Happy Mother's Day From Gilligan's Island

Like me, I’m sure you often wondered how characters from classic television shows are like our mothers.  Fortunately for you, I’m here to help you out.  Here is how each character from Gilligan’s Island is like a good mom (listed in order of how they were introduced in the theme song).  

Gilligan: A good mom can bring fun and light-heartedness to any situation.  After a bad report card, a nasty break-up or your tiny ship is being tossed, a mom can make you feel a little better about it.

Skipper: The hardest worker on the island was the Skipper.  The hardest worker in the house is the mom.  She can take care of the house or build a hut.  She protects the kids from bullies at school or headhunters from the next island over.

The Millionaire (Thurston Howell III): Mr. Howell was a smart business person.  Whether it is traditional business, the business of running a home or both (“bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan”), mom knows how to handle the money.  Side note: My favorite Mr. Howell quote was when he was supposed to impersonate a native.  When he spoke he said: “Moolah, moolah, moolah”.

His Wife (Lovey): Lovey brought at least a little civility and sophistication to the uncivilized, unchartered desert isle.  Moms help us remember to mind our manners, eat with utensils, don’t hog the bananas and to be polite even to the savages.

The Movie Star (Ginger Grant): Most moms I know don’t pack just evening gowns when they go on vacation, but like Ginger moms can bring beauty any place they go.

The Professor: Moms are smart.  They possess an innate ingenuity (“Innate Ingenuity” sounds like the name of some indie rock band).  The Professor could make almost anything (except a boat that would get the castaways off the island) out of coconuts and bamboo (I think The Professor was MacGyver’s dad).  Moms have the same ability.  It could be 9 PM on a Thursday night, and a mom can be told by her kid that he has a science project due on Friday.  With nothing more than a ball of yarn, a pack of stale Juicy Fruit and a thimble, mom can make a model of the solar system.

Mary Ann: Like Mary Ann, moms are sweet and caring.  Mary Ann was the tender and compassionate one on the island.  Moms are that in our homes.  Even at times when the “weather started getting rough”, moms are there with a kind word of encouragement.  Plus they make pie for us.  (By the way, the answer to the question “Ginger or Mary Ann”?  Definitely Mary Ann.)

I want to wish a very Happy Mother’s Day to my mom, The Wife and The Wife’s mom.  Happy Mother’s Day to all the other moms out there, too.  I know you’ll do your very best to keep the others comfortable in your tropic island nest (or your house).

Hola! It's Derby Day!

Today is Cinco de Mayo.  It is my understanding that this is the day that the brave people of Mexico won the right to drink funny-named beer until they pass out.  Today, frat boys, yuppies and American red necks everywhere now gladly celebrate this freedom with our neighbors to the South.  That is all I know about Cinco de Mayo, other than the fact that this is the one day a year I replace “hello” with “hola”.  So…”hola, ya’ll”.

More importantly to me, however, is that today is the 138^th running of the Kentucky Derby.  Derby is the day when people with questionable fashion judgment crowd the infield at a race track and drink cheaply- made beer and oddly-named drinks until they pass out. Oh, yeah…there’s a horse race, too.  If you struggle to find a sporting event to enjoy with your wife, The Kentucky Derby is it.  So, in honor of The Run for the Roses, here are some “Do’s and Don’ts of Derby Day”.

Don’t Drink Mint Juleps: This is the traditional drink of the Kentucky Derby.  At Churchill Downs they have a special one for Derby Week that is sold for $1,000 (yes that is dollars and not pesos).  The problem (other than “the special one” costs a $1,000 dollars not pesos) is that a mint julep is gross.  Don’t waste your time mixing one up because you’ll take one sip and say “that’s gross, where’s my bourbon or cheaply-made, funny-named beer”.  The Oaks Lilly, The Kentucky Oaks official drink, is one that your wife may enjoy.  Or, if you want a true, traditional Kentucky drink to enjoy during the Derby try sipping some Maker’s Mark or Woodford Reserve.  Or if you are really hard core, go with moonshine.

Do watch the pre-race puff pieces: Most of the time human interest stories don’t interest me.  The Derby stories are somehow different.  Amazing stories like that of a down-and-out colt from the wrong side of the track being taken in by a well-to-do trainer and finding himself one day being a first round NFL draft pick.  Am I remembering that right? Anyway, the stories of the horses, trainers, jockeys and owners are actually compelling.  You may shed a tear or two while watching some of these.  If you do, just tell your wife your eyes are watering because you're allergic to horses.



I have no idea who this is

Do make fun of “celebrities”: During the pre-race show, NBC will interview all the obnoxiously-dressed, moderately-buzzed reality TV stars you can stand. At first, it’s annoying, but it becomes fun as you try to identify any one (just one) of these “celebrities” that you’ve actually heard of.  This, too, can be a sporting event to enjoy with your wife. (Side bar celebrity sighting: A few years ago, The Wife was at a craft store during Derby Week to get supplies to make a hat.  In line next to her…none other than one of the dudes from “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy”.  I’m not sure which one it was, but I think it was the gay one).

Don’t make fun of your wife’s picks: The Wife does actually know how to handicap a bit if she wants to.  She just doesn’t always want to.  For example, yesterday during the Kentucky Oaks she based her pick on which filly had a jockey with orange silks.  Well, the winner was in orange, but she picked the wrong one wearing orange.  The point is that your WAG (wife or girlfriend) making her pick based on horse name (“’Hansen’ sounds like that boy band”), or silks (“Liaison’s jockey is wearing pink”) or color (“Creative Cause is a pretty grey horse”) may be silly or she may stumble into brilliance.  Whatever the case, don’t make fun of her pick because If you do, then you won’t get a “look at her fillies” later.  Plus when her horse (who she picked because “Mmm Bop” was a cute song) finishes ahead of yours (that you spent hours methodically selecting) you don’t want to look like too much of an idiot.

My Derby picks this year are here.  Last year I had the winner (for the first time in 8 years). Actually,  last year if you took the picks of The Wife, The Tall One, The Short One and me we had the superfecta.  A 10-cent super would have paid $2,400.  And, no, I didn’t make that wager.  Live and learn. 

Happy Derby!