an award for anything to bin Laden and the total flop of To Rome at the box office was punishment enough for Woody.

Category: Best Movie

• Dark Knight Rises: Probably the best super hero movie of all time.  The story, direction and acting in DKR were all nearly perfect.
• Argo: The story was fascinating and it was told well by Ben Affleck.  A great ensemble cast and a soundtrack full of great music from the late 70s sure didn’t hurt. (Clip)
• Flight: One of the things that confirms how well done this movie was is how difficult parts of it were to watch.  The struggle of addiction as portrayed in Flight was quite powerful.
• And The Wifey Goes to…Argo.  It is a unique, but true, story that, while very intense, was still entertaining from beginning to end.  Affleck’s come a long way since Gigli or Daredevil. 

The Wife and I will continue to be on the lookout for the best movies of 2013.  I’m looking for something co-starring Liam Neeson and John Goodman.  Hopefully it won’t involve a vampire or be directed by Woody Allen.

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Some helpful movie websites and apps:

• IMDB - Info on every movie and TV show as well as filmography of actors, directors, etc.
• Fandango – Need to know what is playing where and when…use this site.
• Common Sense Media – Family reviews of movies that gives details on violent, sexual and language content.
• Run Pee – an app that tells you the best time to take a bathroom break during the movie

Adventures in Lingerie Shopping

What most guys know about lingerie shopping you can fit into an A-cup.  For the unlearned dudes out there, an “A-cup” is the smaller size…think “Kate Hudson”.  Buying lingerie for The Wife can be like your kid buying you a tie for Father’s Day.  It may get worn once out of a sense of obligation and then it’s buried in a drawer or given to the church clothing drive never to be seen again.  However, the appropriateness of donating a lace teddy to your church will vary depending upon your denomination.

You hope that the lingerie gift is well received because that stuff is not always easy for a guy to buy in the first place.  Let’s say you order by mail.  If the package is delivered to your house, then The Wife may get the box before you do.  At best, the surprise is ruined or, at worst, she hides the box in a place you’ll never find it (like the laundry room) and your package is forever deemed to have been “lost in the mail”.  You may have equal or worse results if the package is sent to your office.  Imagine this page over the intercom: “Will Mr. Hot To Trot pick up his Frederick’s of Hollywood package at the front desk on his way to see Human Resources?”.

Shopping in the stores creates its own level of anxiety.  I believe sales clerks at Victoria’s Secret get paid bonuses if they embarrass male shoppers to the point of tears. This doesn’t make sense to me since men should be easy targets to “up-sell” (not a euphemism for anything).  When I visit the auto mechanic, they can pop the hood and start pointing at belts and clips and straps and tell me what I need to buy and I don’t know any better than to just buy it.  The same is true in the lingerie shoppe (note the fancy spelling of the word “shop”).  The sales girl can just start pointing at belts and clips and straps and tell me what I need to buy and I don’t know any better but to buy it. 

Before a guy decides to enter Victoria’s Secret he’s already made a few reconnaissance “fly bys” (while singing “Danger Zone” in his head) to be sure he doesn’t recognize anybody in the store.  He has also developed a plan of attack to acquire the target and retreat to home base.  Unfortunately, he gives up on that plan as quickly as the French army…well, gives up.  He walks in to the store and when faced with live bullets (or bustiers in this case) he forgets his training and panics.  Of course there are no sales clerks to help our shell-shocked warrior as he stumbles aimlessly through the store.  An hour later mall security escorts him from the premises after he’s been elbow deep in a stack of panties trying to figure out the difference between a “high-cut brief” and a “bikini”.  War is hell.   Trying to buy “something special” for “someone special” shouldn’t be. 

Finally now, a true “Adventures in Lingerie Shopping” story:

One day a few years ago I decided to buy the wife a nightgown. Nothing  risqué.  Strictly classy.  Honest.  I was wandering through the lingerie section of a department store when I heard a voice say: “Can I help you?”. 

Here’s where I have to help you use your imagination and ask you to believe I’m not being a racist in the way I tell this story (It’s just funnier this way).  The offer for help came from a four-foot-something Asian sales clerk.  To say English was her second language would probably be generous.  So, what she said was “Can I help you?”.  What I heard was: “Khan I hep yew?”.

I told her what I was looking for and she asked in a voice much bigger than her stature:”It for your whife or for gurrrrrl-fren?”  and then she erupted with an almost maniacal laugh (think Ozzy at the beginning of “Crazy Train”).  I was frightened. People from the lingerie department to the Orange Julius must have heard her.  I told her it was for The Wife and then I walked to a different section of the department to look on my own, hoping that Jackie Chan’s creepy little mom would forget about me.

A few minutes later she appears holding a hanger as high as she can over her tiny little head.  On this hangar is some style of lingerie that I could not identify.  It had clasps and straps and snaps and I think it even had a bottle opener.   She presents it for approval by bellowing: “What you tink of dis wahn?  It vaaaary saxxxy!  It vaaaary daaaaaangerous!”. 

To say this wasn’t going well would be like saying the “Boom Goes the Dynamite” guy had an off night.  So, I gave up on that idea, but would not go home empty handed.  I found the cookie shop in the mall and brought home a snickerdoodle for The Wife (also not a euphemism for anything).  I’m pretty sure she would like the cookie more anyway.

Happy Valentine’s Day.  Shop at your own risk.  When in doubt, buy a cookie.

Do You Trust Me?

Disney’s Alladin was released in 1992.  Let that sink in for a minute.  1992.  Nineteen-freakin-ninety-two.  Now go take your Geritol, clap off your lights and go to bed. 

Despite feeling like a geezer when I think about Alladin, it is one of my favorite Disney movies.  One of the most critical scenes is where Alladin asks Jasmin “do you trust me?” (this actually happens twice in the movie).  God asks us that same question every day “Do you trust me?”.

I was thinking about this as our boys (one a freshman in college, the other a freshman in high school) were headed back to school after Christmas break.  And I was thinking about it in context with this verse:

9 If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? 10 If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? 11 As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?  Matthew 7:9-11 (The Message Bible)

This is important to consider from the perspective that The Wife and I have as well as from the perspective of our children. 

As parents, we want to protect, comfort and provide for our children.  Unless you’re auditioning for some sick reality TV show, you probably want the same for your kids.  For their entire lives we have tried to shield them, encourage them, instruct them and provide for them the best we know how.  These things are less and less in our control (or what we perceive to be control) now and will only continue to trend that direction over time.  As a parent, that is an uncomfortable feeling to which God says: “Do you trust me?”.Do you trust that God loves them more than you love them?

For our boys, when it comes to their mother and me, I hope they are certain that above all else they are loved.  That we give them bread and not sawdust.  That we give them fish and not a snake.  That we give them roller blades and not razor blades (Scratch that last one.  It’s a bad Christmas story.).  They are now taking more and more ownership of their relationship with God and developing their own answer to His question: “Do you trust me?”.  Do you trust that God loves you even more than your parents love you?  Do you trust Him to give you wisdom?  Do you trust Him to be your provider?  Do you trust Him to be your comfort and your protector?

While it is a challenge to loosen our grip on that perceived control, it is fulfilling to see relationships change.  Part of that is seeing how our relationships with the boys change as they grow and mature.  But part of it is how each of our relationships with God changes as part of this process.  A process where we all seek to discover the grace to trust Him more.