Hola! It's Derby Day!

Today is Cinco de Mayo.  It is my understanding that this is the day that the brave people of Mexico won the right to drink funny-named beer until they pass out.  Today, frat boys, yuppies and American red necks everywhere now gladly celebrate this freedom with our neighbors to the South.  That is all I know about Cinco de Mayo, other than the fact that this is the one day a year I replace “hello” with “hola”.  So…”hola, ya’ll”.

More importantly to me, however, is that today is the 138^th running of the Kentucky Derby.  Derby is the day when people with questionable fashion judgment crowd the infield at a race track and drink cheaply- made beer and oddly-named drinks until they pass out. Oh, yeah…there’s a horse race, too.  If you struggle to find a sporting event to enjoy with your wife, The Kentucky Derby is it.  So, in honor of The Run for the Roses, here are some “Do’s and Don’ts of Derby Day”.

Don’t Drink Mint Juleps: This is the traditional drink of the Kentucky Derby.  At Churchill Downs they have a special one for Derby Week that is sold for $1,000 (yes that is dollars and not pesos).  The problem (other than “the special one” costs a $1,000 dollars not pesos) is that a mint julep is gross.  Don’t waste your time mixing one up because you’ll take one sip and say “that’s gross, where’s my bourbon or cheaply-made, funny-named beer”.  The Oaks Lilly, The Kentucky Oaks official drink, is one that your wife may enjoy.  Or, if you want a true, traditional Kentucky drink to enjoy during the Derby try sipping some Maker’s Mark or Woodford Reserve.  Or if you are really hard core, go with moonshine.

Do watch the pre-race puff pieces: Most of the time human interest stories don’t interest me.  The Derby stories are somehow different.  Amazing stories like that of a down-and-out colt from the wrong side of the track being taken in by a well-to-do trainer and finding himself one day being a first round NFL draft pick.  Am I remembering that right? Anyway, the stories of the horses, trainers, jockeys and owners are actually compelling.  You may shed a tear or two while watching some of these.  If you do, just tell your wife your eyes are watering because you're allergic to horses.



I have no idea who this is

Do make fun of “celebrities”: During the pre-race show, NBC will interview all the obnoxiously-dressed, moderately-buzzed reality TV stars you can stand. At first, it’s annoying, but it becomes fun as you try to identify any one (just one) of these “celebrities” that you’ve actually heard of.  This, too, can be a sporting event to enjoy with your wife. (Side bar celebrity sighting: A few years ago, The Wife was at a craft store during Derby Week to get supplies to make a hat.  In line next to her…none other than one of the dudes from “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy”.  I’m not sure which one it was, but I think it was the gay one).

Don’t make fun of your wife’s picks: The Wife does actually know how to handicap a bit if she wants to.  She just doesn’t always want to.  For example, yesterday during the Kentucky Oaks she based her pick on which filly had a jockey with orange silks.  Well, the winner was in orange, but she picked the wrong one wearing orange.  The point is that your WAG (wife or girlfriend) making her pick based on horse name (“’Hansen’ sounds like that boy band”), or silks (“Liaison’s jockey is wearing pink”) or color (“Creative Cause is a pretty grey horse”) may be silly or she may stumble into brilliance.  Whatever the case, don’t make fun of her pick because If you do, then you won’t get a “look at her fillies” later.  Plus when her horse (who she picked because “Mmm Bop” was a cute song) finishes ahead of yours (that you spent hours methodically selecting) you don’t want to look like too much of an idiot.

My Derby picks this year are here.  Last year I had the winner (for the first time in 8 years). Actually,  last year if you took the picks of The Wife, The Tall One, The Short One and me we had the superfecta.  A 10-cent super would have paid $2,400.  And, no, I didn’t make that wager.  Live and learn. 

Happy Derby!