How to Write Haiku (Bad Poets Society) THIS is a Haiku

Do chicks really dig poetry? That is the question.

Since man could grunt or draw on cave walls, he has written poems for the cave woman of his dreams (hello, Barbara Bach). Every straight man that ever wrote a poem did so to either woo (do the kids still say "woo" these days?) or impress a girl. Even Joyce Kilmer when he wrote "I think that I shall never see, A poem lovely as a tree" at least part of his motivation was that a woman would think he was clever. Or profound. Or smart. Or (by some stretch of the imagination) sexy.

I know what you are thinking and, no, Joyce Kilmer is not a girl. Joyce is a dude. I looked it up to make sure.

I know what else you are thinking. This is a famous poem and all he is doing is rhyming "see" and "tree"? Even with a name like "Joyce" and such lame rhyming skills, Kilmer still had a successful marriage.

While Joyce was sliding by on a lame vocabulary and no thesaurus on his bookshelf, another poet we can learn from was simply trying too hard…Barney Fife. Whether he was rocking the salt and pepper suit (which was just right for dipping), hunting down Earnest T. Bass or writing a poem, Barney, like the rest of us dudes, was just trying to impress a girl. Most of the time his girlfriend was Thelma Lou, however, when they were on the outs (now I know the kids still say "on the outs") he would turn his attention to Juanita (down at the diner). This was the first stanza to a poem he wrote to her:

Juanita, Juanita,
Lovely, dear Juanita,
From your head down to your feet,
There's nothing half so sweet,
As Juanita, Juanita, Juanit.

 This poem is very bad on a number of levels, but you have to give him credit: he figured out how to rhyme something with Juanita (which reminds me of "Mulva" for you Seinfeld fans out there). And rhyming something with Juanita (or some form, thereof) is a heck of lot harder than trying to find a word to rhyme with "see"! Even this bad poem earned him a date with the focus of his affection, Juanita (down at the diner).

So, the answer to our initial question has to be: Yes, chicks must really dig poetry. And I'm going to help you learn how to be poet laureate to your lady (I think "laureate" is French for "love muffin").

If you are not already a classically trained poet, trying to learn complex poetic styles like sonnets, iambic pentameter or holistic odometer at this point may be impossible. Guys, show of hands: how many of you have ever written or read a poem to your wife? And, no, reciting a verse you read while in a men's room stall does not count. Even though you may be a rookie in this regard, I can provide you with three poetic options to astonish the love of your life (and, of course, Keep a Happy Wife).

First, let's consider the limerick. It is a very simple form of poetry so that is a plus for the amateur. However, I think it is an Irish law that a limerick must be dirty. So, if your wife is the type that bought "The Hangover" on Blu-Ray and, as a teenager, had a poster of Andrew "Dice" Clay on her wall, then the limerick may be for you. If you are unfamiliar with how to write a limerick, go back to that bathroom stall mentioned above.

Moving on now to beatnik poetry. We have lots of great examples of this. Most every 1960s sitcom had beatnik poetry featured in at least one episode. Herman Munster and Jethro Bodine (just to name a few) both went through a phase of being a beatnik poet. This form of poetry was re-popularized by Mike Myers in the very under-rated movie, "So I Married an Axe Murderer". One big plus to this poetic style is that it is typically free form. So you don't have to conform to the Rules of the Man, man. The minuses outweigh the positive in that you have to wear black turtle necks all the time, learn to play the bongos and bathe less often. While your wife may be able to get past the turtlenecks and the bongo playing, the B.O. will not help you impress her at all.

Finally, let's look at the Haiku. This is the perfect poetic style for the inexperienced poet in all of us. It combines the best of the limerick and beatnik poetry. It has the structure of the limerick (so you know how many words to use and when you are done) but it doesn't have to be R-rated. Like beatnik poetry, the Haiku doesn't have to rhyme, but you still get to use soap. In short, the Haiku is perfect: 5 syllables, followed by 7 syllables, followed by 5 syllables. Good work, kid.  Hit the showers.

Now, let's write a haiku together. The Wife's birthday is this Sunday, so we can write a birthday haiku to her right here. First we start with five syllables.

This haiku's for you.

Now we go with seven syllables:

It's cheaper than a Hallmark

Now back to five syllables:

Happy birthday, dear

Feel free to use that one to impress your own girl, fellas. You're welcome.

Editor's note: Joyce Kilmer was a man of great faith and died serving his country during World War I.  Hopefully, the heirs to the Kilmer estate have a sense of humor.

You’re Such a Hottie, Schmoopie!

If you've ever surfed Al Gore's internet to MSN.com, then you've seen some of the pop culture articles they have on their home page. Things like "One Man's Addiction to Maple Syrup", "Senior Citizens Rank Their Favorite Condiments" or "Craisins: Friend or Foe?". One such recent article was announcing "America's Hottest Husband for 2011". Redbook magazine has an annual contest where wives submit a photo and an essay on why their hubby should be proclaimed as "America's Hottest". I decided to give it a read to see just how far away I am from my "hotness" being a tool to Keep a Happy Wife.

The Redbook contest presented 25 finalists and one "hottest husband". What I found was that they were all very fit (strike one), good looking (strike two) and all but two were younger than me (I never got the bat off my shoulder). Upon further scrutiny, however, the credentials of many of the finalists were somewhat flawed (This section of the blog post could also be referred to as "Bitter and Jealous" or "All Good Looking Men Are Gay").

First, 16 of these finalists had been married less than five years. Five years? Really? You've barely had a chance to put some quality time into a pot belly or allow your hair line to retreat like the French army. At five years you are definitely married, but you haven't really figured out how to "husband" yet. Get a few more years under your belt (or a few more pounds over it) and then you'll be more qualified as an experienced "husband".  And then let's see how "hot" your wife thinks you are. One such finalist had been married only three months. Seriously?  Here's how that conversation goes:
Wife: "How long have we been married, schmoopie?"
Husband: "I don't know schmoopie, but it's time to change the oil in the Mini-Cooper".
Wife: "You are such a hot husband, schmoopie".

Second, some of these guys seem to spend way too much time on their hair. Way too much. They look like they stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch ad or an episode of 90210. Don't they know that the guy with the coolest hair was Fonzie and he never combed his hair (he wasn't a husband either, but that's beside the point).

Partly because of the hair and partly because of their "boy band wardrobe" some of them appear to be – shall we say – big fans of Liberace. Not to make snap judgments based on appearance (ok, maybe I am) but is a man considered "hot" if he is "pretty"? I will never be confused with being "ruggedly handsome" or "camera friendly" but I'm no "pretty boy", either.

I will give credit where credit is due, however. From their bios, most of the finalists seem like good guys that love their wives. Of course, they wouldn't even be nominated if the focus of the essay was on ear hair, snoring or stinking up the bathroom. There was one finalist who had been married 19 years, had 9 kids and was in the Army. How did he not win? I guess he doesn't look enough like Derek Zoolander.

To give equal time, I Googled "hottest wife in America". To have opened some of the sites returned by that keyword search would have either required a credit card number or polluted my computer with countless viruses. Many of the sites focused on WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) of professional athletes. We get it. Tom Brady is married to Giselle. He also puts too much effort into his hair.

One site that I did find that seemed safe (and funny) related to the Hottest Presidential Wives and Mistresses. Surprisingly, the wives of Taft, Coolidge and John Adams all made the list. Not surprisingly, the top five on the list were all associated with JFK. Despite his many (alleged) dalliances, Bill Clinton only had one of his women on the list (not Hillary, but Gennifer Flowers).

Wives out there, if you choose to nominate your husbands for "Hottest Husband in America", here is the link for the 2012 contest. Perhaps if the Wife submits this photo with a nomination, I'll have a chance.

What Could Be More American Than Doing Yard Work? Not Loverboy.

Just a quick post today folks as you head into the weekend everybody's been working for (Try not to go off the deep end. If you do you'll need a second chance. Oh.). Let's talk about yard work. I love yard work. Mowing. Mulching. Trimming. It's something of a passion of mine. Oh. Wait…No it's not.

I have a tough time enjoying an activity that is commonly assigned to inmates during their stretch in the county lockup. When was the last time you had this conversation with your wife?

You: "Hey, honey, do you want to go to the movies tonight?"
Wife: "No way. Let's go down in the basement and bang out a few license plates".
You: "Brilliant idea! That sounds like much more fun. While we're at it, let's put on our orange jump suits and pick up trash along the highway".

Unless "bang out a few license plates" is a euphemism for something else, you have never had that conversation in your life. So, forgive me if I don't enjoy yard work. (Also, forgive me if you don't like reading something that looks like a play – you know, like Bill Shakespeare. I've got a couple sections in here tonight that are written that way. It wasn't planned. It just happened. It ain't "to be or not to be", but it's better than any skit Anthony Michael Hall was in on Saturday Night Live).

Despite my best instincts to the contrary, yard work was done this evening and I wasn't "loving every minute of it". We bought mulch a few months ago but didn't get any of it out until tonight. Between rain, baseball, tennis and countless other excuses (legitimate and otherwise) it was a chore that remained undone for far too long. I had to start working this item off the list to Keep A Happy Wife.

It was hot. Hot as a Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover. And to keep with the Loverboy theme…The Kid Is Hot Tonite. (By the way, Loverboy was on the "American Summer Concert Series" today on Fox & Friends. Do they realize that Loverboy is not from America? They are Canadian. Who's on next week? Men at Work? Ah-ha?)

To those who do lawn maintenance and landscaping as a profession, I mean no disrespect by my loathing of yard work. If you do this work every day and you do it well, then my sweat-soaked hat is off to you. First, it is hard work and that is an honorable thing. Second, the yard maintenance profession is full of entrepreneurs. Warren Buffet, General Electric and Time Warner aren't doing leveraged buy-outs of lawn mowing conglomerates. I bet Ted Turner doesn't even mow his own yard (Is he even still alive? I don't remember and I'm too tired to Wiki it). An industry composed entirely of entrepreneurs is to be saluted. Ain't that America? (Although, many in that industry, like Loverboy, aren't from America…but that is America, too.).

So…where was I? Oh, yeah. It was hot. While all of the mulch didn't get out (we had 50 bags), the front yard is done and that is a good dent in it. Good enough to impress the Wife a bit and ease my guilt over playing golf tomorrow and then going to the track afterwards (By the way, Belmont picks are in the Triple Take on Sports section).

If you plan on putting out mulch anytime soon (and if you are sane, you've already had it done for months), I've put together a list of Mulching Pit Falls to avoid and make this cruel and unusual task a bit more bearable.


  1. Mulch Foot: This is a condition where you dump a bag of much on your foot getting mulch all in your shoe and sock. If you find yourself with a case of "Mulch Feet" you should just quit and go back inside (but take off your shoes before you go in the house).



Moments before crashing next door.



2. Left Eye Blind: No, this isn't a new alternative rock band. This occurs when sweat drips down your forehead and into your left eye. I don't seem to have that much trouble with my right eye. Your results may vary.

3. Wilbur Wright: A "Wilbur Wright" is when a breeze kicks up and carries an empty bag of mulch into the neighbor's yard. It's called a "Willbur Wright" because the bag goes about as far as the Wright Brothers first flight went (and Wilbur was the pilot). Plus you couldn't call something this annoying an "Orville Wright". He was the cool Wright brother. Chicks dug Orville.

Chick at bar: "So, your name is Orville. Just like that popcorn guy".
Orville: "Yes, it is".
Chick at bar: "Well, what do you do Orville? Do you make popcorn, too"?
Orville: "Oh, never mind what I do. Let's talk about you. So tell me….what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this".
Wilbur (interrupts): "We make bicycles. We are going to make a bicycle fly".
Chick at bar: "Make a bicycle fly? Who do you guys think you are? E.T."?
Ironically, Wilbur was a terrible wingman.

4. Rake Face: This is pretty much what it sounds like. Try not to hit yourself in the face with a rake. It will leave a mark and stings significantly more than Left Eye Blind and is more difficult to treat (and explain) than Mulch Foot.

5. Stroke: This, too, is pretty much what it sounds like. Don't have a stroke. Did I mention it was hot out? I don't think I had a stroke. Of course, I may be typing a blog that reads like I tried to transcribe the lyrics as sung on an R.E.M. album and just not realize it.

Enough for yard work. Enjoy your weekend. If you play your cards right, maybe you'll get to "bang out a few license plates" (wink, wink – or as the 1981 Loverboy album would say "get lucky").

Fun with Graffiti, Bad Harrison Ford Movies and What Happened to That Other Guy from Wham!

Graffiti has been a popular communication tool for the Wife and me for many years. I'll explain more later, but it's important to understand the history of graffiti before we get into that. (It really isn't important to my point to understand the history of graffiti, but let's do it any way just for kicks). Graffiti was first noted to be used by cavemen 30,000 years ago. I wasn't around then.

The Mayans, Egyptians, as well as Ancient Greeks and Romans used graffiti, too. I wasn't around then either.

I remember as a kid that my dad would draw Kilroy for me. (That is what passed as entertainment before the days of Xbox, cable television and Al Gore's Internet.) Kilroy wasn't difficult to draw, but my dad was pretty good at doing sketches, anyway. He just drew Kilroy a lot because I was amused by the character's enormous nose. For those of you that don't know, Kilroy was a common graffito during World War II. (I wasn't around for World War II either).

The first successful film directed by George Lucas was "American Graffiti". While this film had a deep and interesting cast, it was Lucas's casting of his carpenter, Harrison Ford, which was most significant. Had Ford not been in "American Graffiti" he may still be a carpenter to this day depriving us of films such as "Six Days and Seven Nights", "Hollywood Homicide" and "Morning Glory". ("Morning Glory"? Really? Han Solo must have been rolling over in his frozen block of carbonite.) Harrison Ford is very old so he may have seen the graffiti used by Ancient Greeks and Romans or perhaps he did in an Indiana Jones movie.

"I like Eric Clapner"

"Physical Graffiti" is Led Zeppelin's best album (and top ten rock album of all time, too). One of the most popular pieces of graffiti was also associated with rock-n-roll culture when the phrase "Clapton is God" was drawn on walls throughout England in 1967. While Eric Clapton (or as Bill Clinton's Surgeon General, Jocelyn Elders called him "Eric Clapner") is an amazing guitarist, the solo in "White Room" still isn't good enough to part the Red Sea or heal a leper (Heal the deaf? Maybe.)

You may ask, "Do you have any more interesting facts on graffiti, Keep a Happy Wife Guy?" You betcha! I'm just getting warmed up.
Graffiti was re-popularized in the 1980s partly through the music video to Blondie's song "Rapture". The video is pretty cool, but I don't understand why a man from mars would want to eat all the cars. The dude dancing around in the white tux, top hat and tails kinda freaks me out a little too.

Graffiti was also partially involved in the launching the acting career of another box office legend, Will Smith. Graffiti is a prominent feature in the opening credits to "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" television program. I have two questions about this. First, why do my kids like this show? It was off the air when the Tall One was two years old and long before the Short One was born. I suppose if TBS keeps shoveling it to us and telling us it's "Very Funny", then we'll eventually believe it to be true. Second, what happened to DJ Jazzy Jeff? Is he hiding away in some secret lair with Andrew Ridgley and John Oates plotting how to become Vice President? Enquiring minds want to know!

What does any of this have to do with The Wife and Keeping Her Happy? Well, apart from the fact that she likes Harrison Ford…not much. However, as I mentioned earlier, graffiti is a common communication tool for us. No, you won't see the walls of our living room covered with spray-painted expressions of love for one another. If you go in our bathroom, however, you will see writing ("graffiti") all over the mirror.

Our bathroom mirror is pretty big. It spans a double vanity and is about "so-long" by about "this-tall". We keep a blue dry erase marker in the top drawer that we use for our "graffiti". We use the graffiti for practical things like reminding ourselves or each other of important events on our schedule. A lot of the mirror space is used to post scriptures. It is not uncommon to have two or three Bible verses written out on the mirror that are relevant to things going on in our lives at the moment. You could also write out on your mirror famous quotations or, perhaps, lyrics from your favorite Eric Clapner songs.

Just gave The Wife flowers!

The fun part of the graffiti mirror is the romantic stuff. In some ways it works like the post-it notes I described in an earlier blog post. It's a way to leave love notes to The Wife where I know she'll find them. Small, but effective reminders of how much you love her. The graffiti also works well at planning a date night or a "date night" (wink, wink). So for two bucks you can buy a marker and get to work on that bathroom mirror. A pretty inexpensive way to Keep a Happy Wife.