Happy Leap Day (or is it "Merry Leap Day?)

I didn't start Valentine's Day, dummy

February has really gotten hosed.  It is the shortest month of the year – 10% shorter than some overrated months like August and March (August? Pfft.  Please). What February lacks in quantity, however, it makes up for in quality.  Some of the greatest, most influential presidents in history were born in February:  George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan.  Other great Americans were born in February, too: Charles Lindbergh, Tina Louise, me, Jennifer Aniston, Tennessee Ernie Ford, me, Bobby Valentine (who started Valentine’s Day) , Cindy Crawford, and did I mention…me!

One thing February boasts (other than being the month I was born) that other months can’t is a flex day.  Other months boringly have the same number of days each and every year.  (Where’s the adventure in that?)  February, however, delivers us a special gift of an extra day – a 29^th day -- once every four years: Leap Day!

There are some unique Leap Day traditions that you may not be aware of:

·          Leap Day is also known as “Privilege Day” because on February 29^th women have the “privilege” of proposing to men.  While doing so, the woman must be wearing a red petticoat.  If the man declines the proposal he must give the woman a silk gown and a kiss.  I think the origins of this are found in the Book of Leviticus or the Book of Assumptions, I don’t remember which.

·         If you wake up on Leap Day and see your shadow, then that means the sun is out.   Not only that, it means that sometime within 24 hours the sun will go down and you won’t see your shadow anymore (it is eerie how accurate this is). However, if you don’t see your shadow on Leap Day morning, then Darth Vader will come down from the planet Vulcan and melt your brain.  (Fingers crossed for that shadow).

·         The TV show 30 Rock had a recent episode where the writers created a series of Leap Day traditions.  On February 29, Leap Day William visits and trades candy for the tears of children.  If you don’t wear traditional blue and yellow on Leap Day, you get your eye poked and your hair pulled.  Expressions used on Leap Day include “Real life is for March” and “Nothing that happens on Leap Day counts”.

In many ways, Leap Day is the most important day of the year (every four years, that is).  Well most important next to Christmas, Easter, my anniversary with The Wife, Super Bowl Sunday, Independence Day, the Wife’s birthday and baseball Opening Day.   It is Leap Day that holds together time as we know it.  A complete revolution around the sun (or what we’ve dubbed “a year”) actually takes 365 days and 6 hours.  Leap Day is the necessary adjustment to keep things on track.  Without this adjustment, we would slowly drift off course and the Earth would spin wildly into the Sun.  Well, maybe not that, but without a Leap Day, we would inch towards a time when Winter is Summer.  Or is it Summer that becomes Winter?  I’m not sure which way.

The thing we can take from Leap Day is not that “nothing that happens on Leap Day counts” but that “everything on Leap Day can count”.  In the spirit of Leap Day, is there a course that needs adjusting in your marriage?  (Or as Led Zeppelin told us in Stairway to Heaven “there’s still time to change the road you’re on”).  A tweak here, a nudge there may be just what you need to keep your brain from being melted and keeping your relationship on the track that you intended.

Leap Day greetings to you and yours!

The 2012 Wifey Awards

Entertainers have not created enough award shows as a method to publicly honor themselves, their work and their plastic surgery.  All they have is the Oscars, Tony’s, Emmy’s, SAG, Grammy’s, People’s Choice, MTV Movie, MTV Video, Independent Spirit, Critics’ Choice, CMT, CMA and ACM (As Kanye knows, there just aren’t enough celebrity awards to go around). A group such as these beloved celebrities that can make us laugh, cry and sing all while naming their children after verbs or inanimate objects deserve as many opportunities for accolades as the viewing public can mind-numbingly consume.

So, last year I was determined to do my part in righting this wrong and I created The Wifey Awards.  This is the Keep A Happy Wife version of the Academy Awards.  The Wife and I enjoy going to the movies (especially on Tuesday which is $5 movie night) but, like most people, we don’t see a lot of the movies that get nominated for Oscars.  So, don’t count on seeing lots of nominations here for The Artist or War Horse. 

Category: Movie I’m Glad I Didn’t See

• Rise of the Planet of the Apes:  Which of you asked for another Planet of the Apes movie?  Moses must be rolling over in his grave with yet another knock off in this movie franchise.
• Justin Bieber Never Say Never:  Well, I can say “never”, as in “I’ve never heard a Justin Bieber song”.  That takes discipline, people.
• Dolphin Tale: Do I have to explain why I didn’t want to see this?   If the dolphin used his bionic tale as a vigilante-style crime fighter, then that would be a movie worth seeing.
• Jack & Jill: Adam Sandler isn’t consistently funny anymore playing a man.  Why would he be funny in a movie where he plays a man and a woman?  Answer: He wouldn’t.
• And the Wifey goes to: Justin Bieber.  This has less to do with how repulsive I find Justin Bieber, but more with keeping my own streak alive.  A player on a streak has to respect the streak , right Crash Davis?

Category: Bad A** of the Year

• Tom Cruise from the 3^rd or 4^th or 5^th (I lost count) Mission Impossible movie.  He beats people up in dramatic fashion while saving the world.
• The Iron Man Guy in the 2^nd Sherlock Holmes movie.  He beats people up in slow motion/stop action to save London.
• Liam Neeson in Unknown.  He beats people up trying to remember who he really is.
• And the Wifey Goes to: Liam Neeson.  Qui Gon Jinn deserves a lifetime achievement award in this category.  He looks like he should be teaching high school chemistry, but he can open up a can on any bad guy on a moment’s notice.

Category: Best Looking Actress:

• Jennifer Aniston: This is the second nomination in a row for Aniston.  She more than held her own alongside a much younger Brooklyn Decker in Just Go With It. 
• Rachel McAdams: Her parts in Sherlock Holmes and Midnight in Paris were too small, but she was good while she was on screen.  Now that I read “her parts” and “were too small” that sounds bad.  I mean her on-screen time seemed brief.  Get your minds out of the gutter, people.
• Olivia Wilde: She was in about ten movies last year, but I only saw one (Cowboys & Aliens).  I liked it.
• And the Wifey goes to: For the second year in a row, the award goes to The Wife.  Not only is she pretty, but she shares popcorn with me.  Jennifer Aniston has never done that.

Category: Best Looking Actor: This is based on commentary from the Wife about the actors in movies we see.  They all just look like dudes to me.  Except Owen Wilson.  He looks like an aardvark with that twisted beak of his.

• Matthew McConaughey: I think The Wife liked him more in other movies than she did in Lincoln Lawyer.
• Ryan Gosling: We saw him in Ides of March and Crazy Stupid Love.  We liked both of the movies.  The Wife says “he’s pretty”.  She says it a lot.
• Thor: I can’t remember what his real name is.  I don’t know that The Wife does either, but she says “he’s really pretty”. 
• And the Wifey goes to: After much angst, The Wife has selected Thor for the Best Looking Actor award.  She adds: “I call them ‘eye candy’”. 

Category: Best Alien Movie

• Transformers: Were there real actors in this movie?  I think the whole thing was computer graphics.  I may have to disqualify this nomination.
• Cowboys & Aliens: A cheesy movie title, but it was surprisingly good.  007 losing his British accent to play a cowboy is some great acting.
• Super 8: An interesting take on the alien movie by J.J. Abrams (“Lost”).   It reminded me of the classic Stand By Me and about a dozen space alien movies.
• And the Wifey goes to: Super 8.  Coach Eric Taylor fighting space aliens is tough to beat.

Category: Best Movie:

• Ides of March: George Clooney and Gosling led a strong cast that shocked the world by telling us that politics is a corrupt business.
• Moneyball: This movie starring Brad Pitt and a still plump Jonah Hill was a favorite of baseball geeks everywhere.
• The Adjustment Bureau: Matt Damon and Emily Blunt fight the forces of fate and destiny to hold on to true love.
• Crazy Stupid Love: I was surprised by how much I liked this movie.  Steve Carell, Gosling, Julianne Moore and the entire cast were very good in this comedy that shows how relationships can go full circle before you even know it.
• And the Wifey goes to: Well, Ides of March was too dark, so it’s out.  Moneyball ignored the pitching staff of that A’s team, so I have to toss it on the basis of the integrity of baseball history.  I’ll write about Crazy Stupid Love in another blog post soon (so we’ll call that award enough for that movie).  So, the Best Movie Wifey goes to The Adjustment Bureau.  Congratulations.  Wait….how did I give an award to a movie with an actor that was in We Bought a Zoo.  I’d go back and change it, but thinking about it makes my head hurt, so we’ll just pretend the Zoo movie never happened.

Please note that none of these movies are in 3-D or have a Justin Bieber song in its soundtrack!  I am proud of both of these facts. We haven’t seen anything so far in 2012 that will qualify for Best Movie nominee next year, but I’ll keep you posted on any good movies The Wife and I see on date night throughout the year.

Kicking Butt on Valentine's Day (A Case Study)

Imagine going to the Mercedes dealer and buying a new car for your wife.  Only when the car is delivered it’s just a box of unassembled parts.  It has instructions, but they are written in something that looks like Klingon….and the pictures on the instructions look kinda like the model of the Space Shuttle you built in 5th grade.  You don’t know what to do.  You don’t even know where to start.  However, you think that a shot of whisky would probably make it a little bit better.  Oh, yeah, all the while the love of your life is standing close by looking very disappointed.  (You definitely need some booze.)

That is how many men feel about February 14.  They want to “Keep a Happy Wife” on Valentine's Day, but aren’t sure how to do it.  Some men think throwing money at the problem will make it go away.  In an episode of The Office, Michael Scott said: “Presents are the best way to show someone you care.  It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, “Hey, I love you this many dollars worth”.  If you think that way you are an idiot.  If your wife thinks that way, then I am very, very sorry for you.  That attitude tends to make Valentine's Day really hard ("that's what she said").

If you or your wife think that breaking the bank is the best way to say “I love you (this many dollars worth)” then I say it is time to re-align that perspective and change some expectations.  A truly thoughtful gift will outweigh an expensive one every time.  (Side note: When you read “thoughtful” do not confuse that with a greeting card from the gas station you found at 6:00 on February 14).  What Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about is a celebration and declaration of how much you love your wife.  Not a celebration of how high your credit limit used to be on your American Express.

I’ll share with you a practical idea that I used this year.  It took a little time and a little planning, but it captured the meaning of Valentine’s Day.

This morning when The Wife got up, she found a scrolled note on the kitchen counter in front of a vase of red tulips.  The scroll was held together by a thumb tack.  You can see the note here.

The Wife’s van was filled with red and pink balloons (probably about 35).  Inside each balloon was a very small note.  The note was from me or one of our sons stating a reason why we loved her.  In one of the balloons were tickets for a movie on Valentine’s night.  Also, hanging from her rear view mirror was a pink striped scarf.  All in: balloons and balloon pump (recommended) from the party supply store, movie tickets and scarf from Target…about $40.  This was a meaningful, memorable and affordable Valentine’s Day.

So The Wife has spent the morning popping balloons are reading about how much her family (especially her husband) loves her.  Her comment to me: “You sure know how to show me I am loved”. 

Valentine’s Day just got it’s a$$ kicked, people!

If you have any fun Valentine's ideas, leave a comment!  I'd love to hear it. 

Happy Valentine's to you and yours.

Valentine's Special: Let Me Be Your Rufus (reprised)

In honor of the One Year Anniversary of "Keep A Happy Wife" and in celebration of the fast-approaching Valentine's Day, here is an Encore Presentation (that's fancy for "re-run") of 2011's Valentine's Day post.  Enjoy and thank you for your support.

Valentine's Day can be almost as perilous a holiday for a man as Thanksgiving is for a turkey. If you aren't careful, you just might lose your giblets.

What I mean by that is that the expectations placed upon a man to get Valentine's Day "right" are much greater than those on a woman. A man is expected to buy his wife chocolate or jewelry or flowers or all of the above.

The wife? All she has to do is show up.

Hopefully naked.

Preferably awake.

A perfect example of this inequity can be found by looking at Valentine's Day gift suggestions for men at gifts.com. Here are a few of the gems on the list:

• A tie (please, ladies...no ties).
• Annual subscription to the Pickle of the Month Club (are there even twelve different kinds of pickles?).
• The World's Largest Gummy Worm (and that is NOT a euphemism for an enhancement product).

So guys, all these expectations may have you feeling pressure leading up to Valentine's Day. Just like Ted "Theodore" Logan and Bill S. Preston, Esquire felt the pressure to pass their history final. Fail the final and Ted goes to military school and there is no Wyld Stallyns music to bring the universe into harmony. (By the way, two blog posts and two Keanu references. To quote Mr. Reeves, "whoooooa"). Your problem is you have no dude named Rufus traveling through time in a phone booth to guide you. Well, let me be your "Rufus" (sans phone booth).

Tip #1 - Too Late for Love: If you are doing your Valentine's

shopping at 6PM on February 14 at the Circle K, there will be more than "strange things afoot". There will be a foot in a high heel implanted in your backside. Don't be in the scrum of losers at the Kroger floral department fighting over the last wilted arrangement of tulips. Plan ahead…at least a little.

Tip #2 - Avoid the Self-Inflicted Wounds: If the only day a year you give your wife flowers is Valentine's Day, you are looking at $80. Let me do that currency conversion for you. Ten six-packs. Almost two full tanks of gas. Lunch for two weeks. Buying a big bouquet on Valentine's Day is for suckers and if you want to avoid that kind of punch to the coin purse then you need to bring your wife flowers more often than once a year. It may be too late for this strategery this year, but now you can plan ahead for next year. Sam's and Costco have a nice selection and proflowers.com has good deals at least 364 days a year. (Does anybody know how I can get a commission or product placement endorsement here?)

Tip #3 – Don't Forget to Wind Your Watch.

Tip #4 – Put the Greeting Card Back in the Rack and Slowly Walk Away: I hate buying greeting cards. You pay $5 for something a stranger wrote (and doesn't even have enough pride in their work to add a by-line to it). You give the card to your wife and it becomes obsolete as fast as the latest product from Apple (I don't guess the I-phone 8G will be in my mailbox anytime soon). You don't have to be Bill Shakespeare to compose your own love letters. A few simple hand-written notes for your wife hidden where she'll find them throughout the day is a can't miss hit she'll be sure to remember on Valentine's Day.

Tip #5 – To Lingerie or Not to Lingerie?: The "one and done" lingerie gift may not be your best option. First, you endure the awkwardness of shopping in Victoria's Secret (a topic for future blog to be sure). After five minutes on, it's tossed to the floor and then later crammed in the back of a drawer never to be seen again. If you do choose the lingerie route, stay classy San Diego. The wife probably won't appreciate something that would have been deemed inappropriate for a chick in a Duran Duran video.



Happy Valentine's Day to you and your "historic babe". Party on, dudes.