Entertainers have not created enough award shows as a method to publicly honor themselves, their work and their plastic surgery. All they have is the Oscars, Tony’s, Emmy’s, SAG, Grammy’s, People’s Choice, MTV Movie, MTV Video, Independent Spirit, Critics’ Choice, CMT, CMA and ACM (As Kanye knows, there just aren’t enough celebrity awards to go around). A group such as these beloved celebrities that can make us laugh, cry and sing all while naming their children after verbs or inanimate objects deserve as many opportunities for accolades as the viewing public can mind-numbingly consume.
So, last year I was determined to do my part in righting this wrong and I created The Wifey Awards. This is the Keep A Happy Wife version of the Academy Awards. The Wife and I enjoy going to the movies (especially on Tuesday which is $5 movie night) but, like most people, we don’t see a lot of the movies that get nominated for Oscars. So, don’t count on seeing lots of nominations here for The Artist or War Horse.
Category: Movie I’m Glad I Didn’t See
- Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Which of you asked for another Planet of the Apes movie? Moses must be rolling over in his grave with yet another knock off in this movie franchise.
- Justin Bieber Never Say Never: Well, I can say “never”, as in “I’ve never heard a Justin Bieber song”. That takes discipline, people.
- Dolphin Tale: Do I have to explain why I didn’t want to see this? If the dolphin used his bionic tale as a vigilante-style crime fighter, then that would be a movie worth seeing.
- Jack & Jill: Adam Sandler isn’t consistently funny anymore playing a man. Why would he be funny in a movie where he plays a man and a woman? Answer: He wouldn’t.
- And the Wifey goes to: Justin Bieber. This has less to do with how repulsive I find Justin Bieber, but more with keeping my own streak alive. A player on a streak has to respect the streak , right Crash Davis?
Category: Bad A** of the Year
- Tom Cruise from the 3rd or 4th or 5th (I lost count) Mission Impossible movie. He beats people up in dramatic fashion while saving the world.
- The Iron Man Guy in the 2nd Sherlock Holmes movie. He beats people up in slow motion/stop action to save London.
- Liam Neeson in Unknown. He beats people up trying to remember who he really is.
- And the Wifey Goes to: Liam Neeson. Qui Gon Jinn deserves a lifetime achievement award in this category. He looks like he should be teaching high school chemistry, but he can open up a can on any bad guy on a moment’s notice.
Category: Best Looking Actress:
- Jennifer Aniston: This is the second nomination in a row for Aniston. She more than held her own alongside a much younger Brooklyn Decker in Just Go With It.
- Rachel McAdams: Her parts in Sherlock Holmes and Midnight in Paris were too small, but she was good while she was on screen. Now that I read “her parts” and “were too small” that sounds bad. I mean her on-screen time seemed brief. Get your minds out of the gutter, people.
- Olivia Wilde: She was in about ten movies last year, but I only saw one (Cowboys & Aliens). I liked it.
- And the Wifey goes to: For the second year in a row, the award goes to The Wife. Not only is she pretty, but she shares popcorn with me. Jennifer Aniston has never done that.
Category: Best Looking Actor: This is based on commentary from the Wife about the actors in movies we see. They all just look like dudes to me. Except Owen Wilson. He looks like an aardvark with that twisted beak of his.
- Matthew McConaughey: I think The Wife liked him more in other movies than she did in Lincoln Lawyer.
- Ryan Gosling: We saw him in Ides of March and Crazy Stupid Love. We liked both of the movies. The Wife says “he’s pretty”. She says it a lot.
- Thor: I can’t remember what his real name is. I don’t know that The Wife does either, but she says “he’s really pretty”.
- And the Wifey goes to: After much angst, The Wife has selected Thor for the Best Looking Actor award. She adds: “I call them ‘eye candy’”.
Category: Best Alien Movie
- Transformers: Were there real actors in this movie? I think the whole thing was computer graphics. I may have to disqualify this nomination.
- Cowboys & Aliens: A cheesy movie title, but it was surprisingly good. 007 losing his British accent to play a cowboy is some great acting.
- Super 8: An interesting take on the alien movie by J.J. Abrams (“Lost”). It reminded me of the classic Stand By Me and about a dozen space alien movies.
- And the Wifey goes to: Super 8. Coach Eric Taylor fighting space aliens is tough to beat.
Category: Best Movie:
- Ides of March: George Clooney and Gosling led a strong cast that shocked the world by telling us that politics is a corrupt business.
- Moneyball: This movie starring Brad Pitt and a still plump Jonah Hill was a favorite of baseball geeks everywhere.
- The Adjustment Bureau: Matt Damon and Emily Blunt fight the forces of fate and destiny to hold on to true love.
- Crazy Stupid Love: I was surprised by how much I liked this movie. Steve Carell, Gosling, Julianne Moore and the entire cast were very good in this comedy that shows how relationships can go full circle before you even know it.
- And the Wifey goes to: Well, Ides of March was too dark, so it’s out. Moneyball ignored the pitching staff of that A’s team, so I have to toss it on the basis of the integrity of baseball history. I’ll write about Crazy Stupid Love in another blog post soon (so we’ll call that award enough for that movie). So, the Best Movie Wifey goes to The Adjustment Bureau. Congratulations. Wait….how did I give an award to a movie with an actor that was in We Bought a Zoo. I’d go back and change it, but thinking about it makes my head hurt, so we’ll just pretend the Zoo movie never happened.
Please note that none of these movies are in 3-D or have a Justin Bieber song in its soundtrack! I am proud of both of these facts. We haven’t seen anything so far in 2012 that will qualify for Best Movie nominee next year, but I’ll keep you posted on any good movies The Wife and I see on date night throughout the year.
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