Thoughts on Meteorology and the First Signs of Spring (Reprise)

Hi there.  "Reprise" is a fancy word for "rerun".  Not like Rerun on "What's Happening" but like what Saturday Night Live calls an "Encore Presentation".  With today being the first day of Spring I thought I'd re-share (is that a word?) this blog post with you. 

As a preface or appendix or addendum (pick the word you like best) I want to say that despite the poking fun at weather people in this post, they do a tremendous job when real emergencies arise.  Countless lives are saved by the accuracy with which they can pinpoint major storms and tornados.  If only we could get an official ruling on that "partly sunny" vs. "partly cloudy" thing.  Oh, well...enjoy and "Happy Spring"!


The wife knows I'm not a fan of local news. It's all homicide investigations, poorly reported sports and the weather. That's the worst of it - the weather. They call their otherwise unemployable weather people "The Storm Team" as they overuse gadgets with hyperbolic names like "Mega Gargantu-Doppler 3000". If you are using expensive radar technology to zoom into your ex-wife's backyard, then you have problems.

"Loud Noises!"

It's not just the locals (and believe me, it is likely the locals where you live, too. It's the same most places). They've given these people their own cable channel (who do they think they are? Celebrity chefs? Oprah? For a slight tangent on cable shows, click here). The weathermen and weathergirls (or as they like to be called, "meteorologists") give us terms like partly sunny and partly cloudy and they don't know the difference between the two. (There is a reason that this guy played the weatherman in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.)

After a long, dark, cold winter we are ready for signs of hope and renewal – signs of spring. Traditionally, the weather people would be the prophets carrying the message of this welcome change in seasons. They would wear us out with the whole groundhog thing on February 2^nd, but we would be OK with it as it would be the first mention of spring. A couple of weeks later they'd tempt you with a ridiculous 30 day forecast that shows a few days stretching up to the lower 70s. Then, finally they would show us video of an egg standing on end at the equinox and declare spring's arrival. Well, now they've messed that up. They have proclaimed March 1 as "meteorological spring". First, Al Roker got skinny, now this. These people have got to be stopped.

So, we've known for a while now that we can't count on them to get the weather right (the symbol in the forecast for today has a sun peeking out from behind a cloud with rain and a lightning bolt coming from the cloud. Add a snow flake, a tornado and a question mark and I think they'll have all their bases covered. Better yet, just put down the question mark. It's more honest.) Now we can't even rely on them to tell us when spring begins. You can always look to the more traditional signs of spring like the birds chirping, flowers blooming and trees blossoming (or do trees bloom and flowers blossom?). However, as I'm sure you do, too, I have my own signs I look for to tell me that spring is, at long last, here.

The Masters. Not so much the golf tournament itself ("Cinderella boy, tears in his eyes"), but the commercials that air a couple of weeks before it: The serene video of azaleas blooming into blossom and dogwoods blossoming into bloom with the soft tones of The Masters theme song in the background. This is not only a reminder that the wife and I haven't played golf in five months, it also means that spring is ready to embrace us with warmth and sunshine and pollen and Cadbury eggs.

Women wearing shorts. Now, it's not what you may be thinking, so allow me to explain. Guys will wear shorts in any weather. It can be 10-below with a foot of snow on the ground and a guy will go outside in shorts ("I only have to be outside from the car to the store"). A woman wouldn't do that. You rarely see a woman out in shorts if the weather doesn't call for it. So, when you see a woman outside in shorts you can thank the God of Nature…spring is back. Women readers, please skip the next paragraph.

"I love ya honey"

Pssst, hey dude…do you think the women bought that? It sounded pretty good, didn't it? If we get a cold snap in a few days go to the store in shorts so we don't blow our cover. Hey, man – quit singing "Hot Legs". That won't help our cause so get that song out of your head already. Thanks, bro.

Hey! Welcome back, ladies. You didn't miss much. Just a little guy talk…grunting and burping, mostly.

Finally, the most accurate sign of spring around our house is a calendar full of baseball. Both of our boys play for their schools, I help coach one of their teams and the wife and I (mostly the wife) do a lot of volunteer work with the entire high school program. From Saturday March 19^th through April 2^nd we have baseball on the schedule every single day. I don't think God rested on the seventh day. I think He said "let's play two". So, honey, put on your shorts…we are headed to the ball park. But be sure to check the weather before we go.

Vasectomy Madness, Baby!

Snip, snip.

“You want to do what to my what with what?”



That was probably a mild version of the response from the first guy asked to undergo a vasectomy.  That same response has been said (or at least thought) by every guy presented with the option of “The Big V”.  In recent years, a trend has developed in the vasectomy world.  Men are scheduling their “procedures” at the start of the NCAA basketball tournament.  The thinking is: “If I let a stranger take a knife to my fellas, my wife will let me watch four days of hoops?  Where do I sign up?!”

I am not a doctor.  I do not play one on TV.  I do not play one on my blog. So the technical, medical aspects of the vasectomy may be off just a little.  I realize it’s not exactly “a knife to the fellas”, but that is how we see it, ladies.

Some urology clinics actually run specials during the opening week of March Madness and they see their appointments go up by as much as 50%.  Many of these clinics give away t-shirts or cups (the kind you drink from, not the protective ones), free pizza, a bag of frozen peas (to put in your, ummmm, lap) or other promotional trinkets.  I hope there are not any clinics that offer group discounts.  That’s an assembly line process that even Henry Ford would object to.

So, what does this have to do with Keep A Happy Wife?  Well, if you and your wife are done making babies but still want to “practice making babies” without risking making a baby, then a permanent solution is needed. The option for women is a surgical procedure, typically requiring a hospital stay, under general anesthesia.  For guys there are three options:

1. Vasectomy – A few hours in a clinic with local anesthesia.

2. Nosexforme – This is a simple, but potentially distressing option performed (or not performed in this case) by your wife that means you no have sex no more.

3. Bobbitization – This is a simple, but definitely painful option that is also performed at home by your wife with a sharp implement of her choosing.  Typically this will occur in your sleep.  It will require a call to 911, an extended hospital stay and awkward explanations to your buddies if you shower at the gym.  I know a couple of guys who kept putting off their vasectomy and kept getting their wife pregnant who were dangerously close to this being their fate.

It has been a few years since The Wife and I discussed this topic.  (To be sure, it needs to be a “couple’s decision”.  Going rogue and getting the “V” done without your wife being in agreement with it is about as selfish as refusing to have the procedure done in the first place.)  The most important decision for us was to determine that we were done having kids (I should say having “more kids”.  We kept the ones we already had). The question of “To V or not to V” wasn’t really an issue.  It’s the simplest option.

The truth is, however, a vasectomy is nerve-racking for a guy and shouldn’t be just shrugged-off as “no big deal”.    If I could do one thing differently, I would have spent more time finding a doctor.  My doctor, while ultimately “effective” in the procedure, lacked any bed-side manner, whatsoever. 

You're gonna feel a small prick

As the local anesthetic was being administered, the doc, needle in hand, said “you’ll feel a small prick”.  Nervous and trying to make a joke, I said, “You will, too, doc”.  He didn’t get it.

While the procedure itself isn’t painful due to the anesthesia, it is uncomfortable…like a trip to the dentist (though if your dentist starts working “down there”, you don’t have a very good dentist).  Understandably, that discomfort is heightened by the sensitive nature of the procedure itself.  So, when the doctor perceived that I was “uncomfortable” he went to his “Bedside Manner 101” class and dead-panned: “Have you read any books lately or do you have interesting hobbies?”.  I would have mocked him if he didn’t have me in such an extremely compromising position. 

So when you and your wife come to the point in your life that the word “vasectomy” starts creeping into conversations, don’t let “macho” get in the way of making a “manly” decision.  A couple of “snips” can be a way to show her how much you love her.  Just don’t go under the knife so you can watch a few extra days of hoops. You can work out a better deal than that to watch the NCAA tourney.