How to Write Haiku (Bad Poets Society) THIS is a Haiku

Do chicks really dig poetry? That is the question.

Since man could grunt or draw on cave walls, he has written poems for the cave woman of his dreams (hello, Barbara Bach). Every straight man that ever wrote a poem did so to either woo (do the kids still say "woo" these days?) or impress a girl. Even Joyce Kilmer when he wrote "I think that I shall never see, A poem lovely as a tree" at least part of his motivation was that a woman would think he was clever. Or profound. Or smart. Or (by some stretch of the imagination) sexy.

I know what you are thinking and, no, Joyce Kilmer is not a girl. Joyce is a dude. I looked it up to make sure.

I know what else you are thinking. This is a famous poem and all he is doing is rhyming "see" and "tree"? Even with a name like "Joyce" and such lame rhyming skills, Kilmer still had a successful marriage.

While Joyce was sliding by on a lame vocabulary and no thesaurus on his bookshelf, another poet we can learn from was simply trying too hard…Barney Fife. Whether he was rocking the salt and pepper suit (which was just right for dipping), hunting down Earnest T. Bass or writing a poem, Barney, like the rest of us dudes, was just trying to impress a girl. Most of the time his girlfriend was Thelma Lou, however, when they were on the outs (now I know the kids still say "on the outs") he would turn his attention to Juanita (down at the diner). This was the first stanza to a poem he wrote to her:

Juanita, Juanita,
Lovely, dear Juanita,
From your head down to your feet,
There's nothing half so sweet,
As Juanita, Juanita, Juanit.

 This poem is very bad on a number of levels, but you have to give him credit: he figured out how to rhyme something with Juanita (which reminds me of "Mulva" for you Seinfeld fans out there). And rhyming something with Juanita (or some form, thereof) is a heck of lot harder than trying to find a word to rhyme with "see"! Even this bad poem earned him a date with the focus of his affection, Juanita (down at the diner).

So, the answer to our initial question has to be: Yes, chicks must really dig poetry. And I'm going to help you learn how to be poet laureate to your lady (I think "laureate" is French for "love muffin").

If you are not already a classically trained poet, trying to learn complex poetic styles like sonnets, iambic pentameter or holistic odometer at this point may be impossible. Guys, show of hands: how many of you have ever written or read a poem to your wife? And, no, reciting a verse you read while in a men's room stall does not count. Even though you may be a rookie in this regard, I can provide you with three poetic options to astonish the love of your life (and, of course, Keep a Happy Wife).

First, let's consider the limerick. It is a very simple form of poetry so that is a plus for the amateur. However, I think it is an Irish law that a limerick must be dirty. So, if your wife is the type that bought "The Hangover" on Blu-Ray and, as a teenager, had a poster of Andrew "Dice" Clay on her wall, then the limerick may be for you. If you are unfamiliar with how to write a limerick, go back to that bathroom stall mentioned above.

Moving on now to beatnik poetry. We have lots of great examples of this. Most every 1960s sitcom had beatnik poetry featured in at least one episode. Herman Munster and Jethro Bodine (just to name a few) both went through a phase of being a beatnik poet. This form of poetry was re-popularized by Mike Myers in the very under-rated movie, "So I Married an Axe Murderer". One big plus to this poetic style is that it is typically free form. So you don't have to conform to the Rules of the Man, man. The minuses outweigh the positive in that you have to wear black turtle necks all the time, learn to play the bongos and bathe less often. While your wife may be able to get past the turtlenecks and the bongo playing, the B.O. will not help you impress her at all.

Finally, let's look at the Haiku. This is the perfect poetic style for the inexperienced poet in all of us. It combines the best of the limerick and beatnik poetry. It has the structure of the limerick (so you know how many words to use and when you are done) but it doesn't have to be R-rated. Like beatnik poetry, the Haiku doesn't have to rhyme, but you still get to use soap. In short, the Haiku is perfect: 5 syllables, followed by 7 syllables, followed by 5 syllables. Good work, kid.  Hit the showers.

Now, let's write a haiku together. The Wife's birthday is this Sunday, so we can write a birthday haiku to her right here. First we start with five syllables.

This haiku's for you.

Now we go with seven syllables:

It's cheaper than a Hallmark

Now back to five syllables:

Happy birthday, dear

Feel free to use that one to impress your own girl, fellas. You're welcome.

Editor's note: Joyce Kilmer was a man of great faith and died serving his country during World War I.  Hopefully, the heirs to the Kilmer estate have a sense of humor.