and the Wifey Goes to…

The Academy Awards are tonight. While the closest thing I have to a red carpet fashion show is getting the family dressed and out of the house on time to go to church, that doesn't mean that I can't have my own version of the Oscars – The Wifey.

Nominations are made by the Academy (aka "me") of movies I saw with the wife during 2010. The categories are created at my whim and winners are picked by a blue-ribbon panel consisting of me. No CPA firm was responsible for tabulating the votes. (Although isn't that a great moment at any awards show? Poindexter, Milhouse and Velma come out in ill-fitting tuxedos and evening gowns to represent their firm only to be greeted by a smattering of applause by the seat fillers in the audience. The only worse moment comes when some Urkel-looking dude reads the rules for the awards).

The wife and I have gone to quite a few movies in the last year ($5 movie night on Tuesdays has turned into a great weekly date night for us). So, without further ado, the 2011 Wifeys.

Category: Best Movie I Think I Understood But Not Sure I Can Explain to Anybody

• Inception…Was it a dream or not a dream? How did that little Juno girl get so smart? Why didn't they go back for Morpheus?
• Salt…Is Angelina Jolie a spy? Or is she just on a quest to find another kid to adopt?
• Valentine's Day…How can a movie with so many big name stars stink that much?
• And The Wifey goes to…Inception. The wife slept through a lot of it, so she didn't like it that much, but I thought it was great..I think.

Category: Best Comedy
There are no nominees here because comedies were terrible this year. Maybe Date Night was decent, but that was about it. With the exception of a few funny scenes in a couple of other movies, comedies in 2010 stunk "like a used diaper filled with Indian food" (Anchorman...now that was a funny movie).
Category: Best Looking Actress in Any Role

• Scarlett Johansson, Iron Man 2 – What was that Black Widow suit made out of anyway?
• Jennifer Aniston, Bounty Hunter – An otherwise unwatchable movie made slightly watchable by Aniston.
• Diane Lane, Secretariat – They tried to make her plain looking in this movie and could not do it.
• And the Wifey goes to…The wife.  The prettiest girl in the theater is always sitting next to me.  (How pathetic was that bit  of sucking up?)

Category: Worst Movie I Didn't See

• Little Fockers – Proof that legendary actors (DeNiro, Hoffman, Streisand) will do anything for a paycheck.
• Devil – We aren't getting pulled into movies anymore just because that announcer guy says "from the mind that brought you Sixth Sense".
• Anything by Nic Cage – Dude, I know you've got tax problems but you need to slow down. A disaster at a water treatment plant doesn't spew out as much crap as you do these days.
• And The Wifey goes to…Devil. Did the cast of Signs just decide that they would all either suck or go insane within ten years?

Category: Best Movie

• Inception – I think it was a modern classic. Unless I missed the point, in which case I can go back to not liking Leo DiCaprio.
• The Social Network – A movie about a jerk who got rich because people wanted to see how fat and ugly people from their high school had become. When does the Twitter dude get his movie?
• Secretariat – If you know how a movie ends and it still holds you and fascinates you (like Apollo 13) then that is a great movie.
• True Grit – Not too many great westerns these days, but this is the best one since 3:10 to Yuma. It's not only a great western, but a terrific movie, too.
• And the Wifey goes to…Inception. It was a creative story that was extremely well told and will be remembered long after Black Swan, The King's Speech and Hot Tub Time Machine have been forgotten (no, I didn't see any of those).

I'll let you know if we see anything good on our Tuesday date nights. By the way, right now the movie of the year is Unknown (Liam Neeson is a bad a$$).

I Yelled at a Lady.

This could also be titled "Brad Paisley Concert Review". The two events will forever be inseparable in my mind.

Thanksgiving morning, I got on-line and found that the Paisley concert in Louisville had just been announced. From the Brad Paisley web site, you could order advance tickets before they went on sale to the general public. Join the fan club and you would be guaranteed tickets in the first 20 rows. The catch? You had to pick up the tickets at the will call booth two hours before the show. So, you didn't know where your seats would be, but you knew they would be good seats. Is stuck outside the arena considered a good seat?

The brain trust working the will call booth had trouble with the concept from the fan club. No matter how clearly you told them you ordered through the Paisley website, they kept searching Ticketmaster orders. So, when the good-natured, but dim-witted customer "service" rep finally caught on (after 40 minutes) that I didn't buy tickets through Ticketmaster she said "Oh, you bought through the fan club. That's different"…that's when I snapped.

"I HAVE TOLD YOU THAT THREE TIMES NOW!!!!!"
I reached through the will call window and beat her to death with her Dr. Scholl's inserts. OK, I didn't beat her to death. But I did yell at her. Loudly. Making-nearby-people-uncomfortable kind of loud. It's been a while since I've yelled at somebody like that. It felt good…and bad….all at the same time. Mostly bad.
Then she comes back with "We don't show anything in the system for you. You'll have to call the Fan Club". Call the Fan Club? 5:45 on a Saturday night? No problem there, huh?
The Will Call Manager noticed the commotion and came over to help. She searched for the tickets using my e-mail address. The tickets weren't in my name, they were in the wife's name. They weren't even in the wife's name. They were in the wife's name misspelled! The good news is we weren't stuck on the steps of the arena listening to the Brad Paisley station on Pandora on my I-phone. We got to go in and see the show, and what a show it was.

I don't always get the reaction I expect when I give the wife a gift. She is always thankful and appreciative. Just not gushing. The wife doesn't do gushy. That was not the case this time. As we continued to walk closer and closer to the stage, she got giddier and giddier. The wife doesn't do "giddy". She even said I "rock" in a Facebook post.

We were on the 8^th row on an aisle next to the runway that went to the center of the crowd from the main stage. We watched the show leaning on the stage.

The concert itself was a lot of fun. The opening act to the opening act was a guy I didn't know and don't remember. He sang a lot of songs about being drunk. The next act was Hootie (aka Darius Rucker). He was amazing. One of the top five male voices in modern music (IMHO). He high-fived me not once, but twice during his show. Here is the hand. I've not washed it since.

Brad Paisley proved to be an impressive entertainer. He is a surprisingly talented guitarist and really knows how to work the crowd. His signature move to the crowd is tossing guitar picks to the audience. We ended up with three of them. Paisley placed one in the wife's hand and tossed another directly to Sam. 

Paisley tossig pick to Sam.
FOCUS!



Paisley really seems to get it. He expressed sincere thanks to the crowd several times during the concert and gave honor to the pioneers of country music a number of times as well.

I am still not a big country music fan. And while Paisley's music won't be on the "most played" list on my i-pod, I really admire some of his work. "Alcohol" is very well written for such a light-hearted song and "Letter to Me" makes me cry each and every time I hear it…the concert on Saturday was not an exception. (Before you mock me, you try to listen to it and think about your teenage son. You'll be hunting down Kleenex in no time). I would definitely go to another Paisley concert in the future, though I don't know that the experience could come close to what we had this weekend. For an encore, I'll have to find a way to get the wife on stage with Paisley for a duet. Think that would keep her happy?

Going to See Kimberly William’s Husband in Concert

I have never been a country music fan. Then again, why should I be? I don't have a tobacco or crystal meth habit. I have never had my pick-up truck stolen by an ex-girlfriend/cousin. And none of my children are named after NASCAR drivers. Yet, somehow, I find myself in a home of Brad Paisley fans and will be going with them to his concert tonight in Louisville. Brad doesn't appear to be a typical country music star and the Yum! Center is a far cry from Bob's Country Bunker (where they play both kinds of music "country" and "western") so for my first country music concert, this could be interesting.

I say it's my first country music concert. That means I'm not counting the performers that wander around Dollywood. You know the ones with names like The Darlings, The Fred Ziffel Experience and The Oak Ridge Boys.

It's nothing personal as Brad Paisley seems like a very likable guy. He does lots of charity work, including the Water = Hope Campaign (a beneficiary of his current tour). He's married to Kimberly Williams-Paisley. Who is (a) a hottie, (b) star of "Father of the Bride", one of the top ten chick flicks that guys can stand to watch, and (c) was in "According to Jim" which starred Jim Belushi (brother of John Belushi, who as one of The Blues Brothers famously pretended to be The Good Ol' Boys and played a gig at Bob's Country Bunker). To recap: charitable…hot wife…Bob's Country Bunker. Does anybody know if this guy's music is any good?

If not for the wife and kids, I wouldn't be going to the show tonight to be sure. Most of the time, when we do things just because the wife wants to, it usually turns out great for both of us. Having to watch "Beaches" or go see "Mamma Mia" wouldn't fall into that category, but it is always a treat to do something fun together (let me be clear "Beaches" didn't fall into that category either and it is NOT on the top ten list of chick flicks that guys can stand to watch).

I'll post a concert review tomorrow in the "Reviews, Previews an Insightful Commentary" page of this blog. But, if you are at the concert tonight, look me up. I'll be the guy without a cowboy hat or Skoal stains on my jeans. I'll also be the one shouting "Freebird" before each song (or maybe "Stand By Your Man" or "Rawhide").

Valentine’s Special: Let Me Be Your Rufus

Valentine's Day can be almost as perilous a holiday for a man as Thanksgiving is for a turkey. If you aren't careful, you just might lose your giblets.

What I mean by that is that the expectations placed upon a man to get Valentine's Day "right" are much greater than those on a woman. A man is expected to buy his wife chocolate or jewelry or flowers or all of the above.

The wife? All she has to do is show up.

Hopefully naked.

Preferably awake.

A perfect example of this inequity can be found by looking at Valentine's Day gift suggestions for men at gifts.com. Here are a few of the gems on the list:

• A tie (please, ladies...no ties).
• Annual subscription to the Pickle of the Month Club (are there even twelve different kinds of pickles?).
• The World's Largest Gummy Worm (and that is NOT a euphemism for an enhancement product).

So guys, all these expectations may have you feeling pressure leading up to Valentine's Day. Just like Ted "Theodore" Logan and Bill S. Preston, Esquire felt the pressure to pass their history final. Fail the final and Ted goes to military school and there is no Wyld Stallyns music to bring the universe into harmony. (By the way, two blog posts and two Keanu references. To quote Mr. Reeves, "whoooooa"). Your problem is you have no dude named Rufus traveling through time in a phone booth to guide you. Well, let me be your "Rufus" (sans phone booth).

Tip #1 - Too Late for Love: If you are doing your Valentine's

shopping at 6PM on February 14 at the Circle K, there will be more than "strange things afoot". There will be a foot in a high heel implanted in your backside. Don't be in the scrum of losers at the Kroger floral department fighting over the last wilted arrangement of tulips. Plan ahead…at least a little.

Tip #2 - Avoid the Self-Inflicted Wounds: If the only day a year you give your wife flowers is Valentine's Day, you are looking at $80. Let me do that currency conversion for you. Ten six-packs. Almost two full tanks of gas. Lunch for two weeks. Buying a big bouquet on Valentine's Day is for suckers and if you want to avoid that kind of punch to the coin purse then you need to bring your wife flowers more often than once a year. It may be too late for this strategery this year, but now you can plan ahead for next year. Sam's and Costco have a nice selection and proflowers.com has good deals at least 364 days a year. (Does anybody know how I can get a commission or product placement endorsement here?)

Tip #3 – Don't Forget to Wind Your Watch.

Tip #4 – Put the Greeting Card Back in the Rack and Slowly Walk Away: I hate buying greeting cards. You pay $5 for something a stranger wrote (and doesn't even have enough pride in their work to add a by-line to it). You give the card to your wife and it becomes obsolete as fast as the latest product from Apple (I don't guess the I-phone 8G will be in my mailbox anytime soon). You don't have to be Bill Shakespeare to compose your own love letters. A few simple hand-written notes for your wife hidden where she'll find them throughout the day is a can't miss hit she'll be sure to remember on Valentine's Day.

Tip #5 – To Lingerie or Not to Lingerie?: The "one and done" lingerie gift may not be your best option. First, you endure the awkwardness of shopping in Victoria's Secret (a topic for future blog to be sure). After five minutes on, it's tossed to the floor and then later crammed in the back of a drawer never to be seen again. If you do choose the lingerie route, stay classy San Diego. The wife probably won't appreciate something that would have been deemed inappropriate for a chick in a Duran Duran video.



Happy Valentine's Day to you and your "historic babe". Party on, dudes.

P.S. Check out the buttons at the top of the page for more most excellent content.

The One Thing You Must Do to Keep a Happy Wife…

In life, there are universal truths that must be learned and followed without fail.

• Don't eat yellow snow. It ain't lemon flavored.
• Don't run with scissors (Did Edward Scissorhands ever even get to skip? How sad.).
• Caution: filling is hot.
• Never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line (thanks for the info, Vizzini).

The one thing you must do to keep a happy wife is…choose well.

Sounds simple, but it's true. Think about it. You wouldn't plan to get the Taj Majal when building with twigs and Elmer's glue. You can't hope to win an Oscar and cast Keanu Reaves as the lead. And you wouldn't expect to get a fine Merlot by stepping on grape nuts cereal. So, if you want a happy wife (and, therefore, a happy life) you gotta start with the right woman.

So, as a young single man I set out on my quest to find the right woman - my perfect woman. I thought I was making progress until under "interrogation" by the "authorities" they referred to my "quest" as "stalking". Thanks for the restraining order, Cindy Crawford!

The thing I learned from the Crawford Incident (other than, how to measure a distance of 500 yards by sight and how to compose a love note out of letters cut from a magazine) is that she wasn't really the "right" woman (And how "perfect" can she be if she is so quick to reach for the mace?).
Seriously, to say I "chose well" is an understatement and it is not entirely accurate, either. In retrospect, my mother-in-law actually seemed to do the choosing. I'm still not sure how she arranged my marriage to Cindy. Is she a witch, you ask? I don't think so, but if she is, she's one of those good witches like Glinda in "Wicked".
And I really didn't "choose well" as much as I "lucked out". I met Cindy (not Crawford) when I was 20 years old. We started dating when I was 21 and were married at 22. What the heck did I know about what I wanted in life? Well, I knew I liked sports. I knew the "don't eat yellow snow" thing. I knew I liked boobs. That was about it…oh, and pizza. I liked that, too. That's not a lot of wisdom and insight to fall back on when conning…I mean, courting a woman to be my bride. Thank God and my mother-in-law that greater powers were at work to bring me the right woman to be my happy wife.
Every man should be so blessed to have a wife who loves him the way my wife loves me. (Editor's note: Guys, you cannot have her, but if you are single, she does have two sisters). It's somewhat of a fraud to say I do anything really exceptional to "keep a happy wife". For purposes of this blog, however, I will go ahead and take credit for it.