You’re Such a Hottie, Schmoopie!

If you've ever surfed Al Gore's internet to MSN.com, then you've seen some of the pop culture articles they have on their home page. Things like "One Man's Addiction to Maple Syrup", "Senior Citizens Rank Their Favorite Condiments" or "Craisins: Friend or Foe?". One such recent article was announcing "America's Hottest Husband for 2011". Redbook magazine has an annual contest where wives submit a photo and an essay on why their hubby should be proclaimed as "America's Hottest". I decided to give it a read to see just how far away I am from my "hotness" being a tool to Keep a Happy Wife.

The Redbook contest presented 25 finalists and one "hottest husband". What I found was that they were all very fit (strike one), good looking (strike two) and all but two were younger than me (I never got the bat off my shoulder). Upon further scrutiny, however, the credentials of many of the finalists were somewhat flawed (This section of the blog post could also be referred to as "Bitter and Jealous" or "All Good Looking Men Are Gay").

First, 16 of these finalists had been married less than five years. Five years? Really? You've barely had a chance to put some quality time into a pot belly or allow your hair line to retreat like the French army. At five years you are definitely married, but you haven't really figured out how to "husband" yet. Get a few more years under your belt (or a few more pounds over it) and then you'll be more qualified as an experienced "husband".  And then let's see how "hot" your wife thinks you are. One such finalist had been married only three months. Seriously?  Here's how that conversation goes:
Wife: "How long have we been married, schmoopie?"
Husband: "I don't know schmoopie, but it's time to change the oil in the Mini-Cooper".
Wife: "You are such a hot husband, schmoopie".

Second, some of these guys seem to spend way too much time on their hair. Way too much. They look like they stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch ad or an episode of 90210. Don't they know that the guy with the coolest hair was Fonzie and he never combed his hair (he wasn't a husband either, but that's beside the point).

Partly because of the hair and partly because of their "boy band wardrobe" some of them appear to be – shall we say – big fans of Liberace. Not to make snap judgments based on appearance (ok, maybe I am) but is a man considered "hot" if he is "pretty"? I will never be confused with being "ruggedly handsome" or "camera friendly" but I'm no "pretty boy", either.

I will give credit where credit is due, however. From their bios, most of the finalists seem like good guys that love their wives. Of course, they wouldn't even be nominated if the focus of the essay was on ear hair, snoring or stinking up the bathroom. There was one finalist who had been married 19 years, had 9 kids and was in the Army. How did he not win? I guess he doesn't look enough like Derek Zoolander.

To give equal time, I Googled "hottest wife in America". To have opened some of the sites returned by that keyword search would have either required a credit card number or polluted my computer with countless viruses. Many of the sites focused on WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) of professional athletes. We get it. Tom Brady is married to Giselle. He also puts too much effort into his hair.

One site that I did find that seemed safe (and funny) related to the Hottest Presidential Wives and Mistresses. Surprisingly, the wives of Taft, Coolidge and John Adams all made the list. Not surprisingly, the top five on the list were all associated with JFK. Despite his many (alleged) dalliances, Bill Clinton only had one of his women on the list (not Hillary, but Gennifer Flowers).

Wives out there, if you choose to nominate your husbands for "Hottest Husband in America", here is the link for the 2012 contest. Perhaps if the Wife submits this photo with a nomination, I'll have a chance.