Technical Difficulties and Al Qaeda

As I was composing the latest installment of "Keep A Happy Wife" I encountered what I first thought was just a minor technical difficulty. Microsoft Word crashed. It not only crashed. It crashed as I was saving (or I should say "attempting to save") the completed blog post. No worries (as the Aussies say). Microsoft automatically saves the document for just such a problem, right. Ummm….wrong. It was gone and could not be recovered. Then when I tried to search the web for a possible solution, I got this message:

So, naturally I came to the obvious conclusion as to the source of the problem...Al Qaeda.

You may think this is a stretch, so let me explain. I had noticed that my blog had received a couple of recent hits from Pakistan (you'd be surprised the global reach of a modest little blog like this). Obviously, these Pakistani readers felt cheated after reading this post as burqas don't come in the "short, tight and low-cut" variety. With sweet justice being delivered to bin Laden, these terrorists had to down-size their plots against the Western Devil and declare jihad on the Keep A Happy Wife Guy.

Once I was able to get Internet Explorer to work, a few searches and I found these other interesting plots of the post-Osama Al Qaeda.

• Replace the coffee in all Starbucks with Folger's Crystals.
• Sponsor the North American comeback tour for Right Said Fred.
• Launch the new hit reality show "Real Housewives of Abottabad".

As you can see, the terrorist mind never rests in finding perverse new ways to create havoc against our way of life. Stay vigilant, dear reader!

Regular programming will resume in this space next week.

Top Five Wife-Friendly Sporting Events

I am blessed among men. The Wife likes sports. There are times she is subjected to a sports overdose in our home and she simply tolerates it, but she is a lottery pick of a sports-wife. You see, not only does she tolerate sports and watch sports with me, she really understands what is going on. She may not break down a Cover 2, but she can explain the Infield Fly Rule.
This is not meant to be sexist: "women folk don't understand these macho sports". The reality is that varying levels of sports enthusiasm in a household can be a source of friction between an average husband and wife. Guys, if you find yourself in this situation there are ways to ease your wife into the sporting world. Ladies, if you are looking for the right opportunity to spend more time with your man and share an interest with him, then this blog post is for you. These are the five sports/sporting events that are the most "'wife-friendly".
#5 – A Sport Your Kids Play

Your wife may have a natural inclination to watch more of the sport that your children play. This works really well if junior or junior-ette plays basketball or baseball. Those are likely sports that YOU (as a guy) already like. Where it falls apart is if your kid is into swimming or soccer (might as well move to Europe). Nobody wants to watch those sports – not even when your kid is playing it. People that say they like soccer only say that because they think it makes them sound interesting and off-beat. They may also claim to watch PBS, smoke a pipe and own a Joan Baez album. At any rate…if you are fortunate enough for your young'un to play a sport you love, then this is a great sport for the wife and husband to take up together.
#4 – The Super Bowl
This one really shouldn't count as it is rather obvious. Even people who ask "What are those yellow flag poles doing on the end of the grassy area?" watch the Super Bowl. However, the hype, commercials, and half-time show make it an ideal event for a husband and his sport-ambivalent wife to enjoy together. The half-time show part doesn't help your case though when it is Janet Jackson (wardrobe malfunction) or The Black Eyed Peas (they just stunk). Even Elaine had "Super Bowl Fever" (and how could you de-gift a ticket to the Super Bowl?) so maybe your wife can get infected with it, too. A Super Bowl party also allows a wife to put her personal touch on the event as well.

#3 – NCAA Tournament
The NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, specifically, the first weekend of the tourney, is a perfect event for husband and wife to enjoy together in sporting matrimony. First, the tournament is always exciting. Close games, upsets and lots of action to watch can draw in even the most sports-adverse spouse. The Tournament also has the beauty of The Bracket. We all know of people winning tourney pools by making picks based on team colors or mascots. So, it doesn't require in-depth knowledge and study for a sports-novice wife to get a bracket in her hand and become a fanatic before a shot clock can expire. The surgeon general's warning on this one is: if you are dragging your wife unwillingly into the tournament, beware! There is A LOT of basketball on TV during the tournament. She may demand "equal time" and pull you from your plasma screen and to a home and garden show just before a big #5 vs. #12 match-up.
#2 – Back Nine at The Masters
If Martha Burke is in the news outside Magnolia Lane protesting Augusta National being an all-male club, you may not get your wife on board for this one. However, there are a lot of things that can be of interest to man and wife alike about the Masters. First, Augusta National is a beauty of a golf course. Camera shots of azaleas, dogwoods and hyper-manicured grounds can certainly generate some interest. Second, the back nine is exciting golf (I'm just saying the back nine, because there is no need to be greedy). Seven of the last ten Masters has been decided by two or fewer strokes. And, unlike the US Open, the golfers aren't grinding out pars, but are making bold shots at pins and carding lots of birdies and eagles. Finally, it is an opportunity to root against Tiger Woods and who doesn't enjoy that these days.
#1 – The Kentucky Derby

I read somewhere once that there are two sporting events where female viewers outnumber male viewers. I don't remember where I read it and can't find it now, but we'll go ahead and pretend that it is correct. One of those events is the Winter Olympics. The other is the Kentucky Derby.
There is a lot of appeal for the ladies to an event like the Derby. First (again, sounding sexist) is the fashion. Bold hats, sun dresses and trendy shoes abound and I hear the Wife critiquing them during the Derby telecast. Celebrity sightings may also be of interest, however, that means you must consider Kate Gosselin, Bobby Flay (also a horse owner) and Jerry O' Connell to be celebrities. The Derby also always has great storylines. This year there is a colt that has a 70-year old trainer and 50-year old jockey both of whom are getting their first ever horse in the Derby. Another colt's trainer had a heart transplant just three years ago.
There are a thousand different ways to pick a horse. A girl I know picked Giacomo to win in 2005 at 50-1 odds because she liked the colors of the jockey's silks. You can also pick by names. A popular name to go with this year? Pants on Fire. Or you can spend hours analyzing the race and then wonder how they heck a horse like Giacomo could possibly win. That is my method (this year's pick's are here, too).

Barbaro winning in 2006

Finally, they don't call it the Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports for nothing. The race is always highly-anticipated, full of excitement and some of the best athletes (human and equine) are on display. So, tomorrow make a date as a couple to watch the Derby. Tune in early so you can see an interview with "that guy who used to be on that show we watched once" get asked who his Derby pick is. I'm guessing that your pick of a horse because he looks like your high school gym teacher will be just as good.
On behalf of The Wife and myself, Happy Derby!

The Wife at me at last year's Derby

Royal Wedding Edition: An Open Letter to Prince William

Dear Prince,

I really loved your early work. Purple Rain was a great album. What was the deal with changing your name to a symbol?

Sorry, bet you get that a lot. Anyway, I'm guessing our wedding invitation got lost in the mail. I'm not sure what I'll do with a four-slice toaster engraved to you and the new Mrs. Royal Family. To be honest, I haven't really followed the British Monarchy since the American Revolution (no hard feelings, right?) so I'm not sure why your wedding is getting all this attention. Also, I have to admit that I didn't get up at 5:00 AM to watch your wedding, but I couldn't help but see a few parts of it as it was on almost every channel here in the States. However, I've seen a couple of other royal weddings in my day and yours seemed to go a lot smoother than those. Prince Akeem's wedding started out with that crazy "Queen to Be" song and then the whole thing got called off before the vows even started. Then there was Buttercup's marriage to Prince Humperdink. He rushed the ceremony to the "man and wife" part before she even said "I do". That whole wedding was inconceivable. So, congratulations to you and Kate for at least getting through the nuptials. But, seriously, look at these photos and you tell me which guy officiated your wedding and which one was in The Princess Bride. Is it some law that all British bishops or preachers or justices-of-the-peace look like this?  For the love of Harry Caray, trim an eyebrow once in a while.

As you know, Keep A Happy Wife is a world-wide phenomenon and has had nearly four dozen readers from the UK since the blog started in February. As an enterprising young man about to enter married life, I'm sure you are one of those 44 Brits who have read my stuff. However, if you've missed one or two posts, let me offer a little marital wisdom for you.

First, you looked a little nervous during the ceremony. Maybe you were uncomfortable being in front of a crowd or having your picture taken a lot today. However, if you are nervous about the wedding night and your dad didn't have "the talk" with you yet; don't be afraid to ask for advice. If you are looking for counsel from people in attendance at the wedding though, ask David Beckham and not Elton John.

Being a royal newlywed has to be a lot like being a newly married couple in a small town…everybody thinks they have a right to know your business. The only difference between the two being that your private problems get on magazine covers or tabloid TV shows and small town couples end up in the local paper's police blotter next to garage sale ads. (I do have to ask, what is it like to be checking out at the London Wal-Mart and see a picture of yourself and your girlfriend on all the magazine covers? It has to be kind of awkward when the lady in line behind you points out that it is you on all of those tabloids).

The best advice I could give you to deal with all the personal intrusions is to study the life of Sean Penn and do the opposite. Or you could just hire him as a body guard. With his reputation, nobody is gonna mess with you and he seems to have plenty of time on his hands…what's he really done anyway since Fast Times at Ridgemont High?

As I'm sure you read in my first blog post, the most important thing to have done at this point is to have chosen the right woman. From here, your wife is going to look for your unconditional devotion and support – there are no "Plan B's". No Camilla Parker-Bowles (maybe it's a British thing, but nobody over here understands that one at all). Even though you'll have spats about things like how her grilled cheese sandwiches aren't the same as your nanny made them, how you loaded the dishwasher the wrong way or why does your grandmother have to wear a hat THAT big ALL the time - don't let those little things give her any doubt that she is the one you will always love.

Best wishes and God's blessings to you and your bride. If you think of it, take the karaoke mic during the reception and sing "Kiss" – now that would be something worth putting on Entertainment Tonight.

Royally yours,

The Keep A Happy Wife Guy

Three Fundamentals to Dress Buying

A man can learn a lot from his pastor: Biblical truths, practical life lessons, etc. For several years while living in Tennessee our pastor was Pastor Eddie (not to be confused with Cousin Eddie). As a young married man I certainly learned a lot from Pastor Eddie. One thing that still stands out to this day would likely fall into the "practical life lesson" or "etc." categories. And that was how to buy a dress for your wife. The great wisdom he shared with me on this matter was the three fundamentals to buying the wife a dress: "short, tight and low-cut". Our wives got lots of dresses in those days and they looked great. This phrase became to us almost our rallying cry like "Wonder Twin powers activate!" or "All for one and one for all". However when we said "short, tight and low-cut" we didn't touch magic rings or cross swords, we would just high-five or grunt or say "amen".

Well last Saturday I took the Wife dress shopping for Easter. We wandered through Macy's for a while gathering up the first round of dresses for the Wife to try on. As I waited outside the dressing rooms I did a little people-watching (not to be confused with little-people watching "Hey was that Tattoo from Fantasy Island?"). Not surprisingly, only about of a third of the women in the store had husbands with them. What was surprising was most of the husbands didn't look suicidal being there – no comatose stares and no blinking "SOS" like a hostage, either. Another husband sat down next to me and I offered to him the keen observation "dress shopping for your wife, huh?". I expected a Bill Engvall "Here Your Sign" retort like "Nope. Shopping for me. She just tries 'em on 'cause we're the same size. Here's your sign". His response made it clear that he did not speak English and that he may be from Eastern Europe. I don't speak Eastern European, so I just gave him a thumbs-up and hoped that wasn't a vulgar gesture in Eastern Europe.

Just as I was fearing I had started an international incident the Wife came out to model the first dress, which brings us to a few rules to follow when dress shopping with the Wife. First, she will ask your opinion of the dress. Never say the dress looks bad. That is too easily misinterpreted that she looks bad. You like all the dresses – even if you don't. You just have to determine which one you like the best (or dislike the least). Second, if while making the initial pass through the store with the Wife you spot a dress that you like but don't think she'll go for, circle back to it while she's trying something else on and bring it back to her. She'll be in a rhythm at that point and will likely try on anything – well, almost anything (That a black leather dress can't be worn to Easter service is a matter of opinion, right?  What do you think Angelina Jolie wears to church?). Next, you need to have a clue on her size. If you pick something too small, you'll get a "you've got to be kidding" and if you go too big you're walking into a "so you think I'm that fat?". Finally, if you have no opinion whatsoever, you need to deduce what dress she likes best and decide to like that one, too. Saying things like "That's a nice color" or "Hmmm, it's tough to decide because you look pretty in that one, too" will prompt comments from her and you can then just follow along. You didn't have an opinion, but got credit for providing input.

At the end of the evening the Wife found a few dresses that she liked (and they were all nice colors that looked pretty on her). Using gift cards and coupons and secret handshakes, the Wife got three dresses and a jacket for about $17 (or something like that). While short, tight and low-cut may not make it on Easter Sunday, two out of three ain't bad! Pastor Eddie would be proud. (High five).



A Spring Break Adventure with The Wife

Spring Break 2011 is past us now. The Tall One had five baseball games scheduled during the week so we didn't travel at all. For those of you past the age of 21, Spring Break may not mean the same thing to you as it used to. But you've probably got some stories – some of which you'd rather not have anyone know about. I remember one Spring Break back in 1989….(this is where the harp music begins and the picture fades out to signify a flashback sequence, you know like on Wayne's World).

The Wife (actually she wasn't the "Wife" then, she was just the "Girlfriend") and I were leaders at our college in a group called Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship. For Spring Break 1989 the plan was to take a group from our chapter and join others at South Padre Island, Texas for a week and evangelize the spring-breakers. It was a bold idea anyway.

The Wife and I had both lived fairly sheltered lives growing up. I once gave her a hard time when she told me she went to a high school party where wine coolers were present - she didn't drink any, but they were there! (And we all know wine coolers are the devil). So, we were not prepared in the slightest for what we'd see that week.

It was 1989 and 2 Live Crew and Tone Loc were playing on every radio and cassette deck on the Island…except for ours. (That Amy Grant can rock though right?!). The first night there, we were told to walk up and down the beach to get familiar with the area. So we broke up into small teams and off we went with clear eyes and full hearts.

We spotted a festive gathering of people right away and closed in to see what was going on. Turns out this was something sort of like a beauty contest – Miss South Padre Island Spring Break 1989 or something. Turns out the emcee was not at all like Bert Parks, Mario Lopez or Bob Barker. Turns out this local disc-jockey-turned-emcee was actually dumping water on the contestants (okay, so maybe he was a little like Bob Barker). Turns out that these contestants didn't like wearing wet t-shirts at all (Vickie Vallencourt had to be on that stage). We quickly moved along with full eyes and jaws dropped.

As the week went on we looked for ways to minister to the fully-clothed amongst the Spring Breakers. We stumbled on the idea of cruising the strip (based on the last paragraph, let me rephrase that). We stumbled on the idea of cruising the main drag in our passenger van and helping lone drunks or abandoned dates find their way safely back to their hotel. The first guy we picked up nearly barfed all over the van, so it was christened "The Puke Mobile" (not quite the same as "The Mystery Machine", huh). Before we took on our next passenger, we stopped at a McDonald's and got a few dozen bags to use for "sickness containment".

We also learned that opening the van's sliding door and having two or three dudes ask one scared and inebriated female as she stumbled down the street if she wanted a ride was not really effective – especially since there had been abductions of college students in the area around that time. So after a few threats of mace to our guys in the van, we had the Wife and the other girls offer the rides.

While providing free transportation to drunks wasn't what we envisioned when the Wife and I went on the trip, it wasn't a total loss. Some of our passengers were just happy to have a safe ride back to their hotel (or, yes, in some cases to a bar down the street). Some were really scared, lost and needed the help. We had a chance to share the love of Christ with everyone we met in that van. We also had the chance to show them a bit of that love by giving them a condemnation-free ride in The Puke Mobile.

I doubt if any of our passengers would remember their ride with us back in Spring Break '89. I barely remember many of the details (other than Vickie Vallencourt and The Puke Mobile). But, I do remember The Wife and the group of people I was with were committed to finding some way to help people that week. There's a lesson there somewhere. I mean a lesson other than that our kids are never going on Spring Break.

Hearing God With Your Spouse

Good day, folks.  I've got a guest-post-bloggy-thing on a friend's blog today. Please follow the link to her site - God Speaks Today. Sandy is a great friend and, along with Cindy, was the biggest encouragement for me to start my own blog.  So be sure to look around her site while you are there, read some of her posts, check out her bio, rummage through her kitchen cabinets, etc.

The tabs on top of Keep A Happy Wife have been updated today, too.  I knew you were wondering.

Happy Masters Week, everyone.

Happy Thanksgiving??? Pass the Mac ‘n Cheese!

Let me begin by saying I want to offer a humble apology to the brilliant minds and exceptionally attractive people in the meteorological community. I greatly underestimated your power to not only predict, but control the weather to exact your revenge on smart-aleck bloggers. Since my last blog was posted ("Thoughts on Meteorology…") the temperature dropped 30 degrees in less than 48 hours and has been snowing. Do I need to offer up a bucket of chicken as a sacrifice like Cerrano (aka President David Palmer) did to Jobu in Major League ("Hey, bartender, Jobu needs a refill")?

No, I'm not talking about Thanksgiving because instead of a "March" we've been blessed (thank you, Storm Team) with a second "November" (sans fried turkey and football). I'm talking about Thanksgiving – specifically, being thankful - because…well, is there a bad time to be thankful? Plus, any loser can be thankful on Thanksgiving.

On Sunday, we missed church and had a family devotion time instead. (Just in case Reverend Al Green, Father Guido Sarducci or, more possibly, our own pastor is reading this…I am not advocating skipping church, but stuff happens). The devotion was quite simple. We read I Thessalonians 5:18 ("In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you") and then we all took some time and made a list of the things we are each thankful for (or "made a list of the things for which we are each thankful" for the grammar police out there). Whenever someone is asked that question, they tend to gravitate towards the higher concepts of their lives and we did some of that, too. As we each read our lists aloud all the expected items were accounted for: family, peace, God, work and friends were on every list in some form. The Tall One (that's the Wife's name for our older son) predictably included his girlfriend on his list. The Wife and I had her on our lists, too. I was thankful that she was a nice and godly young lady - which she is.  A very sweet girl. The Wife was thankful she was "not a ho". Same thing, right?

The Tall One also had his car on his list and lacrosse. Lacrosse? I didn't even know he liked lacrosse. He then clarified "THE CROSS". Oh, ok. I get it.

However, the list from The Short One (the Wife's name for – you guessed it - our younger son) may have been the most interesting. A 12-year old boy's list includes some of the higher concept things (peace, love, freedom and Jesus were all there) but some very basic things, too. Contact lenses (he just got them a couple of weeks ago), Xbox and mac 'n cheese were all on his list.

We discussed that it is important to be thankful towards others because, as the Tall One pointed out, it makes them feel good and appreciated. We also believed that expressing thanks to someone (aka the "thankee") acknowledges the importance of who they are to us. And, (whether the "thankee" be God or another person) it also reminds us (the "thanker") that we cannot exist, let alone thrive in this life, on our own.

My unscientific and scarcely researched conclusion is that as we get older we can easily enumerate the universally important "high concepts" for which we are thankful. We go there first because: one, we gain a better understanding of their importance as we mature; and, two, those are the things that we are supposed to put a list of things we are thankful for, right? However, losing a sense of thanksgiving about the "basic elements" of life (insert your version of "mac 'n cheese" here) implies that we not only may take it for granted, but that we no longer require the participation of God or any other "thankee" in the so-called little things of our lives.

So, while it is not Thanksgiving – actually, it may be Thanksgiving in Canada. They are on the metric calendar and I'm not good with the Metric to American conversions – where was I? Oh yeah…So while it is not Thanksgiving, take a moment to consider the "little things" in your life that you can be thankful for. Specifically, think of those things about your spouse that while they may not go unnoticed by you, they may not get mentioned often enough.

For the Wife, I am thankful that she doesn't cook meals that she knows I'll hate. I know that's not always easy on her, but I can't remember the last time there was a brussel sprout in our kitchen. I'm thankful that she plays golf. I know it's not the Wife's favorite thing, but she took up golf so she could spend time with me and the Boys. She made that become our "family sport". I'm also thankful for when the Wife dresses in the background color of this blog site. The Wife looks so good "someone should put her on a plate and sop her up with a biscuit" when she's in this color. (Seriously, there was a time when everything I bought her was this color). Finally, I'm thankful when the Wife wears boots. She can rock a pair of boots. So, for our anniversary the Wife may be getting a pair of light blue boots. Don't tell her though; I want it to be a surprise.

To you, dear reader, I leave you with the immortal words of Elvis Presley, "Thank you, thank you very much" or as Latka Gravas would say "Tenk you veddy much".