It's Oscar Night...Time for The Wifey Awards

Welcome to the Third Annual Wifey Awards.  These awards are given to movies I saw with The Wife this year.   You can find the first and second versions of The Wifey's by following the links.  New this year are movie clips from each category, plus a list of websites and links every movie buff should use.  So as you stroll down the red carpet tonight, tell Ryan Seacrest who you are wearing (I’m wearing Russell Athletic, Ryan).  It's time to enjoy the awards…without the incoherent acceptance speeches.

Category: Give It a Rest

• Marvel/Avenger Series: Since the first Iron Man, we’ve seen more movies in this Avenger series than Robert Downey, Jr. has visits to rehab.
• Twilight: Can we get Abe Lincoln to rid us of this vampire menace?
• Liam Neeson: With all the movies this guy has made lately, how are we all not already dead by his hand?  He was even on ESPN...as you'll see in the first minute of this clip it didn't go well.
• John Goodman: The only thing he hasn’t been in is The Big Bang Theory. However, the rest of the Rosanne cast has made up for this missing piece to his filmography.
• And The Wifey goes to…Twilight.  The last year we were not subjected to a Twilight movie was 2007.  That’s before Obama was President.  See what all this “hope and change” has brought us?

Category: Best Movie You Probably Didn’t See

• Bernie: A quirky movie with Jack Black in his best acting performance ever…really his only acting performance ever.
• Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: A quirky movie with Steve Carrel about what happens in his life when an asteroid is headed towards earth.  It’s like the story is torn from last week’s headlines. (Clip).
• Moonrise Kingdom: A quirky movie.  A very, very quirky movie.  So quirky, I’m not really sure what it’s about.
• And The Wifey goes to…Seeking a Friend.  While The Office launched Carrel’s career (that’s fun to say: “Carrel’s career”) it causes him to be underrated as an actor.  While this isn’t his best role, it is still a movie worth seeing.

Category: Best Portrayal of a Dysfunctional Personality

• Denzel Washington as Whip Whitaker (Flight) - addicted to addictions.  He hit the trifecta: drugs, booze and women.  Denzel showed again in this role why he’s one of the best actors of this generation.
•  Bradley Cooper as Pat Solitano (Silver Linings Playbook) - bipolar.  Bipolar is more than just dysfunction for sure.  Cooper did a tremendous job portraying the battles with mental illness of Solitano.  It's hard to believe he started out as the nerdy friend in Alias.
• Mark Ruffalo as The Hulk (Marvel’s The Avengers) - gamma ray disorder.  He turns green, has a nasty temper and has more wardrobe malfunctions than Janet Jackson.
• And The Wifey Goes to…The Hulk.  You want to tell him he didn’t win?

Category: Best Movie Scene

• Flight - The hotel refrigerator scene.  If you didn’t see the movie this won’t make sense, but if you did you won’t forget it.  Expertly acted and directed scene.
• Argo – Airport escape. Extremely tense climax scene as “The Six” tries to get on a flight home.  You think getting through airport security is tough here, try getting past the Iranians.
• Silver Linings Playbook – Dance contest. The dancing was not very good, but it was just good enough.  Plus Jennifer Lawrence looked amazing.  Now I see why my 14-year old son is always saying “Jennifer Lawrence is hot”.  (Click here for clip of the scene).
• And The Wifey Goest to…Silver Linings Playbook.  I really couldn’t decide so I used “eenie-meenie-minie-mo”. 

Category: Best Bad Guy

• Bane – Dark Knight Rises: A much better foe to Batman than The Riddler or Mr. Freeze. (clip)
• Osama bin Laden – Zero Dark Thirty: He finally meets his end at the hands of the Navy Seals.
• Woody Allen – To Rome With Love: He’s not a bad guy, but he deserves a “villain” label for making this stinker of a movie.
• And The Wifey Goes to…Bane.  I’m not giving an award for anything to bin Laden and the total flop of To Rome at the box office was punishment enough for Woody.

Category: Best Movie

• Dark Knight Rises: Probably the best super hero movie of all time.  The story, direction and acting in DKR were all nearly perfect.
• Argo: The story was fascinating and it was told well by Ben Affleck.  A great ensemble cast and a soundtrack full of great music from the late 70s sure didn’t hurt. (Clip)
• Flight: One of the things that confirms how well done this movie was is how difficult parts of it were to watch.  The struggle of addiction as portrayed in Flight was quite powerful.
• And The Wifey Goes to…Argo.  It is a unique, but true, story that, while very intense, was still entertaining from beginning to end.  Affleck’s come a long way since Gigli or Daredevil. 

The Wife and I will continue to be on the lookout for the best movies of 2013.  I’m looking for something co-starring Liam Neeson and John Goodman.  Hopefully it won’t involve a vampire or be directed by Woody Allen.

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Some helpful movie websites and apps:

• IMDB - Info on every movie and TV show as well as filmography of actors, directors, etc.
• Fandango – Need to know what is playing where and when…use this site.
• Common Sense Media – Family reviews of movies that gives details on violent, sexual and language content.
• Run Pee – an app that tells you the best time to take a bathroom break during the movie

Adventures in Lingerie Shopping

What most guys know about lingerie shopping you can fit into an A-cup.  For the unlearned dudes out there, an “A-cup” is the smaller size…think “Kate Hudson”.  Buying lingerie for The Wife can be like your kid buying you a tie for Father’s Day.  It may get worn once out of a sense of obligation and then it’s buried in a drawer or given to the church clothing drive never to be seen again.  However, the appropriateness of donating a lace teddy to your church will vary depending upon your denomination.

You hope that the lingerie gift is well received because that stuff is not always easy for a guy to buy in the first place.  Let’s say you order by mail.  If the package is delivered to your house, then The Wife may get the box before you do.  At best, the surprise is ruined or, at worst, she hides the box in a place you’ll never find it (like the laundry room) and your package is forever deemed to have been “lost in the mail”.  You may have equal or worse results if the package is sent to your office.  Imagine this page over the intercom: “Will Mr. Hot To Trot pick up his Frederick’s of Hollywood package at the front desk on his way to see Human Resources?”.

Shopping in the stores creates its own level of anxiety.  I believe sales clerks at Victoria’s Secret get paid bonuses if they embarrass male shoppers to the point of tears. This doesn’t make sense to me since men should be easy targets to “up-sell” (not a euphemism for anything).  When I visit the auto mechanic, they can pop the hood and start pointing at belts and clips and straps and tell me what I need to buy and I don’t know any better than to just buy it.  The same is true in the lingerie shoppe (note the fancy spelling of the word “shop”).  The sales girl can just start pointing at belts and clips and straps and tell me what I need to buy and I don’t know any better but to buy it. 

Before a guy decides to enter Victoria’s Secret he’s already made a few reconnaissance “fly bys” (while singing “Danger Zone” in his head) to be sure he doesn’t recognize anybody in the store.  He has also developed a plan of attack to acquire the target and retreat to home base.  Unfortunately, he gives up on that plan as quickly as the French army…well, gives up.  He walks in to the store and when faced with live bullets (or bustiers in this case) he forgets his training and panics.  Of course there are no sales clerks to help our shell-shocked warrior as he stumbles aimlessly through the store.  An hour later mall security escorts him from the premises after he’s been elbow deep in a stack of panties trying to figure out the difference between a “high-cut brief” and a “bikini”.  War is hell.   Trying to buy “something special” for “someone special” shouldn’t be. 

Finally now, a true “Adventures in Lingerie Shopping” story:

One day a few years ago I decided to buy the wife a nightgown. Nothing  risqué.  Strictly classy.  Honest.  I was wandering through the lingerie section of a department store when I heard a voice say: “Can I help you?”. 

Here’s where I have to help you use your imagination and ask you to believe I’m not being a racist in the way I tell this story (It’s just funnier this way).  The offer for help came from a four-foot-something Asian sales clerk.  To say English was her second language would probably be generous.  So, what she said was “Can I help you?”.  What I heard was: “Khan I hep yew?”.

I told her what I was looking for and she asked in a voice much bigger than her stature:”It for your whife or for gurrrrrl-fren?”  and then she erupted with an almost maniacal laugh (think Ozzy at the beginning of “Crazy Train”).  I was frightened. People from the lingerie department to the Orange Julius must have heard her.  I told her it was for The Wife and then I walked to a different section of the department to look on my own, hoping that Jackie Chan’s creepy little mom would forget about me.

A few minutes later she appears holding a hanger as high as she can over her tiny little head.  On this hangar is some style of lingerie that I could not identify.  It had clasps and straps and snaps and I think it even had a bottle opener.   She presents it for approval by bellowing: “What you tink of dis wahn?  It vaaaary saxxxy!  It vaaaary daaaaaangerous!”. 

To say this wasn’t going well would be like saying the “Boom Goes the Dynamite” guy had an off night.  So, I gave up on that idea, but would not go home empty handed.  I found the cookie shop in the mall and brought home a snickerdoodle for The Wife (also not a euphemism for anything).  I’m pretty sure she would like the cookie more anyway.

Happy Valentine’s Day.  Shop at your own risk.  When in doubt, buy a cookie.