The Fantasy Football Wife - Part One

Really, really ridiculously good looking

I’m not going to bother explaining fantasy football here. If you don’t have an idea of what fantasy football is about then you’ve probably never heard of a computer either, you flunked out of the  Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, and you aren’t reading this blog anyway. 

If you play fantasy football and are any good at it, then you are fanatical about it.  Being “good” at fantasy football doesn’t always equate to winning your league(s) – though in my case it does.  What I mean by being “good” is that you care about it.  You are prepared.  You set a proper line-up each week.  You offer and accept fair and reasonable trades.  You are “good” at it because you are fanatical. 

The unfortunate side effect of this fanaticism is that it sometimes leads to what NASA scientists refer to as “Fantasy Football Widow Syndrome”.  Men seem to put their relationships in peril each fall because of their obsession with their fantasy teams.  It does not have to be that way, guys.  You can have your obsession and eat it, too (though I’m not really sure what that means).

In some cases, your wife (or girlfriend…hopefully you don’t have both) may like pro football and even play fantasy football.  A recent study showed that 14% of the owners of fantasy teams are women.  I have played in a league that not only had three women in the league, but one was even the commissioner.  (And, yes, The Wife had a team in that league, too.)  These women didn’t just play as a novelty act and they didn’t have teams as the result of some obscure section of Title IX.  They knew their stuff.  They were fanatical about it.  They were good at it. 

Now, don’t go and sign up your wife in a league and tell her the Keep A Happy Wife Guy said you should do it (Hey, honey.  You’ve got a team in my fantasy football league now.  Your team name is The Raging Laundry Baskets).  If you do that…you’re a dead man.  If you’re a dead man, you won’t be able to adjust your roster for bye weeks and you’ll likely miss the play-offs.

If you do suggest to your wife she join you in fantasy football, you’ve got to make sure it is a fit first.  You can do more damage than good if you are not careful here. First, not to sound sexist but…she has to have enough knowledge and interest in pro football to own her team.  If she doesn’t, she’ll get frustrated and the other owners in your league could likely lose patience with her AND you. 

Second, the league itself has to be a fit.  If you play with a group of guys who are so intense that they make Michael Douglas’ character in Falling Down look laid back, then you don’t want to subject your wife to that as her introduction into fantasy football.     

Finally, you need some ground rules.  If you are both in the same league then you can’t make trades with your wife.  Hopefully there is no one else in your league that could be accused of withholding sex from you if you didn’t trade her Drew Brees for Rex Grossman.  So, to keep the integrity of the league intact…no spouse-to-spouse trades.

A second rule would be that if she agrees to play, she has to put forth a full effort for the whole season.  If she wants to play so she can share an interest with you, then a 16 week commitment is required.  It can’t be like when I bought P90X, opened the box, counted the DVDs and put it back on my shelf.  If she is in…she’s in until the end of the year.

You would also want some rules about how much help you would give her, if any.  If she doesn’t want your help…don’t give it.   If you tell her to start Mike Sims-Walker and bench Braylon Edwards, you don’t want the wrath of the Raging Laundry Baskets on you when MSW takes a goose egg and Edwards decides this is the week he actually catches a pass in the end zone.  You may want to refer her to another friend to send her questions or show her websites that can help her with those kinds of questions.

I could go on about your wife taking the “if I can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” approach to fantasy football, but you should get the point by now. 

Know your wife.  Know your league.  Be careful to protect both (the wife more than the league…though your mileage may vary).

So what if your wife has no interest in fantasy football and maybe even hates it because it takes time away that you could be spending with her and the love fern.  Well, having separate interests is a healthy part of any marriage.  So you’ve got that going for you…which is nice.  In Part Two of this series, I’ll give you some ideas on how to Keep A Happy Wife and succeed at fantasy football at the same time.

For Part Two...click here.