Vasectomy Madness, Baby!

Snip, snip.

“You want to do what to my what with what?”



That was probably a mild version of the response from the first guy asked to undergo a vasectomy.  That same response has been said (or at least thought) by every guy presented with the option of “The Big V”.  In recent years, a trend has developed in the vasectomy world.  Men are scheduling their “procedures” at the start of the NCAA basketball tournament.  The thinking is: “If I let a stranger take a knife to my fellas, my wife will let me watch four days of hoops?  Where do I sign up?!”

I am not a doctor.  I do not play one on TV.  I do not play one on my blog. So the technical, medical aspects of the vasectomy may be off just a little.  I realize it’s not exactly “a knife to the fellas”, but that is how we see it, ladies.

Some urology clinics actually run specials during the opening week of March Madness and they see their appointments go up by as much as 50%.  Many of these clinics give away t-shirts or cups (the kind you drink from, not the protective ones), free pizza, a bag of frozen peas (to put in your, ummmm, lap) or other promotional trinkets.  I hope there are not any clinics that offer group discounts.  That’s an assembly line process that even Henry Ford would object to.

So, what does this have to do with Keep A Happy Wife?  Well, if you and your wife are done making babies but still want to “practice making babies” without risking making a baby, then a permanent solution is needed. The option for women is a surgical procedure, typically requiring a hospital stay, under general anesthesia.  For guys there are three options:

1. Vasectomy – A few hours in a clinic with local anesthesia.

2. Nosexforme – This is a simple, but potentially distressing option performed (or not performed in this case) by your wife that means you no have sex no more.

3. Bobbitization – This is a simple, but definitely painful option that is also performed at home by your wife with a sharp implement of her choosing.  Typically this will occur in your sleep.  It will require a call to 911, an extended hospital stay and awkward explanations to your buddies if you shower at the gym.  I know a couple of guys who kept putting off their vasectomy and kept getting their wife pregnant who were dangerously close to this being their fate.

It has been a few years since The Wife and I discussed this topic.  (To be sure, it needs to be a “couple’s decision”.  Going rogue and getting the “V” done without your wife being in agreement with it is about as selfish as refusing to have the procedure done in the first place.)  The most important decision for us was to determine that we were done having kids (I should say having “more kids”.  We kept the ones we already had). The question of “To V or not to V” wasn’t really an issue.  It’s the simplest option.

The truth is, however, a vasectomy is nerve-racking for a guy and shouldn’t be just shrugged-off as “no big deal”.    If I could do one thing differently, I would have spent more time finding a doctor.  My doctor, while ultimately “effective” in the procedure, lacked any bed-side manner, whatsoever. 

You're gonna feel a small prick

As the local anesthetic was being administered, the doc, needle in hand, said “you’ll feel a small prick”.  Nervous and trying to make a joke, I said, “You will, too, doc”.  He didn’t get it.

While the procedure itself isn’t painful due to the anesthesia, it is uncomfortable…like a trip to the dentist (though if your dentist starts working “down there”, you don’t have a very good dentist).  Understandably, that discomfort is heightened by the sensitive nature of the procedure itself.  So, when the doctor perceived that I was “uncomfortable” he went to his “Bedside Manner 101” class and dead-panned: “Have you read any books lately or do you have interesting hobbies?”.  I would have mocked him if he didn’t have me in such an extremely compromising position. 

So when you and your wife come to the point in your life that the word “vasectomy” starts creeping into conversations, don’t let “macho” get in the way of making a “manly” decision.  A couple of “snips” can be a way to show her how much you love her.  Just don’t go under the knife so you can watch a few extra days of hoops. You can work out a better deal than that to watch the NCAA tourney.