BREAKING NEWS: Men And Women Are Different!

Saddam Hussein Captured…that’s breaking news.

Neil Steps On Moon…is worthy of a headline.

Hillary Clinton Adopts Alien Baby…would be newsworthy if true (thanks, Weekly World News).

Men and Women Are Different…that should not be news to anybody.  Yet, a scientific study was just published proclaiming this as if it were some sort of breakthrough.

This may sound like a no-brainer but since a study published in 2005, the scientific community has been going under the assumption that men and women are more alike than different.  No wonder those in the scientific community don’t date much.  Bazinga!

This recent study published by Plos One (and linked here) revealed the results of a questionnaire given to over 10,000 Americans.  It tested 15 personality traits and there were significant differences in many of the areas tested. 

The largest differences were in the areas of Sensitivity and Warmth, with women displaying these traits more than men.  Much, much more than men.  Way much more than men.  Is “morer” a word? 

The most notable traits exhibited more by men than women were in the areas of Emotional Stability, Rules Consciousness and Dominance.  Guys, grunt once if you agree.  I guess Tim Allen and Home Improvement had it right. 

While it is silly to think these differences apply in the same way in every situation and in every relationship, it is even sillier (I know that is a word) to think that differences between men and women are insignificant or, more sillierer (spell check, please) to think they don’t exist at all.  Let me give a couple of examples of how recognizing these differences can be useful to both men and women.

Practical Application #1
In the movie The Break-up, the dopey Vince Vaughn plays Gary, boyfriend to Brooke, played by the lovely Jennifer Aniston.  In one scene Brooke is doing the dishes and has asked Gary to help:

Gary: Fine I’ll do the dishes.

Brooke: I don’t want you to do the dishes.  I want you to want to do the dishes.

Gary: Why would I want to do the dishes?

Gary is scoring a ZERO on the sensitivity scale, but Brooke isn’t helping herself either.  (Poor Jennifer Aniston...No wonder she can’t find true love). Ladies, even the most sensitive men are not going to always be the guy that “wants to do the dishes”.  If what you want is to get the dishes done, then say it.  If what you want is to want us to do the dishes, then that will require some patience and training.  It may not be fair, but it’s true.

If, ladies, you catch us doing something sensitive and considerate pat our heads and give us a treat!  Or just have sex with us…and give us a treat.  Either way you’ve rewarded a behavior you want repeated.  And while we aren’t always as smart as we should be, we aren’t stupid either.  We can do that math (which we are better at than women anyway, by the way). If we do something and get positive reinforcement, just like your golden retriever, we'll do it again.

Practical Application #2
Being the dominant, rule-conscious beings that we are, men like to fix problems.  If something is wrong, we think you want us to develop a plan to make it right.  What I’ve learned is “making it right” isn’t always the point.  When The Wife is talking to me about a problem that’s come up on a board or project she may be working on, I step into a phone booth, don my cape and become Problem Solver Man.  There are two problems with that.  First, there aren’t phone booths any more.   Second, The Wife never lit the night sky with the Problem Solver Man Signal.  She just wanted to talk with her husband about her day.  She never asked “what do you think I should do?”.  Emotional intelligence is kryptonite to Problem Solver Man.  Sometimes all we need to do is listen.  Listen and respond with something more than a grunt and a little less than “well, here’s what you need to do”. 

So, what did we learn today?  I’m hoping nobody learned just today that men and women are different.  What I think we’ve learned is that we need to be conscious that those differences exist when we relate to each other. We can focus on first trying to understand our spouses in light of those differences rather than focusing on getting them to understand us and ignoring those differences.  Oh, we also learned that I need to buy a cape...and a mask.  Definitely, a cape and a mask.

Sweet Fancy Moses! It's The Christmas Gift Buying Guide!

We all think we are good at something.  Sometimes, we truly are.  Like Colonel Sanders at cooking chicken, Tim Tebow at “Tebowing” or William Shakespeare at writing commercial jingles.  Other times, we are deeply convinced we are good at something when, in a reality plain to everyone else, we suck.  You know, how Elaine believed she could dance or Ashlee Simpson thought she could sing. 

Gift giving is my thing.  In my heart I think I’m Santa Claus.  However, I hope I’m really not just a “dry heave set to music”.  With that in mind, here is The Keep A Happy Wife Christmas Gift Buying Guide or KAHWCGBG for short (although that is not very short).

Plan Ahead: This is a recurring Keep A Happy Wife theme.  Use that smart phone for more than checking football scores and playing Words with Friends against Alec Baldwin.  Throughout the year, When The Wife mentions liking something on a commercial, I’ll add it to a note on my phone.  If she sees something in a store, I’ll wait until she’s not looking and snap a photo of it.  By the time you get to Christmas, the list is done. If, however, you are reading this now and have not already bought a gift for your wife, then it may be too late for “plan ahead”.  However, this is also “harvest season” for gift ideas.  Follow her around the mall for awhile, see what she picks up and says “ooh, I like that”.  For the dense among us, that is your clue. 

Lingerie: Let’s be honest. When a man is buying gifts for his wife, the temptation is always there to make lingerie a part of the equation.  We have a tradition in our marriage, where I buy The Wife pajamas every Christmas that she can open and wear on Christmas Eve.  These are normal person pajamas and are not inspired by the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  Beyond that example, the lingerie rules discussed in this link should be considered.  One other thing, you don’t really want to spend Christmas Day having “the talk” with your 8-year old because they saw mommy opening a present from you.  

The Event Gift: One of my favorite gifts to give is “The Event Gift”.  No, that is not the DVD of the complete first (and only) season of the horrible TV show called “The Event”.  The Event Gift is a trip or theater or concert tickets.  It is not a Fandango gift card or tickets to “the gun show” (stop flexing, brother).   The Event Gift is like two, two, two gifts in one.  It is a gift on Christmas morning (and if you chose well, then it will be the hit gift of the Holiday Season) but it is also a gift at the time of the event itself.  What a value!  Plus, it is an opportunity to spend time with The Wife and make some memories (that’s not an intentional euphemism, but if it applies…so be it). If your spouse is a “quality time” person, then this may be a good gift route for you to take, too.  The Event Gift has been a real success with The Wife.  This blog post and this one about last Christmas’ event gift is a good example of that.

Gift Receipt: If you remember nothing else from this blog, remember this: Always ask for a gift receipt.  It only took a couple of Christmases of hearing “I love it.  Did you keep the receipt?” to figure that one out.  Of course, you can’t get a gift receipt for an “Event Gift” or a personally engraved Flava Flav watch-necklace…so be careful there.  Including the gift receipt in the box avoids the awkward request from The Wife for it and tells her “I really tried to find you something you’d love, but in case I “pulled an Elaine” on this one take it back and get something you want”.  Who knew a receipt could be so chatty?

Say It: Christmas shopping can be a pain the gluteus, especially for us dudes.  It can drain your Christmas Cheer faster than being middle aged can lower your testosterone levels (at least what they say on TV).  So to keep it up – the Christmas Cheer, that is – say “Merry Christmas”.  To less-than-helpful sales clerks, to self-absorbed shoppers, to parking-space-stealing buttheads…say “Merry Christmas”.  It will help you keep the Christmas Cheer for yourself and spread it to others as well.  Or you could just take Elf’s advice and sing “loudly for all to hear”. 

For more gift buying tips (What Not To Do), see the Review, Previews and Insightful Commentary section of this blog! 

May all the gifts you give this year be "finger-lickin' good".

From myself, The Wife, The Tall One and The Short One: Merry Christmas to you and yours! 

Half A Lifetime

I think it was Abraham Lincoln who said “Statistics are like a bikini.  What they reveal is suggestive.  What they conceal is vital.”  That’s not really relevant, but I liked the quote.  Any time you can mis-attribute a quote to Lincoln and mention “bikini” in the same sentence…well that is a great way to start a blog post. 

Statistics is not the subject today, but I have some interesting stats about the way we spend our time in life. 

• The average person lives 77 years.  28,000 days.  670,000 hours.  40,000,000 minutes.
• A total of 23 years of that time, we are asleep.  If that’s the case, all need to have better dreams.
• 12 years are spent working.
• 3 years are spent eating.
• 6 months are spent on the toilet, though your mileage may vary.
• 10 years are spent talking – women maybe more, men maybe less.
• 3 years are spent waiting on something – women maybe less, men maybe more (waiting on women).
• 1 year, on average, is spent praying.
• 2 years are spent on the phone.

I’m a man.  I’m forty…four.  Twenty-two years ago today The Wife and I were married.  Half of my life I have been married.  What have any of us done for half of our lives?  Besides the things you learned before you were five (feed yourself, go boom-boom in the potty, read, etc.) what have you done for half of your life? 

I do not remember not being married.  I don’t mean that I have no memories before November 18, 1989.  I mean I don’t remember what it is like to not be married.  And that’s a good thing.

I remember what it was like not having cell phones and personal computers - we used a home phone, we had conversations with people, wrote letters to friends and used an encyclopedia (Who was the last encyclopedia salesman you knew?  Fonzie?).

I remember when the local paper was the primary source of news – we’ve now gone from under-informed to information overload. 

I remember when every other movie wasn’t a sequel, a remake or gimmicked into being 3D – yes, you had to have an idea to make a movie.

I remember when TV commercials didn’t show models in their underwear – I won’t comment further on grounds of self-incrimination.

I do not remember not being married, though.  And that’s a good thing (at least I think it’s still a good thing.  The Wife gets the underwear model thing is a joke, right?)

Our first meal together as a married couple, The Wife and I ate a Wendy’s in Chattanooga as we were driving to Disney World for our honeymoon.  Tonight we’ll celebrate our anniversary in a dining room at Churchill Downs.

Since being married, we have lived at 8 different addresses and 5 different cities.  We have actually lived in Louisville longer than any other place. 

We have two kids and I don’t remember not having them around either.  That, too, is a good thing.  The Tall One showed up nearly 18 years ago and The Short One a little more than 13 years ago.  Forty percent of my life as a parent?  Seems longer.

Wherever we have lived and whatever challenges we have faced and changes we’ve ridden through…I have been blessed.  Abraham Lincoln once said: “Happy wife…happy life”.  If that is a true saying, then The Wife must be one ecstatic woman. Happy anniversary, honey.

Love, Regret & the Worst Commercial Ever

Bad television commercials are plentiful.  As plentiful as sand in the Sahara, losing lotto tickets or dropped calls by AT&T.  Speaking of AT&T...your personal least favorite commercial may be the Head On! commercial, or the Hardee’s commercial where the lady puts her fist in her mouth or the creepy Burger King ads where you wake up to find the king in bed with you.  You can take all of those, toss in every erectile dysfunction ad, feminine protection commercial and political campaign spot and there is no commercial worse than this one.

This commercial deals with a husband excitedly telling his wife about getting unlimited mobile-to-mobile minutes. The wife is disgusted that he did this without discussing it with her and mumbles her regret: “My mother was right.  I should have married John Clark”.  The husband, crushed by his shrew of a wife, replies “It was free”.  What was edited out of the ad was the expletive that should have followed, as in: “It was free, B*@#!”. 

To address the commercial itself, I don’t know what AT&T was thinking.  To begin with, it doesn’t project a good image for the company – you’re a cell phone company, AT&T, you need all the image help you can get.  The ad is about free mobile to mobile minutes, a program targeted to families, but the wife’s response is about as anti-family as you can get.  I suppose she could have said “I’m sleeping with John Clark.  He works for AT&T so I already have that feature”.  That would have been worse.

They have enough money to afford a large greenhouse.  A greenhouse?  Who has a greenhouse?  Yet, she’s goes nuclear (or as George W would say “noo-coo-lur”) over a cell phone plan.  Bottom line: Worst.  Commercial.  Ever.

What can we learn here?  First, the problem this whipped ol’ boy faces could have been solved had he heeded the wisdom in the Keep A Happy Wife Guys’ first blog post.  Choose the right spouse! 

Second, you can also choose your focus.  The “something else” always has the potential to look better to you if that is where you target your focus.  George Costanza obsessed over Marisa Tomei and put at risk his engagement with Susan.  In this case, the “something else” was better, so…bad example.  Anyway, normal life will prove my point to be still valid. 

Making a conscious effort to remember why you love your spouse will help keep the “something else” from creeping in.  The Greenhouse Harpy has clearly decided to romanticize about how her life would be better with John Clark rather than focusing on the positives of her life with her husband.  Am I suggesting you ignore problems in your marriage?  Of course not.  However, the focus of your life can’t be just the problems or the perceived short-comings.  That only leads to regret.  Regret leads to sadness.  Sadness leads to pain. Pain leads to b*@#!-ness.  I think Yoda said that.

Here’s a practical example of choosing your focus.  Recently, The Wife and I pulled out some old photos.  Many of these turned out to be from the late 80s – early 2000’s.  Photos old enough that I was skinny. We saw me go from clean shaven to full nappy beard to clean shave to bad stache to clean shaven to full beard to clean shaven again to goatee.  My purpose in this was not to reminisce about the history of facial hair, but was to see how our kids have grown up.  The Tall One being in his senior year in high school is starting to sink in (“What is this salty discharge?” – Jerry).  However, as we were digging through pictures it brought to mind many happy times that The Wife and I have shared.  Even back in the college days (where we went from her tolerating me to not wanting to have anything to do with me to loving me forever) and the early days of our marriage we could see good times and how we made it through some tough ones.  Different houses, different friends, different churches, different careers, different cities.  The constant was me and The Wife. 

Are there things I would do differently?  Absolutely.  There were some obviously poor fashion choices and I should have worked in a few more salads over the years.  Is there anything I regret?  Absolutely not. 

I feel like the guy with the radio voice should now say: “Life…what a beautiful choice”.

How Do You Roll?

Stevie Winwood sang “Roll With It”, Adele gave us “Rolling In The Deep” and Busta Rhymes told us “How We Roll” – and you only thought I knew songs that were at least 20 years old!  But the question today is: “How do you roll?”  Or more importantly, how does your wife want you to roll?

No I’m not talking about how to cope when life is too much, and certainly not regrettable relationships or criminal activity.  When I ask, “How Do You Roll?” I’m referring to toilet paper.  Specifically, are you an “Over-roller” or an “Under-roller”?

While this is more a “style points” issue (really, if you are in an emergency situation you’ll settle for finding someone who can spare a square) and it is certainly less critical than what side of the bed you choose, but a mixed marriage between an “Over-roller” and an “Under-roller” can create challenges.  Fortunately, The Wife and I are both “Over-Rollers”.  However, I can see how an argument can occur where a wife (but not The Wife) is listing a long list of grievances against her husband only to crescendo to “and you roll the toilet paper the wrong way!!!!”.  You know you’ve reached a pathetic point of frustration in your relationship when you’ve “kitchen sinked” an argument with toilet-paper-rolling.  (Or maybe you’ve just reached a point of moronic blogging when you choose this as a topic to write about).

If people are “Overs” or “Unders” it is ingrained like part of your DNA.  It’s like being a Republican or a Democrat, an I-phone or a Blackberry user, a Vegetarian or a normal person – you are typically one or the other – and if you are “one” you are not comfortable with “the other”.  If you are a lifetime “Over” and you encounter a roll that is “under”, it feels a bit like trying to write left-handed (assuming you’re a righty).  You just shake your head and wonder at the roll “What kind of people would do something like this?  I bet they don’t even eat chicken!”.

Other than the occasional “Under-roller”, there are two problems in the world of toilet paper these days.  First, is TMI: Too Much Information.  I’m not sure what bears have to do with toilet paper, but I am sure that if I were to actually take a walk in the woods I would not find a roll of toilet paper hung (over or under) on a low-level branch.  We don’t need to see images like this one.

The second problem is the packaging of toilet paper.  A convenient 96-roll pack is not convenient at all.  You should not have to load it in your car with a fork lift or buy a shed for your back yard to store it in.  You’ll likely be thinking as you balance the box-car sized package on your shopping cart: “Maybe I have too much fiber in my diet?”  Can we not have a reasonably-sized pack of toilet paper that doesn’t make you feel like you might need to use the product as you strain to lift it out of the trunk?

As you consider this topic in your marriage (and my hope for you is that this is the only problem you have to deal with) keep these things in mind.  Come to agreement on style.  Guys, if you need to concede to being an “under roller” ‘til death do you part in exchange for brand of ketchup or priority use of the remote…do it! 

Be well stocked.  Buying by the gross can help make sure you don’t run out.  However, that doesn’t always allow for convenient storage and access on demand.  You need to replenish inventory before you pluck the last roll from the backyard shed.

Do unto others.   This is even more important than rolling in the proper direction.  Nobody wants to find themselves needing to “complete their paperwork” and be staring at a cardboard tube. If you peel the roll perilously close to the core, whether rolled “over” or “under”, make sure a fresh roll is handy.  Don’t leave your spouse hanging (or in this case, “sitting”).  This is one more little but important tip to Keep a Happy Wife.

The Emmy's Are Tomorrow. I'll Be Watching Football.

The Emmy’s are tomorrow (Sunday) night.  I thought since I did a special blog for the Oscars I should do one for the Emmy’s.  Don’t count on seeing a blog dedicated to the Grammy’s.  I gave up on the Grammy’s when Starlight Vocal Band beat out Boston for best new artist in 1977 (I hold a grudge).  Don’t count on a blog for the Tony’s either, because I’m not gay.

The first category is “Best Show That’s No Longer a Show”.  The nominees are:

• Chase
• Friday Night Lights
• The Good Guys
• Human Target

The winner: Friday Night Lights.  It was a great show.  Eric and Tami Taylor (Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton) were one of the most honest portrayals of a married couple ever on TV.  Football was simply the backdrop for one of the best dramas in recent memory.  Human Target and Chase were solid dramas that had runs of two or three seasons.  The Good Guys was a very funny take on the “buddy cop” show.  Starring Bradley Whitford and Colin Hanks, it is worth watching its lone season on Netflix.

The next category is Funniest Show.  The nominees are:

• 30 Rock
• Modern Family
• Psych
• Raising Hope

The winner: Modern Family.  It is the best written show on TV since Cheers.  30 Rock is “rock” solid competition for it, but Modern Family is consistently funny every single episode.  Psych (USA) is a lot of fun for the family (and those of us who love references to the 80s).  Raising Hope is extremely clever in its own right.

Let’s look at Best Drama.  The nominees are:

• Castle
• Hawaii Five-O
• Justified
• The Mentalist

The winner: Justified.  As an FX network show, it has a bit more of an edge to it than these others.  As you might imagine, stories about a US Marshall trying to enforce law and order in Kentucky mining country can be more than a little rough and tumble.  It is well written in that the story lines are fresh and not telegraphed at all.  The Mentalist and Castle are both fun, out-of-the-ordinary crime dramas.  Hawaii Five-O was a pleasant surprise last year as it reinvented the late 1960s.

Shows Other People Like But I Don’t Really Get.  The nominees are:

• Glee
• Mad Men
• Numbers

The winner is Mad Men.  Mad Men has few (if any) likable characters.  The constant smoking and drinking by the characters is a worn-out inside joke.   It has a loyal fan base, however, and critics seem to love it – just not me.  Glee is a show I refuse to watch.  Quit letting questionably-talented no-names butcher good songs.  I don’t see how Numbers is still on the air.  How is a drama about a “Rain Man” kind of math savant of any interest to America?  What’s the story line here: The cops are out at dinner and need somebody to calculate the tip on the check so they call the Numbers Guy?  Again, I don’t get it.

Shows That Have Lasted Way Too Long.  The nominees are:

• Chuck
• 2 Broke Girls
• Every Reality Show

The winner is: Every Reality Show.  Whether it’s American Idol or Survivor or Big Brother or Hoarders -  get rid of them.  They are cheap to make and very profitable for the networks, but they are just played.  There is actually an Emmy category now for Best Reality TV Host.  These shows substitute another human’s real pain and anxiety for writing creativity.  Chuck has been on for 5 years now.  That is two or three too many.  It started out as a very witty and fun show.  Now it is just bad.  2 Broke Girls actually doesn’t start until this fall.  However, it looks just horrible.  Put it out of its misery before it inflicts any misery on the viewing public.

As I’ve thought about the Emmy’s, I cannot remember what the Emmy trophy looks like.  The Oscars are the gold statue dude.  The Grammy’s are the old phonograph.  The Tony’s are a guy in high heels with a feather boa.  But what are the Emmy’s?  At any rate, nothing quite as self-serving as TV people having a TV show where they give awards to other TV people. 

For my preview of the new show for this Fall, click here and scroll to the post on 9/7/11.

The Triple Take on Sports this post is dedicated to The Short One in honor of his birthday.

"Thank You": It's Like a Life Saver, but Not a Junior Mint

Seacrest, out.  Way out.

Get out your pencil and paper and let’s start out this post with a little quiz.  Stop groaning and whining or you’ll stay after school to clap erasers.  (OK…if you remember what “clap erasers” was, then raise your hand.  Judging from the response, I’ll need to increase the font size of my next post.  Perhaps I can sell ad space to Ensure).  Here is the quiz.  It is only one multiple choice question, so it is pass or fail.

What is the most important two-word phrase in the English language?

A. Party on.

B. I’m pregnant.

C. Seacrest, out.

D. Thank you.

I suppose a case could be made for any of the four (no fair writing in “E. All of the above”).  However, the correct response for most important two-word phrase in the English language is “D. Thank you.”  We could also say the German language (“Danke schoen”) but if I used that phrase then I’d have to pay royalties to Wayne Newton and I’m pretty sure he has mob ties.  Or we could say the Japanese Language (“Domo Arigato”) but that reminds me of the Styx song, ”Mr. Roboto” and I hate that song. 

Saying “thank you” is a fundamental part of our interactions in society.  When we stop saying “thank you” we are no better than cavemen, the Mongul hordes (which we learned from Bill and Ted were led by Ghengis Khan) or New Yorkers.  “Thank you” is also an essential part of your marriage vocabulary.  We’ll look at the importance of “thank you” in your daily life and in your quest to Keep a Happy Wife.

Please, Hammer, don't hurt 'em.

There are three categories of Thank You.  The lowest level of Thank You is the “Off Hand Thanks”.  It’s reserved for the clerk who hands you change or when your wife hands you a hammer while you repair a shelf.  In my case, it’s more when The Wife hands me a paper towel after I’ve spilled my Diet Mountain Dew.  I only use a hammer to open stubborn pistachio shells (that’s right, she’s a lucky Wife).  At any rate the “Off Hand Thanks” is an instinctive politeness.  Which is not a bad thing; it just doesn’t inspire much meaning or require much thought.

The mid-level of Thank You's is what I call the “Life Saver Thank You”.  That is the "Thank You" that, like the Life Saver is always appropriate, well…almost always.  There are very few times when a Life Saver (butter rum is my favorite) is inappropriate (unlike a Junior Mint).  You can have a Life Saver in church, at a funeral, during a business meeting…almost anytime.  You wouldn’t want one while you are in a dentist’s chair or singing an aria, but you get my point.  It is the kind of "Thank You" you give when someone gives you a wedding gift or cooks you dinner or congratulates you on successfully completing a complex high dive routine (never had that one).  When you give someone a Level Two “thank you”, they’ll know exactly why.  The key difference between the “Off Hand” and the “Life Saver” is the level of engagement between the “thanker” and “thankee”.  There is a higher degree of thought and purpose involved.

There is an old and hilarious Monty Python skit (aren’t they all “old” now and aren’t most of them hilarious still?) where one of the characters says in the dialogue “I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition”.  Suddenly, three men in red robes (the Spanish Inquisitors) burst in the room and exclaim “Nooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” This brings us to the Third Level of Thankfulness: The “Left Field Thank You”.  It’s called that because, just as nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, nobody expects this type of Thank You, either (because it came “out of left field”).  It is the “Thank You” you give or receive when there is no obvious reason at the moment as to why.  Nobody gave you change or handed you a hammer or gave you a roll of butter rum Life Savers, but you just told them “thank you”.  You’ve considered the character and the actions of someone important to you (friend, co-worker or spouse) and out of the blue (or out of left field) you thought to thank them.  At a moment when someone you care about wasn’t consciously thinking about anyone caring for them, you can touch their heart.

Do you see the power of those two little words?  Words that, oftentimes, are left behind like a coin at the “take a penny / leave a penny” tray.  However, when you apply pre-meditation and purpose to those words and add a bit of surprise (the chief weapon of the Spanish Inquisition) you can impact a relationship.  Try it today and see.  It can change perspectives.  It can create breakthroughs.  It can get you some sweet lovin’, too (Way to ruin the moment, huh?).

Keep A Happy Wife Guy…Out!

NFL predictions are here.
Preview of Fall TV Season is here.