That’s a Big Matzo Ball

Everybody wants to hear someone tell them "I love you". It's like "have you lost weight ?" and "I'm Ed McMahon, here's your giant check". People want to hear that. Ed McMahon is dead, but if he's bringing a giant check with him you can probably deal with the specter of Ed McMahon hanging around (it could get old, however, if his ghost is shouting "Here's Johnny" every night after the late evening news).

A man always hopes that when he says "I love you" that he is getting some positive response back from the woman. That may range from the very positive "I love you, too" (WINNING!) to the moderately acceptable "you better". No response at all? That is bad. Take the case of George…

In a Seinfeld episode (the same one with the face painter…"DEVILS!") George decides he's going to tell his girlfriend that he loves her. "That's a big matzo ball", Jerry cautions. Undeterred, George tells her anyway. Her reply? "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat", ignoring his declaration of love. Well, it got worse for George later in that episode, but there are times when it can be worse for you, too. To avoid the "worse than being ignored" situations, here are three times when you just shouldn't bother telling your wife "I love you".

First, you should never tell your wife you love her from the toilet. The only conversation that should be going on from in there is "honey, is there any toilet paper out there?" And you should really plan better before you go in there anyway.

Secondly, never say "I love you" when you are throwing up. You want to avoid the "I Love You Interruption". It goes something like this…"Honey, I love Buuuuuicckkks…you". Nobody loves Buicks that much. Even if you get through the "I love you", it will at best be met by a pitiful "I know you do" and she may strain a cornea rolling her eyes.  "I love you" just doesn't fit when you are selling buicks to the tidy bowl man.

Finally, don't bother telling your wife how much you love her after you've just told her how much fun you are having without her…while she is home…NOT having fun…at all. At that point, the "I love you" is useless in your defense. I'll use one of my friends as an example. More years ago than I care to remember, Marco (name slightly changed to protect the ignorant) and I were at a business conference in Phoenix. We had an open afternoon, so we drove up to the Red Rock Country of Sedona. After a magnificent round of golf, we found a fantastic place to eat. The restaurant had a patio where we could watch the sun go down behind the red rocks and see the billions and billions (thanks, Carl Sagan) of stars appear in the night sky. It was a wonderfully romantic night, except I'm not gay and I'm pretty sure Marco isn't either and, thankfully, neither of us told the other "I love you". Marco decided to call his wife and share the day's experience with her. So Marco finds a pay phone (That will tell you how long ago this was. When did you last use a pay phone?) and calls home. After going on for several minutes about how beautiful the red rocks are, how fun the golf was and the wonder of the desert night sky, he says "Honey, I wish you were here. I love you".

Ka-boom. The last time an explosion was felt in the desert southwest like the one following that "I love you" it was the 1940s and the government was testing atomic bombs.

Now his wife is one of the kindest, sweetest women on the planet. However, little did Marco know that she had been dealing with a sudden outbreak of chicken pox in their two young sons. She had no interest in hearing about his adventures while she was elbow deep in an Aveeno bath. So, it was perfectly reasonable that she let him know very clearly that she did not care what he was doing and he could stick his ill-timed "I love you" up his Grand Canyon.

Learn from George. Learn from Marco. Learn from Ed McMahon. Learn from the Buick salesman. Timing, as they say, is everything guys.